Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

a slice of life

October29

Life lessons of the moment

 

So… I intended to get to the podcast last night, only to find that the internet in my suite wasn’t working. It would bounce up and down, disconnecting me over and over. The biggest issue is that the main router for the residence was located upstairs, in the suite above me (yes, it is part of our rental agreement that the internet is part of rent, so no issues there) – and unfortunately for me the residents upstairs are not sure how to deal with the router.

 

So… that necessitated my landlords coming over and moving the main router to the common area (the laundry room) so that if something of this nature occurred again I would be able to take care of it (having gone through the trouble to become a tech support agent at one time in my life, I guess that makes me qualified to do this).

 

I really DO want to get another episode up. I have been encouraged to hear from a few people out there who have actually heard the first 2 episodes!! I do not know how to tell if there are people subscribing (although, at this point, what point would there be since I have been so spotty at getting it out?)… if anyone is reading this (again, google analytics is no longer working, so I don’t know if anyone comes here either) and knows, can you let me know how I’d tell???

 

I still have many plans for the weeks ahead.

 

I’m just not gonna PROMISE anything until I know if I can do things!

 

Okay… so the stresses for this week:

 

  1. my car is still in the shop. I took it in at 7:30am last Monday, and it continues to be in the shop, and will be until at least next Monday. Meanwhile I am left driving and Austin Mini Cooper… which is good and bad (laugh). It’s a cute car, good on gas, and easy to park. But its hard to get used to driving automatic when you drive standard normally, and its harder to get the kids in and out of.
  2. blow up with the former friend. In some ways this is good. In others it’s just causing me to build up tension in my neck.
  3. people down from corporate to watch over what we do and how we do it.
  4. planning a birthday party for my son, and feeling worried that no one from his class will want to attend.
  5. STBX has not given me the child support or daycare expenses for October yet, and with all his whining I don’t know if he will
  6. lawyer wants to meet with STBX and his lawyer to discuss what STBX thinks is ultimately fair in the division of property situation. I feel that this is just a way to push me around, to make me take on debts that I have already “given” him consideration for, and to make it seem like he is being “reasonable” and I’m being a bitch
  7. the house we own hasn’t sold, and that is making things drag on longer and longer. It also means there is less likihood of me getting out of this mess with ANYTHING…

 

Good things coming up:

  • BoyChild turns 8!
  • GirlChild gets her first school pictures done
  • Started dating, and hoping to talk to at least one of the interesting men again (?)
  • Halloween
  • Podcast Episode #3
  • Finally booking a massage appointment (when I find an RMT)
  • BoyChild has a birthday party…
  • Trying out the Yoga/Tai Chi/Pilates class at the gym next week
  • Will have time on Sunday to go to the gym after STBX picks up the kids
  • Reviewing possibility to take a class in some form of martial art (if it isn’t too late in the year)
  • Clean the house!!!

 

So there are a lot of things coming up. Big thing is that I am kicking ass at work lately, which means even though I still have an overwhelming amount for one person to do, I am getting a lot of it done and off my plate so that things are cleared up and cleared off my desk. I am planning on using the fact that my health benefits package covers massage therapy up to $500 without a prescription (reimbursed at either 80% or 100%, I can’t remember) to start taking better care of myself.

 

I have been treating myself to things that take care of me lately – I had my hair done for the first time in a year and bought the good salon styling products for my hair type (naturally curly). I plan on getting a few pairs of jeans (since I wear jeans every day at work) and a few sweaters. I have been taking time to knit things for my family and friends, which further reduces my stress… and I have begun to try and let go of the expectations that this will be an easy process and just enjoy what I can.

posted under My Life | 2 Comments »

Glad to get that off my chest

October21
 If you read the last blog entry, you’ll see that I have put a lot of pressure on myself to be something that I wasn’t ready to be. Quite frankly, that pressure had further reaching consequences other than relationships. The fact that this was pressing on my consciousness, that I wasn’t feeling comfortable confronting the situation, that I was spending so much time NOT talking about the “purple elephant in the room” (to borrow a turn of phrase from Serin, from his seemingly DEAD podcast “Sentinal World” — and yes, that is a not-so-subtle reminder that you haven’t posted anything since July!!) that I had bound myself to not say ANYTHING at all about ANYTHING.
 
So…  here I am… back again, and once more willing to write and be HONEST with myself and with whomever would like to read this. And part of that had to do with confronting the facts of the situation and why  I had been so afraid to take a serious look at what it was, what it had become, and what it was making me into.  Because I didn’t want to hurt another person. And ultimately I have learned a few things out of the situation (in no particular order):
 
