Jan 27
This weekend I made the leap to go out to RGG’s for the weekend to hang with him and his girls.
This is a big step for me, because I have this “issue” with spaces, particularly spaces that are not in any way mine. I could give reasons of why I feel the way I feel, or examples… but I’m not gonna.
I’ll just leave it as I tend to not be comfortable in other people’s homes until I spend a certain amount of time there, and even then I am always consciously aware of anything I do there because its not really a space I belong to.
Sleeping is almost impossible for me in places that are not “mine” (and by that I would define as my home or the home of family members… people who are “mine”)….
But because I am really wanting to spend a LOT more time with RGG (and his kids) and I am SERIOUS about this man, so part of that is getting more comfortable in his home and getting better sleeping over.
Only…
This is actually the FIRST time I have slept over there and so I felt a bit of pressure (from MYSELF, not from him) to try and get comfortable enough to sleep, and it just didn’t work very well.
For a first time it was actually not bad. And if he reads this I’m sure RGG would laugh about that, but the fact is that I am not particularly uneasy about not getting much sleep, and the fact that I was able to join with him and assist with the daily duties in the home helped me feel like I was at least not in the way (laugh)….
This spacial comfort thing is hard for me… and its not something that someone can really understand very well…
I am a naturally anxious person. This is a statement of fact. I have suffered from panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder since I was about 11 years old.
Over the years I have learned to adapt without the use of medication.
Medication doesn’t help me learn to deal with it, it just masks the symptoms and doesn’t allow me to deal with the underlying issues. And I hate dealing with the side-effects of medications and the feeling of being dampered.
For years (from 1995-2007) I had the panic attacks mostly under control, I had methods to deal with them and things that helped prevent them (without being avoidant) and ways to calm down quickly when something started up. During that time I had about one attack every 6 months.
And then I left my ex and they started up full force.
I blame stress. I blame the fact that I was unable to know what was going to happen, that things were going so slowly and that things were both imploding and exploding at the same time. I blame the fact that I wasn’t getting any answers, that I wasn’t getting anywhere, that I was scared all the time and alone and unsure where to turn.
But basically the attacks started up again and haven’t let off.
Now I have about one a week… more if I am feeling extra scared about something like I have been lately.
What is scaring me?
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contemplation of bankruptcy - Now, I know that the likihood of this is 8 months down the road, but I have worked SO hard in the last 20 months to get myself in good financial order. But… because my lawyer wasn’t effective, and because TheEX is not good with not spending money on every goddamned thing he sees, I am now on the hook for the debts HE incurred. And while I know that bankruptcy is not the end of the world, but it is the end to a bunch of my dreams and goals…
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owning a home of my own
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being debt free — while TheEX will walk away debt free (for sure), I will still have to take on my student loans, even though they are currently considered “marital”… and will have $14K in debts AFTER bankruptcy
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it will ruin any hopes of entering another serious relationship
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Stalker– the last email that I got from the Stalker promised that he would continue to call me or email me every 2 weeks. That would be approximately today. It will be then that he realizes (if he tries to phone again) that my phone number is no longer in order. And that might cause him to panic (since he still thinks he needs to take care of me) and come over to check on me. This is why I now have a chain on my door.
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finances – Right now I have savings. But my child support and child tax benefit payments are being reduced as of the end of the month, which means that I need to be more and more aware of my budget.
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associated with my budget is the fact that I have to do taxes soon, and I do not feel confident doing them myself. I could get TheEx to do them on his software, I mean, he might be a fuckup but he’s an honest one… or I might try them on MY own software. But the simple fact of the matter is that I cannot figure out on my own, without a number, what I have to claim as “income” for spousal support (I’m only claiming May through December, because until May it was part of retroactive child support)
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my apartment – right now things are in such a state of disarray that I feel under PRESSURE whenever I am in the place. i know that its my fault, and that means this week I HAVE to get working on it. And I planned to, but I also didn’t take into account that I would be going out to RGG’s FRIDAY night instead of Saturday afternoon (and I am glad that I did, because poor RGG started to come down with something on Saturday evening and I might not have come out if he hadn’t been feeling well (who am I kidding, I totally would have anyway… I’d have wanted to take care of him) but it meant we had a night and a day before he fell sick together)…
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So this week my project is to clean as much as I need to to get things in a better order. Tonight I am going to the Salvation Army and Value Village to see if either place has a cheap dresser I can pick up (and then I can arrange a guy from work to help me get it into my room) so I can finally deal with my bedroom.
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Basically, in the last week my mind has just been racing, trying to figure out what I can and cannot control, and that has affected my sleeping patterns, which I then, unfortunately messed with a bit more because I went out to visit RGG (and caused HIM not to get adequate sleep, and now the poor sweetie is ill) and the newness of the situation made it even harder to sleep.
So… what can I do about this?
My anxiety is getting the better of me, and I know from experience that this will get better in time, as things settle down more and become certainty (either I will be forced to declare bankrupcy or the house will sell… ) and I have to deal with them. Dealing with a situation is way easier than contemplating things… I know this (intellectually) but yet I continue to worry.
So… the plan of attack for me in this situation/Pam’s Life Lessons:
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take control of the things that are under my control:
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declutter the house
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set a budget and stick to it
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manage my spending habits and work on controlling the emotional spending habits that I have fallen into
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meal plans and lessening the eating out
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if need be have H&R Block deal with taxes for me
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It is best to not contemplate the worst in any situation, especially when there is nothing that can be directly done in the situation.
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caffeine does NOT help a stressful situation at all… I think that it might be a healthy choice for me to start weaning off caffeine after noon and then potentially altogether.
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make the best of what I can do with what I have.
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remember that even the worst outcome (bankruptcy in this case) might hold unexpected lessons and blessings. And even a bankruptcy isn’t forever.
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in the situation that I am in, it is unlikely that I will be blamed for any bankruptcy (as I have kept my bills up to date, paid all my taxes, maintained my home and vehicle, took care of my children and myself, and haven’t been a wild spender for the most part) and that as such I may not get the label of “irresponsible” — and it may not ruin any hope for a future relationship or home for myself.
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I do not need a lot to survive, I make enough to get by and save a bit, and I can make it through.
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When the kinds of anxious/panicky feelings happen it is best to step aside from the situation, chill the hell out and do the things that I know I need to do to calm down:
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if I’m having trouble breathing, take my inhaler and don’t put it off because its embarassing
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drink water, slowly
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deep breathing exercises
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if I’m worrying about something, take 10-20 minutes to sit down and write out all the things that are bothering me and then set them aside for later
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meditate
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go for a short walk or drive and listen to music
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I know that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for, and that means that I can make it through if I just keep focused on what I need to do and not worry about the things that are not immediate concerns.
A friend of mine just emailed me one of your articles from a while back. I read that one a few more. Really enjoy your blog. Thanks
I very much like your life lessons section.