Feb 04
What can I say?
I’m going to be divorced soon.
Can I just say “yay”?
Seriously, I am I RELIEVED that I will soon no longer be legally TheEx’s “wife”, that I will no longer to legally tied to him or be pushed into things because he thinks they are right or a good idea or just because he wants to.
I know I will have him in my life for a good long time, because of the kids… but I am happy that I will not be his any longer.
Maybe my marriage was a disaster.
Maybe I shouldn’t have married the first guy who asked me, rushing into something I didn’t understand with a man who had no intention of being able to be a MAN — who could make money but could not emotionally support his wife when she needed help, who could not talk to her or make her part of his life, and who wanted more than anything to retreat into tv and movies and video games and music and everything ELSE but real life — because he had no experience with the world.
But I have 2 lovely children out of the marriage.
And now it is almost completely done and over with.
Part of me is left feeling ”now what?”…
This is not how I envisioned my life would be, after all. I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking that they are going to walk out of it willy-nilly. But I know I couldn’t stay.
I miss having a person to go home to, though. I would have LOVED to have had that when I was married too, I would have loved to have had a partnership with someone. Now I don’t have anyone half the time, I don’t even have my kids.
I am fully aware that the chances are better than average that I will NEVER have that now.
Most of the time I am good with that.
But there are times I worry that I have given up my only chance(s) at happiness — by walking away from TheEx and rejecting the Stalker — and that I will never have the opportunity to create that wonderful family life with someone.
Neither of these men were truely right for me… trying to make a life with them would never have worked out in the end, I know this…
I won’t lie, I would like to get married again, or even live with someone again… but I am not going to make that a be-all-and-end-all goal for my life either. I will hope to fall in love again (I have) and I will hope that things will develop into a serious relationship. But I will not EVER force things into a mold that they are not meant to be in — I will not request or require cohabitation or marriage, that will never be a criteria for me walking away from a relationship.
I accept that as a woman soon to be 35, divorced, single parent I am not exactly “marriage material” anymore.
I accept that most men don’t want to be “trapped” into serious relationships either.
Add those 2 factors together and I know better than to expect a “happily-ever-after” situation in my lifetime.
I’m not a princess… I’m not a “prize”… I’m a person… and I’m flawed enough to know that I might not be able to find anyone willing to love me again…
I can accept that as a fact.
But I won’t stop trying for love… no one can take that away from me.
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