  •  
    • Sometimes it is okay to put myself first in a situation. I stayed in a relationship that wasn’t working for what I wanted in my life, because I
      • felt I owed the other for helping me and being my friend
      • didn’t want to hurt the other person
      • didn’t want to lose the friendship even though I wanted to lose the “relationship” part of it (and really NEEDED to spend some time separating myself and readying for who I want to be)
      • didn’t know how to put myself first
    • It is not a failure to quit something that, after concerted effort, is just not working for you. It is actually more of a failure to give up and accept things rather than cut your losses and be willing to start over again with something that might be right. Never be afraid to say, “this isn’t working” and find a way to make it work, or start again with something that WILL work
    • I am not afraid of being alone. I am more afraid of being pressed into being something that I don’t want because of the impression that I’m not willing to try to move on with my life. Hey, I don’t NEED a man to move on with my life. I am sure that I will move on that way eventually, but its not critcal to my happiness.
    • Sometimes there is not a “win/win” situation. Sometimes I cannot afford to give what another person says or thinks THEY need because it is diametrically opposed to what I need in the situation. I need to take care of myself, not the other, to ensure that I am healthy enough to take care of my children and the other responsibilities in my life.

 

In the end of the “break up” phase of the relationship I was, indeed, feeling like I was being made to choose between what I knew that I needed for my own psychological well being and what my friend needed to make him feel “okay” with the situation at hand. I needed time alone, without communicating with him via chat, not going out exclusively with him, and not sitting around discussing what we had been, what we could have been, what I meant to him, or what had caused the essential breakdown in the relationship — all things that he seemed to be desperately needing in order to feel like he had a handle on things. And in the end I did what I needed to do (and I am not going to feel guilty for doing so) and I cut back the talks and chats and texts and emails and visits, and I hermitted myself in my own mind and home and just dealt with the fallout in my OWN life. 

 
And it was good.
 
Because I learned a lot about myself. And I recovered. And I started to create a plan to move on with my life… even if I am not sure how to get to the steps I need to get to in order to implement the plan.
 
And the plan is this:
  • I really need to get out of the house more… both on weeks that I have the kids and weeks that I do not. In that vein I have been making attempts to find classes, groups, events, activities that will bring me closer to the social butterfly that I once was. But, either Saskatoon is a pit of nothingness (can’t find any support groups for divorcees, single parents, newly single people, etc that aren’t solely focused on “dating” and, more insidiously “hooking up” (by which I am taking them to mean the “no strings attached casual “adult” relations…. um… ick) and more just on getting to know other humans of BOTH genders in this city) or I am just not having a good time finding things.
    • previously I had been a member of a group called “knit and knatter”, for people who liked to knit… but there was some fall out with that group (and my friend G) and due to the strain in the relationship between G and B, G left the group, never to hear from the very people who she had previously been so close to up until this point — not even ONCE. I’m not really sure that the fall out had anything at all to do with me, really, but I do worry that my association with G will make me unwelcome at the group… and really, what is to say that they are good friends if they can just cut out someone that used to be a part of the group like that and basically say “good riddence” to a former friend?
    • I have joined a gym… but I haven’t found a time that works when I have the kids (and I had been sick for 2 weeks JUST after I joined). I am committing myself to emailing them again and trying to find another trainer who might be more willing to help me set up a training plan, then going at least 3 times (hopefully 4) next week. Once I get more used to going to the gym I think I will try to fit one time per week that I have the kids in as well.
    • I have been trying to find something that I can do that will get me out and with other adult type people — without the push to get involved in sleezy one-night stands with people who think that that is what “mature adults” do (um… that’s what horny men who don’t really want relationships do, not what mature adults do) — but I’m not sure what or where to find such things.
    • Yes, I am going to try the online dating thing. Why not? I mean, I am single, and no matter how much it will hurt my friend the purple elephant in the corner, I want to experience life as a single adult, which will mean dating. So why not? I would like to go out, have a little fun… But I’m not playing the “hookup” game…
  • The weeks I have the kids I will spend more time with them, and less time worrying about the rest of the world. I can try to do yoga or meditation in the evenings with dvds… be creative… and just spend my energy on being the best mother i can be (so the school stops calling me about how F’d up my kid is… as if I don’t know that he has attention issues and has been “scarred” by attending 4 schools in 4 years).
  • I will try to write more consistently. At least 2 times a week here… maybe on OD (until the subscription ends again and then I’ll consider what I want to do with it). I will start to do weekly status reports… because, as one of my favourite new blogs (The Fluent Self) states “Traditions are Important”. As I agree with that statement, I want to start creating new traditions, online and in real life.
  • I will try to get a podcast out once a month. So far I have failed at that… oh well… c’est la vie.
 
So that’s the plan of action for now…
 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

Need to write it out…

October16

This is where I put the disclaimer: If you will be hurt dealing with my HONEST to goodness TRUE feelings, see the disclaimer. If you know me in real life, and will feel that this should be fodder for a lengthy conversation, please either stop reading now and find something more interesting to do, or read at your own risk.

 
Thank you, you may proceed
posted under My Life | 2 Comments »

another “sorry”

October12

Well… I have been a bad blogger and a bad podcaster lately. I have intended to write, and intended to record the podcast… and yet I haven’t done it. 

And why not?

