Disentangling from Guilt
January14
Here we go again.
This weekend was wonderful. I like that now I can write and write and write over the course of the week and not worry too much about taking a pause on the weekends. I can’t believe that I didn’t realize I could schedule my posts… this is a “well, duh” moment, here.
Of course, up until this week I didn’t realize that I could do that… I mean conceptually I did know… I just never realized that I could do it on MY blog as well. And, a few months ago I didn’t NEED to know this stuff because, well… I didn’t WRITE a few months ago.
And now I have my “words” back… something that had been missing from my life for 8 years. Even if Serin teases me because I write so prolificly, even if no one reads my blog (although someone is, they just aren’t noting me at all), I am still writing, and I still have a good sense of who I am when I am writing, and it doesn’t matter to me at all if no one else cares (anymore)…
Because I am writing again.
I place the “blame” squarely on the Rapport Leadership Breakthrough training I recieved… although Serin doesn’t feel that I can say it is more than a catalyst for me to change myself. And that’s true… but without having gone through it would I have done the things necessary to make the changes in my life? Not likely. I needed a serious kick in the ass to see that I WAS a wonderful and worthy person, and that I didn’t NEED to be stuck in the patterns that I was stuck in, and that I COULD break out.
Looking back to before the training session, I can’t BELIEVE the person I was and how I had gotten trapped in that pattern of low self-worth behavior. And, because I love lists, here is a list of things that have changed (how I was, how I have changed) since the LB1 session I took:
-
I had been feeling bad about the “relationship” with Stalker for almost a year, but had not been able to cut the ties with him due to his incessant need to have a “good” reason why I felt that way. Upon coming back from the session I did what I had to do, I let him know in no uncertain terms that I did not love him, that I did not see ANY future with him, and that I intended to start looking into moving on with my life.
-
I had been unable to let go of the past issues I had had surrounding Entropy. It took me a long time to get to it, but I finally made the effort to reach out and apologize to Entropy for walking away from him the way I did in the past.
- I felt trapped in the life that I had created, and most of the trap that I had created was of my own GUILT. I felt guilty for walking away from Entropy, I felt guilty for getting free of STBX, I felt guilty for starting up with Stalker, I felt guilty for “destroying” the lives of my children, I felt guilty for doing things to make myself healthy. Now I am learning to get that balance that I need. I am learning that it is OKAY that I lost my friendship with Entropy because we needed to cut ties with each other in order for both of us to move on with our lives. It was okay to walk away from my marriage, because it was slowly killing my spirit and it was doing nothing for me at all for years. It is okay that I dallied with Stalker, and it is completely FINE that I didn’t want what he did and that I have had to cut HIM off too. And things will be okay with the kids, because we will work together to make it work out in the situation we are in.
-
I was afraid to talk to people, afraid to call people, afraid to go out and DO things. Pretty much the FIRST thing I did after I took the LB1 course was phone Serin and actually TALK to him (my habit had been hanging up before he called, worried that I had overstepped my boundaries with him). I joined a gym (and have gone, off and on, but I have gone). I have looked into courses I can take. I joined a few online dating sites — I went on DATES! I met great guys and I met Really Great Guy (RGG)… and I have really openned myself and my life up a LOT.
The two biggest changes for me have been the breaking free of Stalker (and the guilt associated with that) and beign able to open myself up to new people. I hadn’t realized how bad the relationship with Stalker had gotten — by the time I went to the training I had been pretty much worn down (by him) that he was the best I was going to have in my life and that no matter how horrible being in the “relationship” with him had been feeling I had led him to believe there was a future and now I had to own up to that. I can look back now and see that I had started to question my feelings for him November 2007, and I had pulled away and pulled away and tried to end things with him several times SINCE then. I can see, looking back, the way that guilt was used against me to control me. I can see, now, how he would badger me to communicate with him because he wanted so much for me to see that we were “perfect” together. And I can see quite clearly how trapped I felt with him, as if I was in just another sick marriage where I had to just go along with what he wanted because any questioning of the “plan” would be openning myself up to literally HOURS of verbal assault about how horrible I was and how he was so great to me.
And I am free now. I had to be rude, I had to be a bitch. I had to walk away and make sure that he could no longer communicate with me. And I did these things because I had to, for my own sanity, in order to feel good about myself, in order to move on with my life, in order to clear myself out of the feelings of clinging guilt.
And once I got free of his entanglements I was free to seek out new friends and new situations and open myself up to new things. I went out on dates (despite his tears that I didn’t wait LONG ENOUGH after I “dumped him” (dude, I told you I didn’t want to be “exclusive” with you 6-8 months BEFORE I finally told you I didn’t want ANY romantic relationship with you now or EVER… it wasn’t that soon), I had fun, I learned my own lessons, I learned my own strength.
