Jan 20
I recently wrote a post about the overwhelming experience of having RGG and his kids stay over the weekend with my kids and I… and I think that the whole event scared RGG (away?) way more than it scared me.
Sure, I was overwhelmed. But only PART of that was due to him and his kids being there… hell… my life right now is so overwhelming (divorce, debt, house sale, stalker, STBX, disorganized house, financial worries)…
I did feel very much alone in the experience. I felt I was singularly responsible, for the most part, for cooking, cleaning and keeping things sane, and it was a hard thing for me to do because, my dears, I happen to be a perfectionist.
It was a hard situation because while RGG was there and able to be supportive (and WANTED to be supportive), I wasn’t really comfortable asking him to help out and because I wasn’t asking for help he seemed to feel that he couldn’t just step in or take over. And so he tried to keep out of the way…
Which led to me being overwhelmed.
Unfortunately I don’t have the financial fluidity, not right now, to float 3 extra people all weekend by myself, not EVERY weekend… as much as I would LOVE to have them come stay, as much as I want to merge our lives right now, I just can’t afford to support 6 people by myself…
And I feel badly saying that, because it sounds like its just a financial thing for me…
Do I want them around? Yes… I do. I like having them around.
I LIKE the chaos.
I would need some help sometimes, I really would. I can’t do it EVERY weekend, for sure. I don’t know if I could do it when my kids were at their father’s because I feel that I’m a third wheel right now to him and his girls, but when my kids are around I feel I have a place… if that makes sense.
I would like to have them around more… I’d just need RGG to help me.
What kind of help would I need?
Well…
- as much as he likes his sleep and to rest on weekends, I’d need him to get up with everyone and to be responsible the kids in the mornings while I deal with breakfast and clean up
- I would need him to actually tell me what the heck his kids will eat and to have a meal plan set out and agreed on rather than scrambling to figure out what to make
- we’d need to get them out of the house a bit each day because my place is small and having 2-4 bored kids stuffed inside all the time just leads to trouble and extra melt downs
- we’d have to decide how we deal with the kids and parenting issues — is he okay with me allowing his girls to throw a fit or will that bother him? Do I mind him telling my kids to do something or stop doing something?
I mean, if he helped a bit more this past weekend it wouldn’t have been so overwhelming… and a lot of that was MY fault for not asking him to get up and help out more — I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle the 4 kids… especially if (since) we might eventually want to merge our families a bit more…
But I couldn’t handle all the kids AND get meals prepared AND clean up afterwards AND keep the fights down (laugh) AND protect the cats AND dealing with the plumber AND worrying about how well I was doing…
I could have used someone to keep them in control (or out from under my feet) while I made meals. I could have used help with the dishes once or twice during the weekend. I could have definately used some input into meals (laugh)…
But more than the stress was the fact that I felt more SURE about what we are starting to create…
And this is the part that he’s having a hard time “getting”…
It might be HARD…
- but I felt better about being mother (or mother figure) when he was there.
- I felt better about my ability to make it through my divorce, and my financial stresses, and my stalker issues, and not knowing what to do with my house… when I knew that there was someone that still wanted to be with me when I was a bit frazzled and overwhelmed. When I knew that there was someone to hug for a minute.
- I felt like there was HOPE left in my life… that even if it is HARD to do, I might not have to be alone FOREVER and EVER and EVER…
- I felt that, overall, as a merging of our lives it might have been chaotic… but it was GOOD and it gave us a space to start and work towards a more merged life…
I just don’t know if he agrees…
*This* is where the communication thing kicks in. You have your feelings, except he’ll have his. And sometimes asking for help hits the a nerve of “You never do this for me”
I have faith. You’re a catch. And he has obviously noticed. So just be warm and honest. Like you usually are. When your head isn’t all explodey.