Well… there have been a number of issues:

  1.  the last time I went to record a podcast my landlords, who at that time lived in the suite above me, had decided to refinish the floors, which meant scraping and pounding on the floor above my living room and bedroom ALL night every night. 
  2. That lasted about a week, then I had the kids, which meant less time at night to do it (but I could have if I could have stayed awake long enough to do so)
  3. The next week I was just overwhelmed, I had gone to a training that changed my life, and I really needed time to process how that had changed me, and my life (more on this later)… and I had also managed to lose my voice for 3 days
  4. Got the kids back, and had to deal with a week of illness. First BoyChild woke up monday morning and threw up all over his bedroom floor. So we stayed home. Then MY stomach issues started (last wednesday (Oct 1)… culminating in me waking in INTENSE pain Saturday morning and laying on the couch watching movies with the kids all day. THEN GirlChild woke up on Sunday morning (3am) and threw up all over her room, the hallway and the bathroom. 
  5. Even though I should have been better by monday, I have had ongoing stomach issues that i can’t explain. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I woke up at 3am with INTENSE feelings of pain that felt like gas, cramps and bloating which kept me in the bathroom and guzzling boiled ginger tea. I even came home early on Friday because the exhaustion was getting to me… and had ANOTHER attack after that. I seriously do not know what is causing this issue… which has meant that I have cut back my diet to the BRAT diet — Banana, Rice, Apple, Tea/Toast. I have cut out coffee, I have cut out almost EVERYTHING and I hope that whatever is causing this can be pinpointed and controlled. I have a few theories:
    • there was a Listeria outbreak in Canada a few weeks ago, and before and during that time I ate some of the meat from that company, not being able to be sure what had come from what company (since all the companies seemed to have been merged and have different names it is and was very hard to know what meat came from where). So there is a chance, given that it has a 6 week incubation period, that it could be Listeria… which I hear is treatable
    • it could be a new food sensitivity — I have cut out caffiene, wheats, oils, milk, and most veggies and proteins —  which i am hoping is NOT going to be celiac disease. 
    • it could be a precursor to diabetes. I had gestational diabetes and diabetes runs in my family.
    • stress — I have changed my life in a lot of ways, but I have added a great deal of stress due to these changes. Also the divorce isn’t going forward, STBX is stressing me about his debts (which is a stress for BOTH of us, because even though these debts were supposed to be wiped out with a mortgage refinance last July, he’s now used ALL the debts that “we” paid off and has decided that that money was his and I still owe him) and there are threats that he will declare bankruptcy and stop giving me child support.  Work is stressful right now because I am far behind, I have been so sick that I haven’t been able to give it my all like i should for 2 weeks, and I don’t have a lot of support in the office. I feel bad that a cohort from another office will need to come in and help me get out from behind the 8-ball and I worry that my job is at risk due to these issues.
    • Ulcer — it could very well be that I have gotten an ulcer somehow, somewhere.
  6. Things that have been going on that I don’t really feel comfortable writing or talking about have made it difficult to communicate. Here I am with all these things to talk about, but I can’t really in case I say something that is “wrong” in regards to other people, and i get a lot more stress (via emails and texts) for speaking my mind on things.
So, yeah… I’ve been stressed and sick and felt bound to not talk about the very things I need to talk about. And I have wasted yet ANOTHER week, being sick and stressed and trying to get my life back together again, and I feel both rested and more anxious. I didn’t get my podcast done (and I’m getting my kids back tonight… which also ties my stomach in knots, I hate dealing with their father right now). I didn’t go into work this weekend when I wanted to (because I was so sick friday afternoon and evening that I wanted to recooperate) and now I’m behind and its getting worse. I didn’t socialize, I didn’t go to the gym (because I was SICK)… and I just feel like I failed this week
So my sources of stress:
  1. being sick
  2. “relationship” stress from a failed friendship/relationship — the fact that I didn’t feel what he did has made him continually lash out at me for not giving him what he needs, when giving him what he needs is against what I need to be healthy and to move on. This has come out with a lot of email and text and a few conversations where it has been very negative — his life sucks because I am not in it anymore kind of thing, which then ties my stomach in knots, and makes the stomach issues worse, and the stomach issues mean I am not around as much online or available to do things in real life, so he whines more that I am ignoring him or punishing him or otherwise denying him friendship, which further makes my stress and stomach issues worse. Ad nauseum.
  3. feeling pushed and threatened by STBX — if I don’t do what he wants (agree to absorb the further debts he has incurred after we were supposed to have paid it off with the refinance) or he will declare bankruptcy on me, thus FORCING me to take the entirety of the debts (because my name is still on them). He is willing to drag out the division of property, thus slowing down the divorce, as long as he can to get me to do what he needs — thus pushing MY legal bills up and forcing me into a bankruptcy situation myself. I am trying to trust my lawyer, but it just doesn’t seem FAIR that his plan is to absolve himself of debts AND have the ability to get a new house and move on, and I end up with his debts and behind the 8ball (and with my job I will NEVER be able to afford a down payment on a home around here.
But despite wanting to have a weekend off… it looks like I know I need to get work done, so I will be going into work DURING A HOLIDAY, before my kids come home… 
(sigh) 
posted under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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