Feb 07
Even thought I have fallen short on some of my goals for the week…
So… the not so great things going on around my life:
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Miscommunication issue or at the very least missed communication. I am finding the transition between talking to RGG online a lot to talking mostly in person to be more difficult than it should be. This is accerbated by the fact that I have been having issues with the MSN program as well. It lead to a very unsettling night wednesday night when I wasn’t sure if what RGG wanted was a “break” from chatting online or just for me to stop bothering him in all formats. I solved the problem by just not reacting to it at all (rather than calling in a stupid panic like girls are wont to do) and decided that i hadn’t talked to Serin in a long time and that I should focus on reconnecting with my friend instead of freaking out about something silly (again).
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I have got to make time to sit quietly and examine what it is that I need, in terms of communication, to make me feel secure and comfortable with not only RGG but my friends in general. I have a set system of communication patterns that have worked in the past, but have been slowly expanding and shifting, and I need to map out how this all works and who I call when and why and where and how often.
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Rationally I know that I don’t need to talk to RGG as much as I have been, that we now lead very separate lives and that fact is likely never going to change. I trust that when I don’t see him online he’s likely playing his game, and that if I really want to get a hold of him I can try text and if he doesn’t answer he’s playing his game (laugh) and that at the point I know whether to try to call him or not (I don’t think he’d answer the phone if he’s busy playing his game). And honestly, even if it is an “emergency” I know that:
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I am an adult and therefore perfectly capable of handling things myself even if I feel shaky doing so
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I have several other people that I can be sure I would NOT be interrupting, should I really feel the need to talk to someone
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He would likely call me back if I left a message asking him to…
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I can vouch for the relative importance of situations well enough to know what warrents attempting to interrupt him
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This gives me a great opportunity to keep in touch with other friends and not do the “I’ve got a new man” disappearing act that so many women do (and which I am sure I have already done a bit).
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eHarmony. Seriously… every morning I have been finding 6-10 “matches” or requests for communication from a “match” at eHarmony. The weird thing is that *I* didn’t sign up for eHarmony myself (well, I tried 6 months ago, but since i was listed as “separated” I got booted to a marriage “strengthening” site instead”) and so to suddenly get matches in my email is a bit strange to me. Did they get rid of their “marriage strengthening” site and therefore suddenly released my profile to the general eHarmony site? Is someone trying to get me to break up with RGG? What is going on here? I am not sure how to react to this. I have to admit I am CURIOUS about this and why it is showing up NOW, when I’m starting to worry more about things… but not curious enough to actually start checking out other men or responding to things. I think that’s what the Stalker would ultimately LIKE me to do…
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Missing the kids. I have to admit, this week has been harder for me than last week was. I am not used to being ripped out of my kids’ lives so much, and I am finding the 2 week schedule VERY VERY hard to deal with. It hit me REALLY hard on Sunday night (for months that was the time they would return to my home) as I have already mentioned. The feeling of being just very ALONE in the world have been with me all week, even the nights I was with RGG and his girls… its not something I can fully EXPLAIN, because I know I am not as alone as I feel… but its there dragging at my soul. I don’t really BELONG with RGG (yet), and someone (TheEx) has taken a huge part of my identity and soul from me for a long period of time.
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When I don’t have the kids what AM I? Am I still a “single mother of 2″? Am I just some crazy lady who cries when someone else’s kids remind her that she doesn’t have her kids with her? Am I just a woman?
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It makes me want to have more kids. It makes me want to get married and have a real life and a real family again.
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So…really, the biggest thing in my life right now is just feeling ALONE, completely and utterly ALONE – not feeling correct in reaching out to my man, not feeling altogether secure in my relationship with my man right now, feeling insecure with the number of odd emails coming in, and just not knowing where in the universe I fit with regards to kids and family, and really REALLY at odds with the sudden realization that after the horrible marriage I went through with TheEx, I really still BELIEVE in love and marriage and might actually WANT a long-term COMMITTED and offically sanctioned type relationship again…
How SCARY!!!
But there have been GOOD things too!!
