Feb 03
Update a little late…
I know, I try to do the update so it shows up on friday or saturday, so I can start my week off fresh on monday, but this week it just didn’t happen. Oops…
And you know what?
I’m good with that.
So… how about last week?
Not so wonderful points in my life:
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I’d had a rough weekend with RGG, which resulted in RGG getting sick just as I was leaving him alone for the night. I really felt bad, even looking back on it, because I should have just taken care of him that night and helped him out. But in the end maybe it was a good thing to let things go for a bit.
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Worrying too much about communication issues with RGG. I’m still getting used to communicating more in person with RGG and less over the computer, and with the feelings of intense loneliness I have been feeling lately, I was overly stressed out over not being able to talk to RGG online most of the week (what with him being sick Sunday and Monday nights, focused on his video game Tuesday and Thursday nights). I do think that I have worked that out in my mind (where it really NEEDS to be adjusted) now, though,
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Legal issues. The ongoing saga of my divorce (and its almost completion) has really wrung me out lately. Last week I had to talk to my legal advisor/lawyer person 4 times on the phone, which interrupted by work day several times and served to stress me out A LOT. It got to the point on Wednesday that I had to leave work early because I started to get a stress headache and just couldn’t deal with it anymore.
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having been served with a bill for my legal assistance I am concerned about paying it out versus putting money aside right now and the pressure to get this all completed
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having my lawyer tell me all the horrible things that will happen this summer (ie, if the house doesn’t sell) and what I can look forward to in a bankruptcy
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Stress headache. Having to leave work early to lay down because of a stress headache wasn’t good, to say the least. I have managed to get it down to a tolerable level now, but my neck and upper back are STILL aching terribly and I am not the kind of person who likes to take drugs of ANY kind… I MIGHT need to find a new way to relax soon.
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Panic attacks. I have had a few panic attacks when I am alone at night. This is unusual for me, at least it has been for a long time, because I am more used to being alone than I am at being with another person. But not having my kids around makes it harder, and feeling a bit on edge because I expect, at any moment, the Stalker to come over and confront me again, makes it harder for me to relax at night. I do have a dead bolt and RGG installed a door chain so I do have a measure of safety. I do still kind of have the nagging concern that I will get home one day and either find him there or a note from him there…
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Waiting for things from the bank. I had to find an alternate way to pay my rent this month, because despite having ordered new cheques from the bank in the first week of January, they are still not here at the beginning of February. I need to pay my daycare for January… and I need a reciept for BOTH daycares so I can do taxes.
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Taxes coming up. This scares the ever-loving-crap out of me. I seriously do NOT know how I am going to get these done and NOT have to pay a huge fee.
Good things about my week:
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RGG. Seriously, even if things are not exactly perfect in the world, I feel so much HAPPIER and blessed to have RGG in my life. It sounds cheesy and mooshy and really silly, but he really is so good for me. I have never met anyone quite like RGG in my life: he has the ability to make me feel warm and tender and loving towards him even when he’s upset with me, he makes me feel beautiful and desireable, he makes me want to touch and kiss and feel him, he makes me feel safe and comforted even when I am far away from him.
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I don’t feel like a CHILD with him, and I don’t feel like I am there to just stroke his ego (or other parts) by needing him. I really feel like we are starting to create a good healthy relationship.
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Spending time with a great man. Yes, this is related to RGG, but at the same time I am really happy about having the opportunity to spend the last 3 weekends with RGG, and being able to go out to his house on Wednesday when i was really feeling lonely and needy. It was particularly nice to have him at my place part of the weekend and then to go out to his place to watch the superbowl… and that he didn’t seem at all phased at the sudden realization (on my part) that I missed my kids and that I felt VERY alone.
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Becoming more comfortable in my relationship. Yes, more gooshy stuff about my relationship… This weekend worked out a lot of the lingering sense of discomfort with communication and what we both wanted out of this… which is really good. I was able to sleep next to him without issues, both at my house and at his house!! This is good, because its a break through for my sense of space issues.
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Clean house. Or mostly clean house, anyway, and a continued plan of attack. I have been decluttering, dejunking and just generally getting my place in better order over the week (when I haven’t been feeling sad and lonely or out at RGG’s place) and things in my house are starting to look and FEEL a lot better. I think that letting go of a lot of the old stuff has definately been helping my sense of my own self and my own space. It has been a long time coming, but I feel like I am coming into my own and really starting to find out WHO I am now in relation to all the detritus that has followed me through the years.
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I have been changing and growing and I am ready to really explore who it is that I am now — not necessarily trying to force myself into the mold left behind in the past.
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I am freeing myself to let go of things that I no longer need, no longer want, and have no use for… but that I have held onto because of guilt or some other misplaced sense of duty. It has helped a LOT.
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Music. Sometimes its just good to turn on music and dance around (and clean the house) and let things go and flow through you. I have been listening to a lot of musics lately and I am starting to find more and more new artists and styles I like for different moods.
So… yeah… this weekend was a mixed bag. I had RGG and his girls over Friday night and Saturday through to Sunday morning, and that was good because I didn’t feel alone. There were stressful times for both RGG and I, but I feel good in that we were able to start to communicate with each other better and I started to feel a lot better about the “us” we are creating, and more settled in the feeling of being in love and loving and being LOVED by RGG… its still so new that I am amazed by it.
I like this guy… just saying 
If you have an unwanted visitor, call the police. If you’re feeling generous, warn the person. But you don’t have to be. You have the right to feel safe.