I was given this idea by a friend, that when I was at work I should try to write a bit on my breaks. The way my job works out, I tend not to have formalized breaks in my day – I take the kids to the babysitter by 7:30am, then I have a 45 min drive from the town I live in to the town I work in…all the way through rural Saskatchewan. I arrive at work around 8:00-8:15, but usually before 8:30am… and usually work at the computer from 8:30am until 5:00 pm when I make my 45 min drive through rural Saskatchewan to pick up my kids at the babysitter’s home. While I am at work I don’t have “breaks” – I tend to have my coffee and lunch at my desks while slogging through my administrative duties (yay administration), answering the phones, filing, organizing, arranging and managing information.
And I think that this pace, although not nearly so frenetic as some, is starting to burn me out. I mean, hell, I work a 9 hour day at work, and get home, have supper with my family (right now, thank the gods, my parents usually cook, I am only responsible for 1 or 2 meals a week), I wash the dishes, then I help my son practice his writing and reading, and the kids and I spend some time outside learning about nature for about 30 mins. They have a bath, a snack, brush their teeth, get stories read to them, each have 5 songs and a soothing ritual, and then are in bed for the night by 8:30pm at the latest.
What that leaves me is 8:30pm-11:30 pm to have time “to myself”. Often that time to myself is non-private time – my “room” is on the couch of my mother’s living room, which means that most of the time, if not all of the time, after the children have gone to bed my mother is with me on her computer, watching tv, watching a movie, or talking on the phone – making having time to write in a diary, draw, create, talk to friends on the phone, or sleep difficult until after she goes to bed around 10:30pm. But more than that, that time is usually when I have the lowest amount of energy, and that means it is less likely that I will be writing entries or diary posts or blogging rather than actively socializing with others. I might be chatting, I will respond to personal emails, I will read over news and other things that come my way, and I will zone out… most often by playing World of Warcraft.
Yes, I am a 34 year old female, and I play WoW. Not as much as I used to, by any means, but in some ways it does relieve the tension and feelings of helplessness that come from going through a divorce My most common character is armored like a tank and armed to the teeth… and there isn’t anything I would be afraid of facing in the game. Hell… its ONLY A GAME!! I know that very well… its not even a fantasy land I live in (like the Podcast “the Guild” which is HILARIOUS)… it is something to zone out and do in the evenings. . Heck, I am a level 41 Blood Elf Paladin – I tank enemies and I most often take them down.
I’m not that way in my real life.
In my real life I am less likely to take challenges head on that way. Dealing with lawyers and the legal process is terrifying for me, its not like you can know ahead of time that you have a certain percentage chance of hitting a critical point, of winning “loot”… although you DO often get a great deal of experience. In real life I find my lawyer TERRIFYING, for all that he’s a very nice person and very willing (at my expense) to explain the process and steps to me. And he does offer good advice (or I’d have backed down a LONG time before this point, thinking that there was no way to get the ex to pay child support or to retrieve remaining items from the home)… but that doesn’t mean its not a terrifying process. The financial bite to this process, in and of itself, is difficult to comprehend and has the very real potential of putting me back in the debt I had almost escaped after leaving the ex.
The point, though I’ve gotten off topic a bit, is just this: by the time I get home and get time to breathe for a while, I don’t feel like writing things down, and that has resulted in a deficit situation in my diary, journals, and blogs. The truth is that right now I am both in a very good place and feeling very lonely and seeking support. Because I am living very far away from a large part of my support network – friends who happen to be geographically scattered – I don’t have a lot of opportunity outside of online chat, email or blogging to socialize most days. I am starting to reach out to other people more… I’m starting to try to make more friends in the Pagan community, through blogs, Paganspace.net, and podcasts. I am considering trying to get together with the local community sometime in the future, barring anyone from the old community objecting… and starting once again to rebuild my network…
You know, in some ways I am profoundly happy with the way my life is now. I have the freedom to talk to people, if I want, without being grilled about what I say and where I go and what we discuss, or having my friends or family torn down. I have the freedom to write again, to create… but still lacking space and energy to do so. I am free to restart walking my Pagan Path… but feeling very unsure what to do to start things up again. I want to spend time with my kids, to teach them about spirituality and open their eyes up to their own potentials, but find myself having very little time to do so in a given week. I find myself happy with my progress – with my children, my job, my movement forward spiritually, financially, emotionally, socially…
That doesn’t mean it isn’t HARD and draining and a fight to get through things some days… it just means that, for all the guilt and fear and hurt I am feeling, I know that I ultimately made the correct decision for myself, and that in time it will be a good situation for my children as well…
Tags: divorce, friendship, journaling, spirituality, work, writing
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