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RGG… of course. Despite my feelings (and I am fully admitting that 100% of the issues that I’m having are all internal to ME and have nothing to do with anything that he is doing or NOT doing) of concern over communication this past week, he’s been supremely supportive and gentle with me, and more than willing to work WITH me to help me be comfortable. This is why I love this boy (laugh). I know that most of the time, if I made the effort to reach out to him, he’d be there. That’s a sacred trust, and so I try to make sure that I don’t abuse that priviledge by interrupting things that are important to him (ie, video games, movies, tv shows, sports events) very often. Even when I do (call and interrupt something) he is always more than willing to talk. And so I have been trying to ensure that I don’t really get clingy and whiney and attention seeking by writing out my issues HERE rather than trying to talk them out to him when I realize that they are not issues as much as misinterpretations or just overreacting to another situation (ie, missing my kids or hormones).
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Music/Song/Dance/Spirit. The nights that I am alone an feeling very lonely, I have been filling myself and my soul with music and reconnecting to my spirit and my higher feelings. I have been realizing a lot about myself, my life, and my situation(s) in these times. I have found places where I am holding myself back, places where I allow my fears to keep me from moving forward and being happy (like the communications block issue), and blocks that i have put in my own way to keep me from realizing AND ADMITTING what I want in my life. And I am determined to get past these issues.
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I now realize that I want:
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To travel, so I need to get my passport application completed and signed (preferrably by C or my mother) and sent off. I have complicated this process by not knowing which name I am allowed to use, and what I need to have as back up in order to get my maiden name on my passport.
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To change my last name BACK to my maiden name. While I realize it would be easier for the kids if my last name was the same as theirs, I just do not feel the need to be tied to their father through HIS name any longer. I had misgivings about taking his name right from the beginning, and now I want to have MY name back. I realize that I may change my name again, if I do marry… and somehow I am good with that.
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To own my own home. I don’t want to rent any longer than I have to. I don’t want to have to pour my money into a place where I share space with people who do not respect the fact that I have to live under them. I want to live in a place where I can fix things up, paint things colours, or buy appliances that I like that work for me. I don’t want to feel trapped under someone else forever… I want to paint and decorate. I want new appliances rather than second and third hand stuff… And I realize it might be a dream, but its a dream I know I can achieve.
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To belong to someone again. I know better than to focus on where things are going and what means what. It would be nice to have security, but that takes time to foster and I don’t expect it to happen over night. I am committing, to myself, to work on developing good, HEALTHY, relationships and seeing where they go from there, not rushing into something out of desperation. But I have to be honest, I’d like to live with someone or get married again, and I can no longer deny that. Knowing that was what put the nail in the coffin of the relationship with the Stalker, after all…
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To grow. I need to start working on being more myself, I have been putting too much time, energy and thought into being who I think other people want me to be, and that doesn’t work for anyone at all. I need to start being more creative, being more out there, making friends and learning new things. I am going to work towards getting into a Masters Program eventually. I am working on making sure that I am healthy and can enter into healthy relationships.
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Knowing who I am and why I feel the way I feel. I have spent a great deal of time (thank you mr blog) exploring what I feel and think and why I am thinking and feeling these things. This has helped stop me on more than one occasion, from overreacting to a situation when I am tired, anxious, stressed out, hormonal, or just not thinking logically about what is going on in my emotional state. Lately I have been through the wringer with the divorce, and so I know that that will lead me to misunderstand how I feel about my relationship with RGG… and having this information is emininently USEFUL in preventing RGG from knowing I’m being silly and overreacting– because I don’t take my concerns to HIM until I know if they have ANYTHING to do, directly, with him. It also helps me NOT react to TheEx or the Stalker when they try to get a reaction.
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Cleaner house. I have decluttered A LOT in the last few weeks and it has improved my mood and how I feel about my situation and my “home”. I can’t do anything about the noise from the upstairs neighbors, but I can simplify my life and make sure that things are good. I have to confess: I never did get around to the kids’ toys (laugh) but I will do that eventually.
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Budget and concept of what I am going to do, financially (for the time being). Which gives me a bit of relief in the “what the hell will happen in July” type scenario…
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Spending time with my man during the week. If I can’t be with my kids, the next best thing has been being able to go out and visit my man and spend time with him and his daughters. While I would ultimately like to spend time all together, I understand that my situation does not always allow this, and so being able to retreat into RGG’s arms sometimes really helps, and being able to help him sometimes helps ME too… As such I am still trying to maintain a certain sense of balance in rough times…
Don’t want to lose a good man…
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