Nov 20
This week, so far, has been a huge roller coaster of emotions, and for that I think I am glad. I am bringing resolution to some of the unresolved issues in my life.
The biggest resolution was the knowing that, once and for all, forever and ever, the past friendship I had had (the one in which I felt the need to just vanish into the ether of the world from) is gone. Is that the resolution I was hoping for? No. Quite frankly, I knew that it was more likely than not that he would be upset with me, and likely that he would not want me in his life… but I think a (very, VERY, small and pathetic) part of me, given our history together, hoped that he would understand the need and the reasoning, and we could open a dialog with each other.
Deep down I knew, though…
Years ago I had confided in my friend that things in my marriage were going south, and had been pretty much from the very beginning, and that I knew that someday, given STBX’s control issues, I would have to disappear again or leave my marriage. And a promise was made, that if I ever felt the need to disappear from his life, he would wait a period of time (he says 2 years, I thought 3) and then try to contact me again.
It’s been 4 years (almost exactly).
He never tried to contact me.
Which I knew, before I emailed him on Monday, meant that he wished for me to never contact him again.
So I can’t say that I’m altoghether SURPRISED that the friendship is over for good. It hurts, I won’t lie about that. But it is a resolution. It is a statement of finality for me. We are not friends. I will never hear from him again, because there is nothing more to say (and I should never have replied to his response… I should have sat on it and read it deeply, because in it was the deathknell of the friendship that was once a foundation for my creative side)…
And so all that was left to do was thank him for resolution.
And say goodbye.
It hurts.
But it is over. I will never hear from him again, because I am absolutely sure that he may have forgiven me for the past, but he will never stop hating me for some of the mistakes that happened. And for my part, I will never ever seek him out again.
Not in this lifetime, or in any other. The promise to seek out the other again needs to be broken, as much as I hate being an oathbreaker, sometimes it is required.
It is time to cut the bonds of a friendship of which I am still holding onto, no matter how hard it is, and know that there is no way to go back, no discourse, no hope that this connection from my past can be brought forward into the future, nothing more to say, nothing more to do but stop feeling about it. It is the season of death… and it is time that I accept that this died a long time ago.
And its good. Painful, but good.
You can’t grow without the pain of change… And death is inevitable. And the death of a friendship is harder than most, because the parties are (usually) still alive, just no longer connected…
And it is okay… I hurt, very deeply, but I am no longer running from the pain. I mourn, but I know in time the pain will lessen, and that I can no longer run from the pain of this wound. Four years of running from the hurt, hoping that it wasn’t real, living in denial and hope for reconnection and reconciliation is long enough. Maybe too long.
So it is good. Painful and poignant… but good… it really really is.
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