Jan 20
I am happy that my life is no longer in a permanent holding pattern, and that there is an end date to this process. I am starting my life again, in a very real sense, and I am feeling so much better about things now than I did 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, even 6 months ago…
So much has changed, and, especially in the last 3 months, changed for the BETTER. I have been doing a great deal of personal WORK, quietly, privately, and with passion and enthusiasm, which is getting me over the blocks that I have been holding me back for the last few years. I have worked consistently on getting back on track with my personal goals, I have been looking into my values, I have finally let go of other people’s perceptions of me, and I am HAPPY.
These are the things that make me HAPPY:
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having my children with me
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watching my kittens chase each other
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writing on my blog
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writing in a blank book
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water colour pencils
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printer that prints photos, so I can scrapbook (when I have the time and space)
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having the Really Great Guy in my life
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my sex life
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having an idea of what will happen with the divorce
Divorce trumps separation…
The next few weeks I am sure I will have more information on the agreements from my lawyer, as they have to be written up, reviewed, and signed off by both parties (likely in triplicate or more) and then sent through the court process. I am lucky in that we agreed that the divorce will trump the separation agreement (in that I don’t have to wait for the court to process the separation agreement BEFORE I can apply for the divorce paper) and that it might be well and truely done (at least in that aspect) in a few weeks.
Hope springs eternal…
After that… well there is only the glorious hope that the house sells and that I can get out from under a bunch of debt… rather than walking away with more debt than I can ever support and hoping that I can avoid bankruptcy. I don’t know the liklihood of that. All I can do is hope that eventually people want to buy homes again and that there is less pressure on top of me.
Cry FREEDOM…
I am hopeful that there is freedom on the other front as well. I know that the person in question has a relationship right now, and I think i have made it clear that I do NOT feel that I am comfortable hearing his version of how things are going have gone, should have gone… etc. I know, from the few emails I have had from him lately (on the nice side of things) that he feels that he has been wronged because he wants a friendship and I do not want that right now, that I feel that his view of who I am and what I want, my values, my ideals and really my interests are skewed. It’s so awkward for me, because I want to believe… but the games that have been played on his side to get my attention have driven me further away from EVER wanting to talk to him again.
I won’t respond to him. I know better now. I just hope that the last phone conversation, in which I stated that I did not want to be his friend and that I didn’t want to talk to him would have made that clear. But I don’t think that it does.
I do wonder, though, what someone like that thinks they are accomplishing when they are unwanted or they start to become unwanted and they STILL push for “friendship” or something of the like? When you need space and someone doesn’t give it to you, but instead asks for you to listen to them discuss all the reasons why you are 1) a bitch, 2) wrong, 3) failing, or 4) a bad person/friend over and over… well… what does it give them?
Failures and personal communication breakdown…
I think that if I had been allowed to grieve for my past — the failure of my marriage, the failure of my ideals, the reality that I am NOT a 23 year old girl anymore and I can’t just go back to being that person in ANY aspect of my life, that I have done wrong by myself and other people, and that I have fallen into something with someone who makes me UNCOMFORTABLE – I might have been more able to come back and try to be his friend after the process of grieving was worked through.
It isn’t that I don’t realize I did things incorrectly with Stalker… its that I felt extreme PRESSURE when I was with him, and the communication was not what EITHER of us needed.
- I felt personally ATTACKED whenever he “confronted” me with his feelings. It was his manner of bringing things up or his tone or his sense of urgency or panic or even the fact of the words he chose. And because I felt that there was a personal attack in his communications (because, quite often there WAS), I either reacted to that, or shrunk back into myself and didn’t respond. Which pushed buttons and caused MORE of the same from him.
- HE, on the other hand, wanted more communication on HIS schedule and was offended that I didn’t respond in a like manner or have the same set of priorities (often my children would come before him, whereas he felt that if I needed him he’d have put me before his child… one thing that always sort of bothered me. My children, being children, are not able to take care of themselves yet and so if I need to I will put off ANYONE until they are taken care of, and yes, that INCLUDES not interrupting their bedtime routine to “talk” to someone about something that is NOT an EMERGENCY, I expect adults are able to care for their own emotional needs for 30 extra minutes if need be — UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY.)
- We didn’t share feelings, in the most basic sense of that statement. He felt one way, I did NOT feel that way. I admit it is a frustrating situation and it was accacerbated by my confusion having come out of a bad situation and decompressing from THAT situation WHILE trying to determine what to do with a NEW situation. So, my not KNOWING how I felt about him made things WORSE because I. DID. NOT. KNOW.
- he was in love with me, something he never hid, and from my recollection that started prior to us actually starting out on any sort of relationship. I was NOT in love with him, I was not in love with STBX, I was just in a place where I was very unsure and very confused about feelings.
- should i have gotten involved with him? NO. 100% NO! Did I? Yes. But I warned him right off the start that I didn’t think that I was ready yet and that I felt the need to have more space.
- he was in love with me, something he never hid, and from my recollection that started prior to us actually starting out on any sort of relationship. I was NOT in love with him, I was not in love with STBX, I was just in a place where I was very unsure and very confused about feelings.
- When I finally realized things I was unable to put into words what was wrong, what I really thought and felt. The feelings were very new to me, as I hadn’t really felt much of anything for the entirity of the process.
- He had expectations of me — in that I either loved or would grow to love him, and that his sacrifices for me would keep me with him. And he was hurt and ‘betrayed’ when the guilt did NOT keep me with him, and further pushed me away from him.
Exploration is good for the soul…
So, why do I even LOOK at what went wrong there?
Well… because I find myself in a NEW relationship, with a new man who is completely unlike anyone else I have ever dated and whom I KNOW I have shared feelings with. And I don’t want to start off with bad communication patterns. I know that I have tended to communicate on a different level or just shut off in stressful situations, and because I want this to work out, I am woking on getting my communication patterns in a better order.
Pam’s Life Lessons…
- Its okay to have different priorities, as long as they are communicated effectively
- sometimes feelings aren’t clear
- rebound relationships happen, they suck, but they are part of life. Forgive yourself and move on
- sometimes you just can’t please everyone, try to be the best person you can be anyway
- you can’t always be friends with your ex… and sometimes if you CAN you will disagree about the past…
- communication takes both parties to understand what each other needs and not force the issues out into the open
- being forced leads to stuckification
“you can’t always be friends with your ex… and sometimes if you CAN you will disagree about the past”
That’s something I didn’t know and learned far too painfully. SOmetimes you’re done because you’re done.