Loneliness
January27
The problem with the weeks I am alone is… well… that i’m ALONE. Completely and totally alone, and I really start to feel it.
When the kids leave its like all the life is sucked right out of my place and I just don’t know what to do with myself.
This is new for me.
I spent more time as a lone parent while I was married than I did as a parenting duo. I never felt that my marriage was a true partnership, and I was alone a LOT during that 10 years even when he was physically present in our home.
So I thought that I was used to being alone, immune to loneliness.
I guess I was wrong.
And I find myself surprised that I am lonely, because why should I be just because I am alone?
But I am.
And I don’t know how to deal with lonely feelings… because it is new to me.
So last night I tried to fill my night with things that would keep my mind off the fact that I was, in fact, feeling quite terrible and lonely and just wanting to talk to someone or be held or… alternatively just cry it all out and go to bed.
So I cleaned my kitchen from floor and up through the cupboards.
And I took out a bunch of garbage to the trash… in the biting cold without my jacket on (because I felt more that way, I hate not feeling things).
And I reorganized things.
And I looked at my budget for the first time in a few weeks.
And I considered how I can fix my finances, what I can cut back on.
And I worried about getting my car fixed before the current problem becomes too big to handle (or I break down on the side of the road)…
Then I talked to Serin for a while, but my heart wasn’t into talking much.
So I had a VERY hot shower… and I took my vitamins… which for some reason I managed to choke on (sigh).
And I went offline (which is unusual for me, usually I don’t feel alone if I have even one person I can talk to online) instead.
And I turned on the Wii, and did a little bit of Wii Fit (oops, dropped another 3 lbs… I was supposed to maintain or gain back to a healthy weight) until I felt too dragged down by that too.
So I went to my room (shudder) and sat on my bed and wrote out all the constant worries that I have about things, which last night tended to be about relationships and my communication patterns.
And I wondered if I need to start a different communication pattern… things change, patterns change with them… and I wondered if my need to communicate online was an issue that was accacerbating the feeling of loneliness, if my desire to talk to people was hurting me more than it was helping me right now.
Then I laid down and listened to music, but couldn’t sleep.
What have I learned here (Pam’s Life Lessons):
- I am not immune to loneliness and the feelings of being lonely. But I can choose to do something about these feelings instead of wallowing in them.
- When I am feeling lonely being online makes it worse… its better for me to go out, find something else to do, get offline and try to make better connections when things feel that terrible.
- Sometimes its just as good to put on a girly movie and just cry it out. At least that leaves you emotionally exhausted which will make it easier for you to sleep.
- I should have gone to the gym, but for the fact that TheEx needed to pick up something for GirlChild that she had forgotten I would have.
- I should probably remember to eat at least one meal a day… because I feel worse when my blood sugar is low. I suspect THIS one will be the hardest for me to do, because I find that when I am alone I don’t feel like cooking (because after all, there are so many dishes generated for one and I don’t really feel HUNGRY!) but I think its important for me to realize that I need to take care of myself.
- NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME, I AM TRUELY ALL I HAVE.
- Its okay to feel lonely, but its also okay to reach out to other people to help when you can. It’s not weak to admit that sometimes, even though you are used to it, even though you know this is most likely the way things are meant to be, you do need to be around other people.
- Shopping does NOT fill up the loneliness… its just depletes the bank account.
- Men and women communicate differently… when men are secure they stop wanting to talk to you as much, and although it really hurts that’s just how it is… I guess if you need that level of communication constantly its best not to ever settle in a relationship
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THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
That last point is totally true. We’re communications camels.
All you can do is to try to teach him what you need. The tricky part is making him understand that you’re not complaining, just asking for what you need. It’s tricky.
So go slow.