I refuse to be tangled by guilt anymore…
The biggest thing for me this year has been releasing myself from the guilt that I have felt. I have felt guilt for EVERYTHING, because I have felt that I was responsible for the errors I made and that they were grievous errors. But I have also learned that mistakes are often the biggest catalysts for change that we can have.
Sure, I can sit here and feel bad that I walked away from my marriage. But I won’t. Because I can see that I needed to do that, for my own good. I can see that I had not been happy for years and years with STBX, that his choice to live away from his family and not be emotionally supportive of me pushed me away, that he pushed me away. And although I can feel badly for reaching out to other people as a replacement of the emotional connection that I should have had with my husband, the fact that no matter how hard I had tried to foster that emotional connection with STBX he rejected me made it impossible. It was like living with a brick wall, nothing ever got in or out… and after years of that I just needed to find a connection with other human beings. It might have been wrong for my marriage, but it was not wrong for ME. And he can accuse me of affairs all he wants (and so can anyone else) but I know that truth.
I can sit here and feel horrible about leaning on Stalker when I needed a friend. But I won’t. Not anymore. I couldn’t be sure what I felt after coming out of my relationship with STBX, and I warned Stalker that I didn’t know what I really felt. I think it was very unfair of him to push for a serious relationship with me when I had been so unsure right from day one. Yes, I should not have gotten involved with him at all — I can see clearly now how sick and needy Stalker is, I can see how he emotionally drained me — but I can also see that even though I did get involved after my marriage I learned a great deal of who I was and where I was going. I could have lived without hurting Stalker, but in the end I can’t be responsible for his feelings for me and I can’t force myself to feel what I don’t feel. It didn’t work with STBX it won’t work with Stalker.
I can sit here and feel sorry for myself about living alone without the luxuries that I had when I lived with STBX, but that won’t change the fact that I would rather have my SELF than THINGS.
I can sit here and worry that by choosing to become a healthier person I might have caused issues for my children. And I might have caused their lives to be harder, that is true. But I think that in the end it is infinately better for them to have a mother that is more present and healthy, who is happy with herself, and who can show them what it is like to be happy and emotionally healthy. All I can do is work to the best of my ability to be the best mother I can, and when I fall short of my mark, I just try to improve… continuous improvement is what it is about.
I can sit around all day feeling sorry for myself for not living up to what other people want me to be, but in the end I will NEVER live up to what every single person wants from me. All I can do is live up to who I am, and find the “Right People” for me and my life. And I can adapt to things as they come up, without guilt for needing to change, because that is what life is about, growth and change and moving towards being a better person. I can feel sorry or guilty for changing my mind or my life patterns, or I can be happy that I am becoming more aware of who I am and what I want.
So…
Pam’s Life Lessons…
-
There is truely no point in being mired in guilt for the errors of the past.
-
You can’t please all the people all of the time, so please yourself and the people who applaud you will be the ones that truely care about you
-
“Just keep swimming”… because forward movement is always good
-
When you fail it is time to review what you learned, not sit and cry… looking back on my “failures” I can see where I have missed a great deal of very good life lessons and very good opportunities by spending too much time feeling horrible about not succeeding.
-
Mistakes are often better learning experiences than successes
-
My life is mine to control, not another person. If I choose to love again, if I choose to marry/partner again I will also choose to become a full partner and not just “the wife”… I will remember the failures of the past and focus on how to make things work.
-
Continuous improvement is a great model for everyday life
-
Reflection is best served without the drama… but it is good to try to dispassionately review what went right and what went wrong and what could be done differently
Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
Look, that Serin guy has seen a *LOT* of people take a *LOT* of courses. And the courses can give you great tools and perspectives, that you might not be able to duplicate.
But you look at it and you’ll see that most people don’t act on what they learn. They go home, they spend a month all excited about stuff, and then they go back to the old habits.
So the fact that change has happened, and over a protracted period, absolutely has something to do with the course, but to give the course all the credit is to deny something phenomenal within you. Someone had to take the changes to heart. Someone had to stand up for herself against a spectacular collection of challenges. Someone had to endure the long slow wait as you get to the next milestone.
Look at where you were two years ago. Or last year. That’s not the course. That’s you.
The course gave you great tools. But the heart is what used the tools to build this you.
Aw man. I took so long posting that note, you’ve written more. I’m never going to catch up!!
(BTW, I tease you, but I’m also enjoying your words. Keep writing!)