Facing East Again

(I am still fairly annoyed that, for some reason or other, I am unable to upload posts from work to my bloggity blog place… I blame it on some special hidden bit of WordPress that I am not aware of. No matter what it is, I cannot update directly from my work computer to my blog and so I find that sometimes I forget to update the blog… oops, my bad)
Okay… so I have done something for myself, part of self-care, that I have been struggling with on my own for a long time.
I signed up for an e-course! Specifically, the Making Space for your Goddess to Shine ecourse.
When I did this I got a lot of “feedback” from people in…

I am a cusp person.

Astrologically I am considered an Aries/Taurus cusp, being that my birthday is on the day when it switches over from Aries to Taurus. I have been told that I am definitivly an Aries, based on the time and date of my birth… but I still tend to have quite a few Taurean traits as well.

Personality wise, I cusp between introvert and extrovert. No matter how many times I take the MBTI test I cannot get a consistent reading of introversion/extroversion. And for that matter, I can’t make up my OWN mind, which causes me a lot of weird feelings when I’m with groups of people.

You see… I LIKE being involved. I thrive on it. I like being…

Now, I am well aware that I am aware that I need to make changes in my life. I am also aware that I have been both avoiding doing the things that I KNOW that I should do to make changes, and worrying about the impact of changing my routine…

If you know me personally you know that I have been going back and forth, mentally pacing about WANTING to change and having the ideas of how I can start to change, and then FREAKING OUT because in order to make the changes I would have to commit to DOING something…

So I go from the THOUGHT (east) of what I want to change, I build in the DESIRE (south) to change things in…

I haven’t been writing lately…
 
I know this, you (the imaginary people who exist out there in the interwebs) this… my friends know this…
 
And yet there are times I feel helpless to change this situation.
 
Right now every time I sit down to write I end up ranting over the boring crap in my life:

• theEx and the legal, financial, and parental changes he wants to impose on my life on a continuous basis
• feeling distressingly STUCK in my life and not knowing what I want to change, much less HOW to change it…
• feeling LONELY, and not knowing how to change THAT without the drastic measure of starting to date again (because, really, there is nothing WRONG…

If you knew me in “real life” you might find it weird that I keep a blog… or not…
 
I have a strained relationship with words and writing. Its almost as my ability for hands-on creativity has a restraining order against me, I must stay at least 100 cm away from anything remotely creative and only admire from a distance.
 
Yet I have a blog, and I occasionally write here. I have also kept an online “diary” relatively successfully for about 10 years on Open Diary. Not as a daily practice, but at least a few posts a month… So there is proof that I *CAN* write…
 
Just not the way I want to… not the places…