I am feeling better now.
January29
I am feeling better now.
I don’t know why I can’t panic silently… I really should just hide in my closet until my freak out is completed and THEN talk to other human beings.
I guess I seek out comfort from other people by being told I am acting crazy.
Sometimes I need that little, “hey, girl you are losing it! Get a grip.” thing from a friend or two.
I am over the panic over the future for now. I have decided to accept:
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TheEx is an ass. He has a spending habit and that will likely never change. I could have gotten out earlier, I could have tried to stick it out for longer, but either way his spending would have dragged me down when I made the move to leave him.
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Stalker is childish. I do not have to get down to his level, and I do not owe him anything more than I have given him. If he wants to continue to push and pursue a friendship that I am not comfortable with, I will continue to defend myself.
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I will be divorced before I am 35. I am sure that is bound to be both depressing as well as exhilarating. While I am glad that I will no longer be tied to TheEx, I never expected that I would be 35 and single, and I am really worried that BECAUSE I will be 35 this year I am pretty much going to be single for the rest of my life. Most of the time I am good with that, sometimes I wish that I could be part of a family again (just not with Stalker or TheEx)… but I’m not into rushing things anymore
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RGG and I are at the stage when communication drops off drastically. While I worry about this, because this really is a long-distance relationship (if only a 45 minute drive between us, because of my parenting arrangement with TheEx and him having custody of his girls, we don’t have the opportunity to actually spend too much time together during the weeks) it doesn’t seem to worry RGG at all. Right now I have decided that it isn’t worth really putting too much energy into worrying about, RGG says he’s not planning on going anywhere, and I’m sure he’d tell me if he’d rather date a blonde (laugh) or wants something or someone else. And I am sure that if the strain becomes too much we’ll either communicate more or things will end. No use worrying too much while things are good. I have survived having my heart broken before.
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I can’t know what will happen in July. I can only prepare the best I can for the financial future I will have and tighten up my budget now. I can prepare for the RRSP roll over situation, I can get more RRSPs to reduce my taxes, and I can hunker down for the worst… Or I can live simply and happily, keep a budget and weather the storm in the end. As various people have told me (and more than I thought have gone through this kind of thing) it will NOT be the end of the world…
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my biggest worry about the whole potential bankruptcy thing is the fear of being alone. Its a big one as I approach the big 3-5 this year. I have walked away from a family life, and as someone who is in that is a 35 year old female, statistically the chances of me ever really living with someone or remarrying are lowered significantly because of my “advanced age”, and adding a being a financial disaster to the list makes it even harder
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I am accepting that I am alone in my life. I know that I have RGG and I have friends, but for the majority of the time I am a single solitary person, and at the end of most days I am alone and I can’t rely on anyone else to help me. I have to learn to be stronger, not to freak out, to do things alone, and to not plan too far ahead. I love RGG, and I have a good feeling that he’ll be in my life for a good long time, but right now its too new and uncertain to lean on him too much.
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I am going to get a passport. I have been putting off this goal for YEARS, and I need to just bite the bullet and DO it. I know the only issue right now is getting someone as a guarentor… well… that and not knowing what name I am allowed to use.
The last few days have been… well… kinda an emotional disaster. I had a good weekend with RGG and his girls, but I was a bit upset over some of the things that had been going on in my life between me and TheEx, my legal issues, and the Stalker that I had been afraid to talk to RGG about (still really haven’t because he isn’t terribly interested) so I had been trying to handle them alone. And… everything caught up to me all of a sudden when the kids went to their father’s house.
Too much caffeine, an emotional dam bursting, and feeling very unsure about my current relationship with RGG (the “love” thing is a bit new for me) this weekend and I didn’t do so well over the weekend sleeping. Again… that created a lot of problems.
And so I have endeavored to cut back on my caffeine intake during the days… and monitor my sugar intake at night. And so far (other than a headache yesterday) things have started to normalize.
I am no longer really worried about losing touch with RGG, because we have been spending a good amount of time together on weekends for the last while. Its been good. He’s gonna get sick of me soon, but for now things are good.
I am no longer really worried about bankruptcy, because it will happen as it happens and I know that even if I am alone in my life I am a stronger person than I was when I was married to TheEx, I prepared for a life where I would be alone, and I know that I can make it through.
I have been sleeping better since I made these realizations. I have been out to visit RGG and I was able to sleep well beside him as well (laugh) and so I think that we’re good for now.
I am really hoping to see him again on the weekend, but he’s been kinda iffy about that and so I’m waiting and not setting anything in stone either. I’m good at that… I’m really good at pulling back and waiting things out, or moving on if need be.
After all… SOMEONE (who isn’t ME) signed me up for eHarmony… apparently I have OPTIONS (laugh) if what I want is to get married again some day.
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