shh…

 

Its relatively quiet in my office today.

 

My manager is talking on the phone.

 

My coworker is typing away in his office, and for once not grumbling to himself about something.

 

The site superintendent is talking to the men in the back.

 

And I’m slowly going through the huge collection of paperwork on my desk.

 

Sometimes my job sucks. I mean, I am GLAD to have the job, and the flexibility that I am given here… but the fact of the matter is that while my job is frustrating it isn’t exactly challenging, and its DEFINATELY not what I went to school for.

 

I have 2 degrees, and while that sounds impressive to some, the fact of the matter is that I put my family before my career, and now I am basically an office administrator in a small office branch of a large company — stuck in a job where I can’t move up and there is very little personal development available, and I am totally capped at what I can earn.

 

Its frustrating at times. Well… a LOT of times.

 

I don’t want to risk losing my job, not with the economy being bad and my divorce going wonky and having to support myself and my children alone. I need to have the security that this job offers me, and the flexibility that I have here because I work in a small office with people who know me well enough to care about my personally.

 

But I am also needing a challenge.

 

For the last few months my dreams have started to fall down around my head. This is not news, nor is it particularly unusual as it seems to be happening to a number of other people at this time as well.

 

My Ex could have sold our house EASILY a year ago, when the market was up and houses were still selling like mad. He could have swallowed his pride and dealt with the situation at that time, rather than desperately clinging to the belief that he could keep the house and not pay me out or get out of debt without it.

 

Instead he waited until the market in the US tanked and Canadians were starting to feel the panic rising up from their southern neighbors. And even THEN, he had offers he didn’t take. And he wanted to avoid the realtor at first, and then went away for MOST of the first month he attempted to sell the home (which he says he didn’t do, but he went camping with the kids for a week, took them out of the city for a few days, and then went to a “training” session in Toronto for a week during the first month he was trying to sell the house)…

 

So now, instead of us being able to see a clear path out of the debts he has pushed us into with his spending habits, instead of the cleared debts that came from refinancing he waited and spent money on himself and his girlfriends and his vehicle… and now instead of being in the sitatuion that the refinance was supposed to give us (minimal debts) we are facing HUGE CRUSHING debt if the house doesn’t sell.

 

And his greed prevented him from taking an offer that would have allowed us out of debt even though it didn’t allow us any left over funds afterwards.

 

And with every selfish step he has taken in the years I have known him, I have lost more and more of my dreams, until the last dreams have been extinguished (for now).

 

I used to dream of travelling, and he promised to go with me when we met. But in the end HE travelled and I stayed home with the kids. I saved money to travel and he found it and spent it over and over. I went to Toronto ALONE… But the promises to go to Europe vanished over and over… and now they have been put off for good.

 

I used to dream of owning a home of my own, but his selfishness in spending has caused so much financial strife that it will be a VERY long time before I will be able to afford the downpayment on even a small home of my own. He took the dream from me, but I will get it back.

 

I used to dream, like many young women, of a family — a husband, wife and kids. I dreamed of a life where I had someone, even multiple someones, to come home to at night, where I had other people to cook for and hold onto at night. What I had was very much LESS than that, with a husband who was at the least physically out of my life for 50% of the time, and emotionally COMPLETELY missing from the lives of his family. Now I have been left with the remains of being ignored and tossed aside, have had my kids ripped out of my life for 50% of the time, and am more alone than I ever expected. I don’t know if I can get to that place now, I don’t know if that place EXISTS.

 

And now my dreams are different. I think that I haven’t completely LOST them, just that I have a hard time finding a way to adapt them to the way things are NOW…