So… this weekend was really GOOD, very TIRING, but really good.
I got to see my new friend, R, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, which was really good.
We watched movies and talked and got to know each other. And on Sunday, after STBX took the kids for the week (sigh), we actually went out. The funny thing is that we’ve been seeing each other for a month, every weekend, and yet that was the first time we actually went out and did something together, usually he’d come by my place later evenings (after the kids were asleep) and the one weekend I went out to his place after his kids were asleep… so getting out was good.
I think it’s developing into something… but I am afraid to rush things too much either. I don’t really feel like dating other people right now, I have continued to go out on dates here and there but I’m not as much into it. Right now I am just happy exploring this and getting to know this person, and I don’t worry so much about where it is going or how fast (because we can only see each other on weekends anyway) because its better to just let things take their course.
Of course, once I was really interested in R, the FireFighter came back into the picture on me.
Now, previously I had been having fun with the FireFighter, and I would have been happier than anything to continue down the road with the FireFighter NO MATTER WHAT K thought of it, because I was having fun. But the fact of the matter was that a month ago the FireFighter just vanished off the face of the earth on me — he hadn’t bothered to give me his phone number or email address, and I had no idea what was up with him, so I assumed he was too busy for a fuck buddy, that I didn’t pass some requirement he had, or whatever… but the fact that I had never been granted even his phone number made me worried that he wasn’t serious in the first place.
And it wasn’t. Not really. To him it was just play. I was a toy he could take out when HE wanted it, but didn’t have to worry about what I might think or want in my life. He had the control in the situation, and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it. I had to wait for HIM to contact me. And a few weeks ago, that would have likely been good…
But I got tired of being with someone I couldn’t have a conversation with. The first time we met up we had a lot in common, and we had a good conversation, but after that time it became very obvious that he had only one goal in mind. Like I said, if there was a balance there, if there was more than clandestine meetings in the future, I would have been willing to go along. After all it was fun, I was getting to explore my wild side, and I was still free to date on the side because, lets face it, he didn’t care what I did unless or until it interfered with his plans.
So… out of nowhere, a MONTH after I had last seen him online or talked to him, the FireFighter logs onto MSN. I didn’t contact him first, after all he’d kinda made it clear to me that I was there for his needs, and right now I had enough on my plate to not really need more on the side (laugh). But eventually he contacted me and started up a conversation:
“Hiya sexy” (can I just say I HATE that? I mean, I get it that you have so many women that you can’t remember my name, but you’re clearly letting me know what your goal and intentions ARE in this situation by saying that)
I responded and said that I had been busy, asked how he was… recieved much the same answer in reply. Then he asked if I wanted to come over and spend the night with him.
I thought about it… I really did. But I was so completely and utterly exhausted last night that the offer didn’t hold much appeal to me. And, after all, this was the same man who had disappeared for a month, never given me a phone number, and only contacted me when he wanted sex! And yet, here I was, seriously TEMPTED.
But… in the end I just couldn’t do it. Not because K would shit himself (and all over me) if I continued (if anything, just to shut him the fuck up, I would do it) with the FireFighter, but because of a few other factors:
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He would NEVER give me his phone number, because he didn’t want to have a “girlfriend” — which is fine if he’s up front about it, because at that time I wasn’t really that worried about falling into a serious thing and wouldn’t have assumed that we were serious at all. But the lack of having a way to contact him (even if I wasnt’ going to use it) made me suspicious that he was cheating on a girlfriend.
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We never had a conversation after the first one. It was always “how are you doing? Fine. Come over for the night”… and although it was great with him… I don’t want to be someone’s side dish ONLY. It would be one thing to feel like I could talk to this person, that we could go out for coffee or anything once in a while, but I was his booty call and that was all I would ever be. At one point, while I was still sewing my wild oats, I might have accepted that while I went right on dating others, but it was empty.
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He disappears for huge chunks of time. And while I don’t require an explaination, I do not feel like I am so badly off that I need to wait for a booty call to show back up in my life.
But… on the other hand, he was GOOD, he was sexy, and it was an ego stroke (if only a moderate one, given the repuation of Fire Fighters in general) that I was able to attract someone like him in the first place. I would have liked to have rubbed STBX’s nose in it with him, but as it was pointed out to me by Serin, FireFighter wasn’t likely to be out anywhere where STBX would see him anyway, so it wasn’t even that good of an excuse to put up with someone.
And… yet I was still tempted. Why? Was it that he was so good? Was it the thrill of being with someone like him? No. It was because the one time we did go out and talked he was a very interesting person — had been in the military as a paratrooper, had a black belt in karate, was getting certified as a massage therapist, worked as a fire fighter — but that part of him wasn’t available to me because he didn’t want me to consider him interesting or to get to know HIM more… he just wanted to have fun.
And in some ways so do I.
But last night I decided one thing: I want more than just a fuck buddy (as much fun as my fuck buddy was). I want someone who will be interested not only in his own needs, but mine as well. I want someone I can have fun with outside of the bedroom, whom I can engage in a conversation with, who might go out to a movie with me or out to dinner or for a walk or just to hang out and watch a movie on tv… just to BE with a PERSON — I don’t want to be a living blow up dolly.
