Serin pointed out to me that in the past few weeks I could have managed to finish NaNoWriMo if I had put my effort to a story rather than blog entries. I am sure he’s right.

If you look at the sheer amount I have written and posted on both Open Diary and FrozenNowhere you will see this:

• I wrote almost every weekday.
• I posted at least 1 entry per day, usually more, sometimes posting on both in the same day
• each entry is over 1000 words, on average I think they have  been around 1800-2000 words
• so in 2 weeks, an average of 2 posts a day, 5 days a week, with about 2000 per entry and I likely have written 40,000 words…
• If I only had an idea, I could likely get 50,000 words done in less than a month
• each entry takes me about 10 minutes to write when I get time to write it, between other tasks at work…

1.  Wanting to find a way to avoid killing my neighbors (who were blissfully silent (but likely not even HOME) last night, thank the gods)
2. Feeling “stalked” by somoene on a dating site. I wrote about this date on my Open Diary, but lets just say the date itself was okay, but I decided after a few minutes alone with this man that I did not think that I wanted to spend MORE time alone with him. I have subsequently blocked him on both sites that I have used.
3.  Not wanting to deal with K at all lately. I have wanted space and time away from him, and yet the more I want to get away from him the more he seems to get desperate and grabby for more time. The biggest problem is that I do not feel like I want to spend more time with him, I seriously do not. I do not want him to email, phone or come over. I do not want him to stay over at all. I do not really care to hear about what failed or what he wanted in regards to our relationship. Seriously? I want it OVER and I want it done and I want the freedom to breathe without feeling guilty about what he did for me (of his OWN accord and free will). And I resent that he looks for reasons and excuses and things to give me to get time with me… I need space and he’s not giving it to me at all.
   •  I get emails from him.  The kind of things that I would write in my JOURNAL or Open Diary about, he sends TO me. I am extremely uncomfortable with this, and have said so, but that doesn’t seem to even stem the tide of emails coming in.
   •  he texts and phones me. If I don’t answer he seems to get frantic. I hate this, because I don’t like the smell of complete and utter desperation that I get from him.
   • I feel guilty every time I am around him. Its like an immediate dampering of my feelings. I can’t change him, its just the way he is. He can “try” all he wants, but he is wearing his hang-dog, kicked puppy feelings all over himself and I don’t believe that it is HEALTHY for me to keep trying to be his friend given that I end up feeling horrid about myself at every turn.
4. Excited about a new prospect on the dating front. I don’t want to write about it too much, in case that jinxes things.
5. Christmas is coming up, and I need to really deal with what the kids want as well as what I want.
   • I don’t like doing the “what I want” thing, because inevitably ANY time I say I want something I get told that I really do NOT want it, and that just annoys me. If I say I want something, dammit, I want it, it doesn’t mean that ANYONE needs to buy it for me. But I don’t see a point in giving my mother a list of things that I want, because she will never ever use it and get me little things that she finds at the Bargain Store anyway. I mean, what’s the point?
   • My kids are hard to deal with, because I want to keep it to a dull roar. I want to get them each one thing (they both want a Didj from LeapFrog and I approve of that) and that might be their “Santa” thing. I know that GirlChild wants a pretend computer (like a Barbie LapTop) and BoyChild wants DS Games and electronic toys like robots (which he has a zillion of and he NEVER plays with)… but I think that one “Santa” gift (and stocking stuffers) and 2 small gifts are enough. I don’t want to spend more than $200 per child
   • I am getting my parents a Dell. I have to order that.
   • I don’t know what to do with the friends
     • G I might just get a gift cert for, its the easiest
     • Serin… who knows, but I think the scarf will be part of it
     • and since K is not really someone I am considering a “friend” right now (and I know this will result in a few texts and emails saying it) I don’t think I will be buying things for him
     • I should get cards to send and give out at the office
     • the new guy? I don’t know… its hard this early on, since I’m not even sure that we have anything more than “dating” going on
6. Work is seriously nutty, but I am not stressing about it because it will get done… and its not the kind of thing where I will EVER have absolutely NOTHING to do. I do have to start considering what I want out of this, because although I am overwhelmed by the AMOUNT of work, I am not even slightly CHALLENGED by the type of work I am doing, and I know that there is no step above where I am now in my department so I have to decide if I am wanting to try and transition into a different role or start to work on more education and transition out of the company to something else.  I have been looking online for degree courses I can pick up at night… but the issue is still the impending divorce…
7. Or lack of MOVEMENT on the divorce. Yep, STBX’s lawyer can’t confirm that they will be able to make it to the 4 way meeting. I have suggested to my counsel that, in that case, we just proceed directly to a chambers meeting so that there is SOME possibility that I will eventually get a validated, SIGNED, and LEGAL SEPARATION AGREEMENT. I am NOT waiting another year…
   • I am well aware that the longer the house sits on the market the less likely it is that ANY funds will come out of it. I am also aware the EX likely has nothing in his Mutual Funds or RRSPs anymore due to the economy… which I am sure he sees as a good thing because its LESS for me. But I am also unwilling to take on his debts without proof of reason, and I am more than willing to pursue retro support and child care, and I might as well go for broke and seek a court issued order for that.

I have realized I am the Queen of Lists (along with the Soverign of Procrastination Nation) as lists tend to show up in a lot of my entries lately. I am embracing this. And so… for my own amusement I have decided that I am good with lists. Heck, I’m not giving you my “to do” list every day, or my grocery lists…because its not all that interesting as grocery lists go. I guess I would do a lot more graphs and charts and stuff if I could… I am big on those .