Even facing “death” can’t slow down my life too much, there is just too much going on, and although I mourn I move and grow and reclaim. At least the attempt at reconnection, rejection, acceptance, and reflection have done one thing for me — I have been able to reclaim one part of my past and reintegrate that shard of who “Pam” was into who “Pam” IS now…

As anyone who might be reading can tell, my writing has flourished in the past few days. It might be shocking to anyone who only knew me in the past 5 or so years to know, but this used to be a daily practice — NaNoWriMo would not have slowed me down too much just because for years and years I wrote an average of 5000 words a day between my website, journals, Open Diary, and emails. And I lost that feeling… it corresponded to the downfall of my marriage as well as the pressure I felt to get rid of that part of myself by getting rid of my friend. And there were months I didn’t write at all… nothing more than the notes of a bored housewife — lists of groceries, cheques, and reminders.

It’s a reclaimation for me. I have accepted the loss, I have accepted that it is my responsibility to become who I am. I no longer have the option to bounce my words off a trusted person, and that has forced me to seek that approval within myself. Its been a hard process to get through, and like all things I go through, I have now given myself permission to fail and get up again and dust myself off.

I have a feeling that I will need to rely on that promise to myself a lot. As an Aries I tend to jump first and think later — or I think and think about something, get someone ELSE involved and tend to walk away or get fired up for the NEXT project. But it also means that I hold myself to high standards, and that means that when I fail to live up to my high standards I tend to stop trying.

And that’s not good.

And because it is friday, I have decided that I will adopt a new “tradition” of reviewing my week for its goods and bads.

Good stuff:
-got an email address for my former friend. Gathered up my courage and emailed him an apology for the loss of his friendship (thankfully before I thought about it TOO much). 
-Recieved response email from the former friend. While it did not allow a renewal of our friendship or opportunity for openning a dialog between us again, it did offer forgiveness. And I was able to offer him forgiveness. 
- I finally mourned the friendship as a loss rather than something just on hold if I could reach out for it. Knowing is better than not knowing in my world. 
- Found my words again.
- went on dates
- knit up a storm on the scarf
- almost completed the socks, so they will be ready to mail out this week for my mother’s birthday
- went to the gym and really felt good about things for a while

Bad Stuff:
-being rejected by my former friend, even though I was completely expecting it and I know that I deserve it, that it has run its course and that it is a done deal.
- mourning
- feeling the confusion that comes from doing the dating thing
- dealing with K and his hurt, and not wanting to revisit my mistakes with the former friend by doing the same thing with K
- feeling pressed for time all the time
- not having a lot of time to clean my house, meaning that I have to do that all day Saturday because its one of those things that needs to be done
- waking up several nights worrying about death (oh the season of death)
- waking up several times with calf cramps
- trying to find a way to book hotel rooms, at this late of a date, for the company Christmas event that is Dec 4… and knowing that my manager’s promise to find rooms in Regina (since he lives there on weekends) didn’t happen and with a metric TON of work on my plate I can’t spend hours phoning around, especially since I do not even have a COUNT since the manager didn’t bother to hand out the Christmas event invitations to the guys this week! ARGH…
So that is that…

I have so much to deal with for this weekend… I’m sort of looking forward to somethings, and not to others.

I am not sure what my plans are for tonight. I seem to be double booked right now — I had been trying to meet up with someone for a few weeks and missed an email last night. I was hoping to meet up in the day on Saturday (thus avoiding having to do the cleaning thing) but he is booked that day… and so he asked about tonight. The only thing is that usually G and I go to a scrapbooking late night crop the friday nights I don’t have my kids.

What to do, what to do?

I am really kinda hoping that I get to see the one guy that I have started to become seriously interested in this weekend as well. He might not be able to get into the city, and I know that its not really possible for me to drive out there to meet with him because my car is not likely up for it until I fix my tires… and if I stayed late I would have to drive 45 mins back into the city in the dark on the highways. It is unlikely I will know until sometime Saturday (although I am hopeful).

I have to do some of my podcast… I will do that Saturday after I get back from the gym. I will clean my house, knit and do the podcast… and I will start making the christmas cookies. I also think that I should get my groceries and make a meal plan up. If I decide what kind of cookies we can make then I have something that the kids and I can do in the evenings after supper that is sneaky in incorporating math into their daily lives (laugh)…

And although I feel bad at having finally lost my friend for good… I know that in some ways it is HIS loss as well, because I am a great person again and he’ll lose out on that as much as I will be losing out on his friendship.

Its ALL good…