I am feeling much less… annoyed at my lawyer and STBX. I mean, the divorce will be dragged on as long as the legal system can possibly do it, and I accept that. I am not looking to remarry anytime soon, if ever (although once I am divorced, who knows how I will feel about it? There are definately aspects of marriage that are valuable and right, even if my marriage was not loving, supportive, or cooperative in the least. I realize, now, that there is a value to a sustained, legally recognized family unit… but the divorce process is a BITCH and I will be more cautious about getting married because getting divorced is insanely difficult)… but I do NEED my name off the debt accounts that he has been frivilous with and away from his selfish spending patterns.

STBX will not change. That much is obvious. He grew up in absolute poverty, and yet HIS father feels that if there is even $5 in his wallet it NEEDS to be spent and ALL available credit should be used to the maximum allowed. You’d think, watching his parents struggle (and they do not earn much through their church/charity) that he would learn that you have to have savings, that things happen, that you can’t be straining against the bank all the time. And, given his income, there is really no reason OTHER than selfishness and stupidity (and really, can’t blame ME for this because there were MANY things he didn’t NEED that he bought) for him to be so far in debt.

I am trying to let go of the fear of his debt. I am trying to focus on fairness in this situation. I am trying to keep my temper out of it. Right now I have to focus on the other things in my life.

And, truth be told, there are so many good things in my life right now.

As I said before, I am in the process of just starting off on a new relationship, and I am surprised at how good this is going for me. I wake up in the morning smiling and thinking of him, and I smile as I go to sleep, after having talked to him. And I know, part of it is the flush of something new and exciting (hell YEAH!) and the thrill of learning new patterns and openning myself up the new possibilities… and that’s good. I am not focusing on “where is this going” right now, because what’s the point? It will develop as it develops, and pushing it to some place that it is not meant to go will serve no purpose.

And I think he feels the same.

I look forward to texts from him in the morning before he gets to work, and messages on IM after we get our kids to bed in the evenings, and to seeing him on weekends when we can. I look forward to talking to him and snuggling up to him on the couch and watching a movie, and kissing him, and letting things lead where they lead. I feel like a teenager, but, of course, I don’t have the constraints of a teenager. I don’t have the guilt with pre-marital sex (or post-marital or sex OUTSIDE of an official sanctioned marraige vow, which,  truth be told didn’t bother me ALL that much when I was a teenager), and I am free to explore the depths of my sexuality with this man.

I am loving the freedom to be myself that i have right now:

• I love being able to go to the gym sometimes and just run on the treadmill or do the weights (although I want to do a class, I just never seem to get to it) for an hour.
• I love being free to go through my stuff, all the variety of crap that I have in my house, and just GET RID of things that don’t work for me anymore, that don’t FIT me anymore, or which don’t have purpose for me.
•  I LOVE having a bit of money on iTunes so I can get music I like, and not having to worry about deleting music that I do NOT like.
• I love having time and space to be creative (although I haven’t used it yet).
• I love being free to bake cookies if I want, or order a pizza, or to make pizza.
•  I love being able to spread out my tarot cards on the floor, being able to sit and READ them.
• I love being able to chat online and KNIT things.
• I love making socks.
• I love deciding to wear makeup in the morning.
•  I love dressing sexy and being able to be appreciated for my taking care of my body.
• I love my small nose piercing.
• I love my peridot ring.
• I love showering in the mornings (when my shower isn’t broken).
•  I love laying in my large bathtub and reading trashy books in the evenings.
• I love bathing with LUSH products.
• I love having a cup of hot tea in the evenings, wearing my flannel pj’s and haning out with my online friends.
• I love being able to have sex when I want it, and being able to use DIFFERENT positions.
• I love writing in my journals
• I love my collection of blank books
• I love my collection of kid created art on my walls
• I love my tiny Yule tree
• I love being able to get things for MY family
• I love having as many pens as I want
• I love not having to watch TV or movies every night
• I love not having to listen to PEARL JAM all the time
• I love being free to sleep alone, and being free to cuddle up when I have the opportunity
• I love being able to burn incense
• I love having the freedom to set up an altar
• I love being Pagan
• I love singing to my music
• I love dancing in my living room
• I love my kittens running through the house
• I love my HD tv (laugh)
• I love the quiet
• I love driving my car
• I love printing off pictures and putting them up where I want to
• I love controlling my own finances
• I love choosing who I talk to and how long I talk to them
• I love loving my body and all its responses to things
• I love touching and being touched, kissing and being kissed, tasting and being tasted
• I love giving my all and getting things in return.
• I love not being married to STBX, and I look forward to being granted a divorce. I’m going to FRAME that certificate. I am going to throw a party. I am going to have wild, uninhibited sex. I am going to celebrate surviving his selfish bullshit and childish petulance.

I don’t regret marrying him, I do regret choosing to settle when I knew I wasn’t sure before I married him. I regret not staying away from him when I first found out I was pregnant with GirlCAhild and going back to a man I knew couldn’t change to become less selfish. I don’t regret choosing not to have more children with him, but I regret choosing to make it a permanent factor so I could never choose to have another child. 

And I am going to continue to love ME…