Maintaining ME
February2
Maintanance
Do men prefer to date high maintanance women?
It really seems so sometimes.
I have a confession to make here: I am a low maintanance woman. My friends might actually argue that I am beyond the scope of “low maintanance” in that I will do anything not to be noticably in need of ANYTHING from ANYONE (a point that has, on occasion done more damage than it helped in the relationship).
I’m not entirely sure of the correct balance here. I am not a super girly girl:
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I don’t like pinks and purples and pastels, preferring instead greens and blues
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I don’t scream when I see a spider or a snake or a frog, in fact, I quite LIKE frogs
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I don’t mind getting dirty, as long as it doesn’t involve touching raw meat
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I don’t spend hours on my makeup and hair
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I don’t spend a lot of MONEY on my hair, make up, or clothes
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I don’t throw fits if things are not ”just so”
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I don’t ask for a lot of expensive things, preferring simple to fancy
I am self-sufficient. I don’t require a lot of feeding and watering, literally sometimes, for me to keep on going.
But there is more to something than just endlessly plodding ahead too. Just because I can get along without a lot of attention and care doesn’t mean that I am SATISFIED with the bare minimums required to achieve existance…
I KNOW that I can meet my own survival needs. That is a simple statement of fact. I am able to pay for my shelter, food, heat, and water. I earn enough to ensure that I don’t need to rely on the government or another person for the basics I need to keep myself and my children fed, clothed and sheltered. I do not need another person to help.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t need other people.
The problem is that I am not the kind of girl that does a lot of attention seeking behaviours. And I think that sometimes this does keep me from asking for help when I really need it.
I don’t do tears very often, and when I do I prefer NOT for it to become a big production. I don’t want to become the kind of person that uses tears or tantrums to get someone to pay attention to her…
I want to be the kind of person that people pay attention to because they really CARE.
My issue has been that men are not mind readers (neither are most women, for that matter) and so that there are times when I need something from someone else, and usually someone fairly important to me.
So how does one go about asking for attention in a way that is non-negative, and which will not result in the other thinking that you’re higher maintainance than you are?
For the most part, my needs are very simply this:
I need to know that someone is OUT THERE and that I really am not as alone as I feel.
As I said, I know I can take care of my own material needs. I don’t want or need to impose on anyone for material things.
Heck, I’m not really a “material girl”… I like simple things.
What I really want in life is a life partner, someone to create a “family” with, to live with, love, and where we support each other. I want a busy life, with kids and animals and activities and stresses and things like that. And so when I don’t have my kids I feel the lack of continuity in my life, the lack of “family” structure that I have sought out for so long…
And its nice to know that there is someone else out there, somewhere, anywhere…
I don’t need a live-in right now. I don’t need or WANT a marriage proposal or a stated SET-in-STONE, official type committed relationship. I am not ready for that yet, I don’t want to rush into ANYTHING yet…
I just want to know that I am NOT as alone as I feel.
Because feeling alone is HARD.
This weekend was pretty hard for me. I am still getting used to having the kids with TheEx for 2 weeks at a time, and by the end of the first week I am just…
Lonely. REALLY REALLY LONELY.
I miss having them wake me up in the morning. I miss having them argue over things. I miss the sticky fingerprints and the globs of kid toothpaste all over the bathroom and tripping over toys and tryign to get them to eat things for me and having someone THERE to take care of.
I had RGG. I had his girls. And it filled up some of the empty spaces.
But it can’t really fill up the emptiness entirely. I am missing a part of my essence of my IDENTITY as a person. For almost 9 years I have been a mother, someone that takes care of other people as my primary function, who’s whole life is making things right and better for my progeny.
Its unfair that just because I was unhappy with TheEx I have to have my kids ripped out of my life half the time. To lose my sense of who and what I am 50% of the time just to soothe his conscience about not being a good husband and an absentee father while he was married to me.
But I know I have to endure this…
Alone.
With the help of a few friends…
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