Beyond the sickening fear that my ex is going to fuck my life over even further, I have been having an okay time.

 

One of the things that has been going on is that I have been cutting K out of my life. About 3 weeks ago I “slipped” and allowed him to convince me that he had changed and that he was ready to be my friend rather than to sit around whining all the time about how much he loved me, or, alternatively, how much I had screwed up his life (or rather how he had screwed up his life FOR me). But it was just another round of “feel sorry for me for missing you” and subtle guilt tricks. And so I resolved that I would completely cut him out of my life…

 

I took him off my face book (but apparently he didn’t take me off his), deleted him off my phone, and set  up filters on my gmail accounts to auto archive email missives coming from him. I should have listened to Serin and set up the filter to just completely DELETE the emails that K sent to me, but I thought that there might be value in eventually contacting him again.

 

And I left it at that.

 

Every so often he would email me, usually the emails were either light and chirpy, all about how great he was doing, how much better things were without me (new girl, better friends, getting out every week night (since he is never “saddled” with his kid on weekdays), more money… blah blah blah) or how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he thinks that we were perfect together… except that i need to recognize that I am not really as wonderful as I think I am, but I am the most perfect person… blah blah blah.

 

So… what I got out of reading over (but not replying to) the emails is this:

 

He is over me, but he isn’t and he’d come back if I asked

He is doing better without me in all ways

I was perfect and it was his issue that lead to our break up

I did things that were “weird” and out of character

 

And so… I have been avoiding replying or responding to him in any way.

 

And i was doing better. I was finally feeling better about where I was going and what I was doing and what I was focusing on in my life… and then, out of the blue he freaking PHONES me.

 

Why? To “talk”. Why? Because he wants to let me know that he’s okay with me cutting him out of my life, because he is doing so much better without me. And he is sure that we could be friends, because he is over me, but not over me enough to meet again (does he think I am one of his girly chicks that will fawn all over him??? I know he’s not right for me… and I’m not impressed by the women fawning over him, I’m not impressed by his finances, I am not impressed that someday he’ll be a millionaire, I’m not impressed by his financial advisor, I am not impressed by his swearing an oath to “the Gods” to protect me… nothing he does can make him right for me and my life).

 

And here I am, sitting on the phone with him, telling him that I don’t want to talk to him, and he’s agreeing… and then he starts in on me about things.

 

Oh, apparently I hate being told I am a “goddess” and I have objected that he tells me that there is nothing wrong with me, and then when he does tell me I have flaws, and that he recognizes them (and OH does this ass have a huge catalog of “flaws” that I have but refuse to acknowledge) but that I get ANGRY when he points them out to me. I didn’t respond. What can I say, I hate being ATTACKED and degraded for any little “flaw”… because it isn’t just a gentle pointing out, its a vicious character attack from K.

 

Then he started in on me about how I had been acting “weird” because when I was trying to leave STBX my faith (at the time I would have considered myself “Wiccan” but due to a lot of backlash in the local Pagan community I have since relabled myself as a Pagan “Seeker” since I am not an initiate of Wicca, I have no contact with any of the Traditional English covens or teachings, and would be more likely classified as “Ecclectic”) was a cornerstone of why I wanted to leave. The thing is that it was a cornerstone of why K THOUGHT I wanted to leave STBX, and something that K, who considered himself agnostic with Heathen leanings FOCUSED on citing “abuse” because STBX did not allow me to have my own beliefs, but it was no more a reason for me wanting to leave than his working away, financial fuckery, lack of interest in my life, being unsupportive, or feeling like i was just a sex toy to be used once or twice a week and then tossed aside and ignored the rest of the time.

 

So… in K’s opinion, I had not fulfilled my “spirituality” by focusing SOLELY on becoming more actively PAGAN and out and doing Witchy things or being more witchy.

 

Which made me mad (and again, I didn’t react), because it was K who was the one who was JUDGING what was or was not “reconnecting” with my faith. Because I wasn’t willing to share my spirituality with HIM…

 

The thing is, who is to say WHEN I have to start doing “witchy” things? Who says I have to do certain things for certain days? Apparently K thinks it is HIS schedule that things must work on, that things need to be done a certain way in order to be correct. I have run into this aspect before — he needed everything to be said and done in a certain way at a certain time, or it wasn’t being done.  It was like when we were “together” he kept talking about how things were going to be when we were living together or making plans for that day, even though I had never indicated I wanted to live with him.

The part that annoyed me the most was that I tend to take time to think and discover myself, and my religion is such a personal part of my life that I didn’t see a NEED to share my faith and the most intimate details of it with him. The problem is that, like a lot of other people, there is the idea that being a Pagan is a set thing, that there are things that are always done, or things that you have to do at certain times of the year, and its really not that much.

But the issue is that I feel like I lived like a hermit for 13 years. I lived with all the parts of me wrapped up and stuffed in a box that I put in the back of my closet in order to please my ex, and it wasn’t just spirituality that was packed away, there were many many parts of my personality that eventually I felt I had to take out of my soul, carefully wrap up and pack away. There were many things of the things that had made me a genuine full rounded person, hoKies, interests, learnings, dreams, spirituality, passions and enthusiasms that got packed away from my daily life. I would take them out every so often, unwrap them briefly, consider taking them out and displaying them with prominence, and then realize how bad things could get if I was genuinely me… and stuff them guiltily back into that closet.

As Serin likes to point out, this past year and a half has still very much been a year of unpacking these things. Maybe, if you were focusing only on ONE thing having been packed away, it would be easy to take it out. But the thing is, I packed away a LOT of these little things about myself that I am rediscovering, and its a continual process. And while K thought that my Wiccan/Pagan practice MUST be the most important thing that I should focus on, my soul has felt that there are other things that must be unpacked, evaluated, and modified or discarded first, before I can get back to spiritual practice.

Oh, and for that matter, it may be that I am not INTERESTED in sharing my practices, or even THOUGHTS on the practices, with HIM. I wasn’t ready to share this with someone, heck, I haven’t even really explored it or tried it on for MYSELF, I definately do not need someone sitting there asking “what does that do? Are you sure you have it on right? Aren’t you supposed to wear it this way on this day?” when all I want is to become more comfortable in my own skin, in my own MIND…

And so… I have decided that one thing I have to leave behind, will be K. I will have to walk away from him the way I walked away from Entropy. And I KNOW, deep down, that both decisions to walk away were right…