Now, don’t get me wrong like K did, I KNEW what I was getting into with the FireFighter originally, and I was having fun. I WAS frustrated by the situation, by not being able to contact him and having to wait for him to contact ME, but I CHOSE to endulge in this little “affair”… and I do not feel badly that I slept with man and indulged in a little of the darker, wilder side of myself. I was more hurt in the way things went down, about him not being HONEST with what he wanted from me, but irregardless, it was not for K to decide to try and make me a better person looking through HIS lens of “good person”. And that is thet thing that unsettled me.
Apparently K has decided that he is personally and spiritually responsible for me for now until eternity. And that rankles. I am not his responsibility, I am a person, and ADULT unto myself who does not need someone else guiding me and looking out for my best interests as if I were a child that needed constant help. Instead, I felt very much like I was blindfolded and bubblewrapped. It didn’t feel like being loved, it felt like being “raised” as if I were a child (something that he pointed out in one of the very last of his emails that I deigned to read before realizing that it wasn’t in my best interests to do so) and that as such he felt the need to tell me when I was doing things to “hurt myself”… but the thing is that until he made a huge horrible deal out of it, I wasn’t hurting, he forced the feeling of hurt ONTO me through HIS reactions.
But… that being said…
I’m not sure I will ever hear from the fire fighter again. Because what he wants (fuck buddy) is not necessarily going to fulfill what I want or need (and my needs aren’t even part of the equation in this scenario)…
What if I don’t know what I need?
Right now… I’m really just more confused.
I have been having a super good time with R — I fit with him and I feel good around him and he makes me feel GOOD about myself and things. He listens to me, understands because he’s been through some of these things too, and helps me laugh at the situation and myself. He is gentle and kind and caring… but also strong. We can have a good conversation, and we can understand each other.
I know I don’t want an empty “relationship” where I am left all alone except for when the other wants sex. If I was able to call on favours in the same way, I don’t think the lack of real personal connection would have been so bothersome for me. It was the feeling of being someone’s toy. But it didn’t make me HURT until I was pushed and poked and told that I was “ABUSING” myself (ooh… the trigger words that he had against me).
I didn’t want a relationship, either, where i was the center of attention all the time, where someone was willing to sacrifice themselves or their child’s best interest for me. I didn’t want to be the central influence for anyone, the only thing that makes that person happy, the only thing that that person lives for, the only friend that that person has… I know that i didn’t want to be solely responsible for the happiness of another person, and live up to the expectations that I would reciprocate the feelings and needs of that other. I did not want the feeling that I owe so much unspoken to another, hidden expectations due to hidden choices made and gifts given, or even promises made to other parties (especially divine parties) for my well being.
And so, it has made me think, what do I want?
- I want someone I can feel comfortable with
- I want someone that I can feel I can talk to and with
- I want someone who is mature enough to understand that my children, when I have them, are my primary concern and that, if need be, I will excuse myself to help them, be with them, entertain them, or to provide them with their routine. I want someone who would put THEIR child or children first as well. After all, I expect that if I get into a relationship with someone they will be an adult in all ways possible, and that in a pinch they will be able to take care of themselves. I expect that they will treat ME the same way, as if I am an adult who can take care of my self and my needs, whereas a child cannot (and should not be expected to) do so
- I want someone who has interests of their own that they are willing to (patiently) share with me, but which do not need to subsume me.
- I want someone who can respect that I do have my own interests, and that I am willing to share my interests, but that they are not required to play along, and that there are times that I need to pursue solitary interests. I will assume that some interests of theirs are solitary in nature as well.
- I want someone who can accept that I am Pagan, but not necessarily someone who wants to play along and join my spiritual path because it could make them closer to me. If they enjoy their path, whatever it is, I am happy, as long as they are happy enough to let me continue on my path.
- I want someone who will continue to work on improving themselves for themselves, not to prove to someone that they are worthy. I know how very little that works, from personal experience.
- I want a partner who can see my flaws and help me compensate for them, not feel bad for lacking.
- I want someone who is weak where I am strong and strong where I am weak… someone who makes me stronger, someone I make stronger.
- I want someone who loves, but doesn’t not lose themselves… its better to be loved by a whole person rather than be completing someone.
- I want someone who thinks, reads and is interested in the world around them.
What I do not want:
- I do not want to be responsible for someoen else’s happiness
- I do not want to be somoene’s sex toy or there just to fulfill that person, but rather to be seen as a person deserving of respect in my own right
- I do not want to be put on a pedestal
- I do not want to be someone’s happiness
- I do not want someone who is willing to sacrifice themselves or others for me.
- I do NOT want to be SAVED (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) by anyone
- I do not want to be told what I “need” to do or be given “logic” as to why I need to do things a certain way
- I do not want to be hidden away like a dark secret
- I do not want to be someone’s trophy
- I do not want to be treated like a child — I do not need to be “taught” or “trained”
- I do not want someone who thinks they know it all
- I do not want someone who cannot admit when they are wrong, I want somoene who can admit that there are many ways to see the world and do things.
I think there is more exploration to be done here… (2628 words)
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