Frozen Nowhere

Okay… so I think I have had enough sulking on the topic of past friendships… I know, I know… right now, being the season of “death” and “Limbo” this is a very timely issue to deal with. But, seriously, it still hurts and the more I take out the fresh hurt and jab around at it, the less it can heal.

I am okay, I really am. I knew it was coming, which is why I waited so long to try and get in touch with my friend. I knew when he never tried to contact me in a safe way (usually through my mother who hated STBX and everything about him and wanted me AWAY from him a long time ago, who, also was fond of the former friend because he was a good friend to me) before I reached out to him, I already knew that he was no longer considering me a friend. I just needed to hear it from his words.

As another friend points out, this isn’t necessarily final, people have a habit of reaching out at other points in our lives. And that is all fine and well… because I will come to that river when it is time to cross it (although I have a nasty habit of openning myself up to any old friend, for good or naught, because I love the idea of reconnecting to see how they and I have changed). But for now… We are no longer friends and I have promised myself that it ends now, that I will not be the one to try to contact him ever again. I will no longer hide (not that I’ve ever done a spectacular job of that), but I’ve already had my hand slapped and for now I don’t want to reach out.

But I have more than disconnections going on in my life right now. I have a variety of things that have to be considered and pondered and dealt with this week, even though it is mid-week and I don’t have much time left… :

1. My mother’s birthday is at the end of the week (saturday), unfortunately, I was supposed to have an eye appointment to get myself tested to see if I am a good candidate for laser eye surgery that day… AND now GirlChild is scheduled to dance with her Irish Dance group at the Festival of Trees. So its unlikely that I will get out to my mother’s this weekend with the kids, and so I have to mail stuff out tonight so that she gets it on her birthday.

2. Have to contact STBX, as I have noticed that there is a note in the shared calendar stating that his company’s children’s Christmas party is on the 30th (Sunday) and does he intend to pick them up for that, at what time, and is his plan to just pick them up EARLY that day or is he considering bringing them back for the hour of GirlChild’s dance class and THEN picking them up? Who knows.

3. I have been putting off buying my parents a computer. I know that it is what I have agreed (and it was my idea)… but I keep forgetting to do it. I should do that on my coffee break (laugh) or lunch hour (hysterical laughing inserted here). I have a company plan with Dell, and so that is what I will get them, even though I prefer Macintosh myself.

4. Laundry. Cleaning. Fixing. Repairs. I feel like the mess is getting out of control. I hate the fact that every time STBX brings the kids back there is another BAG of stuff with them — because he doesn’t have clothes for her at his house, GirlChild is required to drag her entire wardrobe back and forth. And then there is the weekend class stuff — BoyChild’s tae kwon do gi, GirlChild’s Irish Dance outfit and shoes — and the toys (another bag) and GirlChild’s pants (which need a bag all their own)… its getting a bit much. I need to go through their clothes and get rid of things that are no good. I have to sweep and wash the floors. I have to do laundry (which requires detergent, so i need to get that).

5. I need to go through things and get reorganized… I hate that I have no ability to organize in my room right now, I hate having clothes all over my floor, I need to find a dresser.

I know there are likely more things I should be doing, but I just don’t have the mental energy to deal with things right this minute. Why is it that most of the time when I feel the need, energy and words to write, I’m at work? This is probably the #1 reason that I have never been able to do NaNo…

Anyway…

Last night was a bit of a downer night. I can’t help feeling like a complete failure when my son’s school counselor/social worker decides to call me AT HOME, IN THE EVENING. Seriously? She called to ask if I needed “help and support” because my son has been acting out due to the divorce. I had told his teacher that I recognized that BoyChild could possibly have issues related to the separation and potential divorce of myself and his father. BUT I object to the SCHOOL and people I have NEVER met deciding that it is 100% ME that needs help.

I understand, most of the time it is the mother who retains primary custody of the children, and usually it is the father who runs off on the mother, leaving her in a bad situation. But, that is not necessarily the case in this situation. And while I do not have the network of support that STBX has, I am doing great without him — why didn’t anyone offer support to me and the kids when we DID need it? When we were living with a self-centered man who’s sole focus was working and earning money for more toys and food and THINGS to increase his status, instead of being the support base for his WIFE AND KIDS??? Where were people THEN, when I could have used someone to help me shovel the walks with a toddler clinging to my leg and a baby in a sling on my hip? Where was the concern when I was exhausted and emotionally drained from being constantly treated like an unfaithful, lying bitch all the time, afraid to go out with a friend, talk on the phone, or buy anything lest I be accused of cheating on my fucking marraige?

No… they decide that, as the mother, I am the one having issues. What they don’t see is that I am better off without him. I did the single parenting while I was married, he was very rarely there and very lightly involved until I threatened to leave him. I am USED to being alone with the kids, I am used to getting groceries, making meals, doing the housework, and dealing with the issues that come up… and I’m used to doing it with little or no support — BECAUSE MY HUSBAND NEVER HELPED ME OR SUPPORTED ME when I was with him.

And what is more, why ME? I am a good mother!! So, I don’t have all the answers! So I had to leave my husband! But I have worked my ass off to make sure that I have a good secure home for my children. I have made sure that they are well fed, clothed, sheltered. I have made sure they get their homework done. I make sure that they are bathed and their clothes are cleaned. I read to them every night. I take them to the doctor and the dentist. I buy them toys. I educate them. I make sure they are taken care of when I have to work. I make sure they know they are loved at all times… I make sure that I put them first in my life, that they are happy, secure and feel good about their lives.

Yes, my son is struggling, and NO, I don’t know why. But I am working with the teachers. I am working with him. I am working with my doctor, and I will find a strategy that will work, because I know he is not a stupid child and he has a lot of potential.

So, yeah, I resent the school feeling that I am not doing “well” as a parent without support. While I appreciate the thought, it does rankle becuase it is yet another nick that can be used to build a case against me if they ever want to remove the kids from my life. I can see how this kind of “support” builds a case for the more well off parent, and I am having none of it.

And the worst part of it? I went from feeling pretty good about myself to feeling like the absolute WORST failure in less than 10 minutes! One call from the school questioning my ability to parent can undo so much work to BE a good parent…

I’m feeling much better about myself now. I’m doing the best I can… my children KNOW that I love them and put them first and that they are important in my life. I prepare good meals and clean and take care of them… and if that isn’t enough then they can ASK the kids, because they have both stated they’d rather live with me full time and see their father on the weekends (sometimes, because they ENJOY being with ME on weekends too) than live with him full time.

And if they think I will not fight to keep my children in my life, they are MISTAKEN…