One issue I have with keeping up with a blog is that there are just things that I can’t write here. So… in order to get things out that I can’t write in a public forum (never mind that no one knows its here) I write on other journal/blog sites.
For things that are related to personal things that I don’t really want everyone reading, I have the Open Diary. I find that I have kinda lost touch with the friend-base that made that place worthy of writing on, with the exception of 2 favourites whom I have met in person, so if I write there its only because I want to say something, usually relating to my separation and divorce, that I don’t want to be out where just anyone can come across it.
Then… I have different places I write because I don’t want to BORE anyone here. I have a Blogger site that I used to use to post pictures of various needlework related projects — mostly cross stitch — to keep them out of Open Diary. I felt that they were too boring, which was weird given that at the time I was writing them I was a married, cloistered, stay-at-home mother with very little of interest OTHER than needlework to share with the world. No, I thought it was too prosaic and dull and made me seem too dull and uninteresting for anyone to read.
Yet another Blogger was used to write little things that I thought were too silly too share on the Open Diary.
I kept a page on Xanga to write about the small disappointments that I had found in my life, particularly my marriage and my dissatisfaction with being a SAHM with no other adults to talk to. Things I didn’t want my friends to know, failures of my life that I wanted to hide, but needed to get out.
I have a LiveJournal now for the specific purpose of discussing my newly found interest in knitting.
Which leaves THIS space. Which is undefined.
I find that it makes my unhappy to have an undefined space. I am not sure that I am, at this point, a complete person. I am still feeling very much like I need to hide certain portions of who I am from different sets of people — do the people who know I like to knit need to know I am also a Pagan?; do the Pagan people care that I am going through a divorce?; Do the people who search for single mothers want to read about my obsession with Moleskine notebooks or my reviews about Pens?; Do the Podcast people want to hear a podcast about things that are undefined?
Because I am undefined. There isn’t ONE thing that is “Pam” or one that is “Moon’sLark”. I love pens, a lot. I read blogs about pens and write pen reviews. I collect blank books with an almost single minded obsession, and I think about journalling but I am terrified to actually do it because I am afraid I will fail to live up to my own expectations. I am loving to knit socks, but I am afraid I’m not good enough at doing it to fit in with the other knitters out there. I love to do cross stitch, but there is a fear about picking it up again and trying to figure out where I left off. I listen to blogs compulsively, and have posted on podcast… but the problem is that although a huge draw about the podcasting was for spiritual seeking, I am not ONLY a Pagan either, so I am sure that I won’t stay on topic for a purely PAGAN podcast.
I want to create, but I’m frozen in fear at starting…
Tags: blogs, books, creating, creativity, cross stitch, divorce, failures, journaling, knitting, Paganism, pens, podcasts, Seeker, spiritual practice, writing
I don’t think you should discount that there is value in the sum of your parts… and that it is infrequent that in a blog ‘every post will appeal to ever reader’ –but that they will respect all of your posts nonetheless.