Frozen Nowhere

So, I missed a day, so sue me. I know, it’s not like I can claim that anything is really going ON around here, because, my life really is very boring lately. But there are days I can’t bring myself to write… 

But I will anyway… 

Right now there is very little in my life that is word inspiring, sorry. I look around and I see a lot of people having “grand adventures” and… well… I just don’t have that in me right now. I just don’t. I hear from everyone “just worry about surviving right now”… but… well… no one wants to hear about the “just surviving” things, they like to hear about the things that build  character. Staying home, making suppers, cleaning the house, these are not the things of adventures.

I have lost so many friends in the past few years because of my essential dullness that I find that I am now more and more unwilling to even reach out to people, lest they realize that I am dull. The person I had considered my best and oldest friend gave up our friendship this past year, refusing to return my emails (I didn’t have a phone number for her in the country she was living) and just disappearing off the radar. And that stung, a lot. Was it because for the last 7 years she has been living in different countries all over the world, learning new things, meeting new people, growing and reaching out and having grand adventures, and I have been here, doing all the stereotypical woman things — getting married, having children, raising children, and dealing with the work/life balance that being a working mother creates? Was it because I failed in my marriage and she blames me for that? Was it that she was told I was “sleeping around” and she believed him? Was it my fear of actually reaching out to her during the failures and letting her KNOW what was going on, that my life was crumbling around my feet and I needed a friend? Would she have cared, out there in Bahrain or the Bahamas? 

I don’t know. 

Maybe it was just that we have nothing in common anymore. I can’t travel outside of the country, she rarely returns to Canada. I have failed at marriage, she echews the idea of settling down with one man or the idea of having her own children. I have lost my dreams, she seems to have achieved hers. I have started over, she has bloomed. I seek to be more than I am, she is more than I will ever be. She loves literature and art, I enjoy reading “lesser” material like magazines, blogs, and sci-fi/fantasy novels and wouldn’t know art from the crayon scribbles that adorn my fridge. She loves to party with her friends, going out, dressing up and drinking… my wildest nights seem to be killing things on World of Warcraft, alone, with a cup of coffee — I can’t remember the last time I had an occasion to dress up or go out and do something “fancy” like that ( I think it was the company Christmas Party), and even then I rarely have more than a glass of wine. 

I want to be happy with who I am… and most of the time I am. But… there are times when I look at my life and its passing me by and I’m wondering, “how did it get to this? I had hopes and dreams and plans…” I know there is still TIME… my life isn’t over yet… but sometimes the feeling of the sand slipping away is almost tangible on my fingers, you know?

This seems to be exacerbated by the fact that I am at odds with my writing, which was a BIG part of who I was and how I saw myself for most of my formative years. I don’t know what to do with this space, and it bothers me that its so random (although maybe I can create a cohesion in that?) Am I ONLY a single mother? Can I even count as a single mother if I have my kids only half the time? Am I only a Pagan? Am I only a pen geek?  Will I ever be more than an Office Admin? Can I get back to school for my Masters? Can I start to write and draw and create again? Will I ever be able to travel?

These are the things that make me wonder.

There are things I do like about my life. I like having my own space. I like being Pagan. I like having my kids in my life, being able to experience the wonder that comes from them. I like my job (although it isn’t what I want to do with my life forever). I like being able to buy pens and books. 

I just have to accept that I am not going to have a grand adventure any time soon…

Tags: boredom, boring, creative, dreams, friends, friendship, goals, kids, life, motherhood, parenting