Jan 12
Wow… the drama…
Despite trying my best to avoid the Stalker, communication from him seems to leak through, at least a little each week. It is to the point, right now, that I have started to seriously look at what ELSE I can change or lock down in order to feel more secure…
What I have done so far:
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blocked him on FaceBook… I went a step BEYOND just taking him off my friends’ list and actually blocked him so that he could no longer email me through FaceBook. Of course I haven’t taken everyone he KNOWS off my FaceBook, but since I use it only a few minutes a week I don’t think that it will affect me all that much.
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auto-delete his email from my TWO main email accounts now — I forgot to set the auto-delete on one of the accounts because most of my email filters through the other and I thought that the auto-delete on that account could catch everything. I have now fixed this.
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I have set his number to a single beep and marked “do not answ” in case he calls me on my phone. I am sure that if he texted me from his phone that it would come up that was as well and I could easily delete it.
I just don’t want the drama anymore… it seems to me that he wants my attention, and I am feeling the need to get the hell away from him more and more strongly. There is something not right about the situation, and I am at the point where I am no longer willing to try and EXPLAIN it, I am moved to the “this is my intuition” phase and I am GOOD with that.
Listen to my intution
I have spent too much of the past year listening to why the feelings that I had, the fact that every fiber of my being was screaming “there is something wrong here” at me about Stalker… I thought it was my guilt over my separation or the fact that I jumped into something before I was ready. I thought that it was my trust issues or self esteem issues. Basically, I thought that all this was something WRONG with me.
But its NOT.
It might have taken me 34 years to “get it” but I do now. I know that when I feel this terrible sense of un-ease I need to pay attention to it. I do not NEED to understand why I feel what I feel, that I can do from a safe distance… but I do need to realize that my feelings are that way for a reason, and that I am a pretty good judge of the situation if I let myself be. This is intuition, it is a gut feeling, and INSTINCT (in as much as that might be a mis-nomer here, its as close as I can compare) and that really, it does NOT require deep analysis.
It just is.
Right now…
The emails last night bothered me in that it seemed that I was being accused of wrong doing (yet again) by someone wrongly. And, yes, I let things get me more worked up than I needed to… because in the end it was more than likely Stalker trying to prod me into communicating with him and not anything I needed to really KNOW. This is what I know of the situation:
(the comments were that, as Stalker’s “Pam”, I had been “f**king” someone’s husband and she was commenting TO HIM, via TEXT that I was doing this AND that they had kids)
- I do not know his phone number off the top of my head.
- I do not feel any need or desire to text him
- I have not given his phone number out to anyone
- I have not been “f**king” someone else’s husband… I have only ONE person I am seeing right now and he’s separated
- even if RGG’s estranged wife is bothered by me dating him…
- I don’t know that she knows MY name
- there is no real way to connect me to Stalker, even if she knew who I was
- if she knew who I was AND knew who Stalker was, she wouldn’t know HIS phone number to text him
- I WOULDN’T CARE
- I NEVER once stated that I was in a relationship with Stalker
- Stalker’s phone number is not publicly accessible… and again, I don’t care enough to give it out to anyone or even dial it myself.
Which leads me to think that there are no comments of this nature coming to him… and that would, naturally lead me to believe that this is yet ANOTHER ruse to try and prod me into communicating with him, when it is becoming exceedingly (I would freaking HOPE) clear that I do NOT want anything to do with him.
It is completely in-line with the blog commentor, coming from HIS IP address. It is a comment designed to press MY particular buttons around privacy, friendship, and relationships. It is an accusation, thinly veiled, directed at me from Stalker (first that I lost my values, now that I am sleeping around with someone’s husband and interfering in a family with children), and yet it also pretends the concern that he tried to press upon me for the last 2 years. But his concern was more designed to keep me feeling that I needed him, that the world was threatening in some way, that I needed to be protected.
And, you know what?
I can take care of myself. I am an adult.
And this type of thing is NOT acceptable.
And so I have tightened up my security surrounding any way he could contact me. And he can continue to whine about people contacting him or try to make stupid remarks to get me off balance, and I am not going to deal with it anymore.
UNACCEPTABLE I cry!
Pam’s Life Lessons:
- Pay attention to your intuition
- I have a right to decide who I let into my life
- I do not have to EXPLAIN my FEELINGS to anyone unless I WANT to
- When something looks like a cry for attention it probably IS
- I have a right to expect that people behave in an acceptable and mature manner
- I have a right to NOT respond to behaviour I do NOT find acceptable
- I have a right to cut someone out of my life, and I do NOT need agreement from that person in order to do it
- I do not NEED to keep Stalker in my life, and I do NOT need to offer a “reasonable explaination” as to why I do NOT want to talk, text, or email
- I can delete and block anyone I want off FaceBook… I can FRIEND anyone I want on FaceBook. I can change my status, I can change my relationship status… hell… I can change ANYTHING about it without asking PERMISSION
- I am an adult. I am, therefore, the ONLY one who should be held accountable for my choices and it is NOT anyone else’s responsibility to be my “moral police”
Very very very very important life lessons. I am glad you’ve come to this, even though it’s been because of someone being weird, creepy, and nuts. Hey – sometimes the lessons come hard!