Feb 13
For the first few months after I realized that there were other people who felt the “prescence” in the forests and trees, communed with the natural world, and seriously felt a spiritual connection to nature… I started reading. Voraciously (or more voraciously than I had previously).
But I read a lot, and I explored a lot, and I took a lot of time out to think and feel and experience what it was that I was needing from my spirituality and what I was getting from this new realization that there was a path out there where I could find what I needed FOR MYSELF without needing to beg others for information of the deeper mysteries, where my experiences were just as valid and powerful as they felt, and in which I would not be forced or expected to promote a certian idea or moral code or push anything onto ANYONE ELSE…
It was good…
I made my official break from the confines of Christianity with very little pomp and circumstance and no screaming, fighting or gnashing of teeth, and absolutely no drama whatsoever from ANYONE (least of all me). My parents, having no real religious dedication themselves, were not at all unhappy that I had walked away from the church. My friends were of the belief that either I was meant to be this way, or there was little use in badgering me about my choices, and were pretty happy to live and let live (on both sides of the fence).
And so I set off walking down my Path.
And I was happily reading and exploring and experiencing and engaging in conversation and community with other Pagans. I identified myself as an Ecclectic Solitary Wiccan — not a Pagan, not a Witch, but a Wiccan. And that was perfectly acceptable then… there were those who had issue with the term “Wiccan” then, but it was more because they saw the term as deeply entrenched in the “fluffy bunny” stage of spiritual growth and not because, as it tends to happen today, the term has been dedicated to a certain segment of the Pagan Witchcraft community.
I was accepted as a Wiccan. I studied what I could, experienced what I could, and had dedicated myself to deep and further ongoing studies. I had determined after a year and a half that I wanted to honour my Gods on this path, and so like many a good and honest others who had no access to formal training, I stood before myself and my Gods and formally stated that I was a Witch.
Where I was naive
Because I had had such an easy transition to my new religious path, because I didn’t get the shame and fear and horrified reactions to it when I made the announcements initially, I believed that doing what was right and best for myself would not be barred.
I was wrong.
A few years after I had started out as a Wiccan I met the person who will soon be my ex-husband. I was very up front with him, letting him know right away that I was not Christian and I was not interested in being converted, but that if that was okay we could try it out. He was intrigued enough to start dating me, but not honest enough to let me know what his family situation was.
His father is a fundamentalist (pentecostal, “fall on the floor twitching, speaking in tongues, flame of the holy spirit”, holy roller) christian minister.
It was pretty evident, by the time we were engaged, that my spirituality was certainly NOT going to be “okay” with the in-laws, that living together was bad enough , but that theEx was sufficiently uncomfortable with anything “different” being viewed by his family that all spiritual belongings had to be hidden away. And it wasn’t just COMMON areas of the home that things had to be hidden from view, things had to be locked up tight in case anyone went into the closet or bedroom looking for something and accidentally came across something that they might potentially not completely agree with.
I conceeded.
For whatever reason I had, I went along with the requirement that, if I lived with him, I had to hide all aspects of my religious leanings, never question his father, never let anyone know that I was Pagan, and keep all my books and things safely stored away. He grew ever more uncomfortable with the things that I used to express my spirituality, the community of like minded people that I went to seasonal celebrations with, the jewlry I wore, the words I used, the books I wrote in, and even the crafts that I did…
It was an ever enclosing circle, but not in a good way.
I realized, maybe too late, maybe just in time, that he was mortified by the thing that he had actually admired (or so he said) of me, that I had had the ability to step beyond my parents to determine what I really felt, thought, and believed. But in the end, how strong was I, since I allowed my husband to take and lock that away from me…
When we had our son it was very evident that theEx was still stuck in the cycle of trying to gain his father’s respect, and that I was nothing more than a pawn in that game — my religion was an embarassment, because in the end theEx wanted a woman to marry and have kids with, he wanted to prove to his father that he was a grown up.
My religion was an embarassing secret from the moment my children were born, and served as a way to keep me in line until I had decided that enough was enough.
When I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, I walked out.
Let’s be clear, though. My leaving theEx was not 100% about me feeling a lacking spiritually. What it was about was a lack of support, connection, and quality time spent together. It was about the pervasive feeling that theEx cared more about how he looked to his family, friends and coworkers, than he cared about his wife and children. It was about how he ignored me and refused to socialize with me at his side. It was about issues surrounding his weight gain, his spending habits, and his loss of interest in me as human being. It was about his ambivilance in pushing me back into the workforce and then being pissy because I wasn’t home taking care of everything or earning enough.
It was about a huge lack of love, trust and communication.
But getting back to Paganism wasn’t my first priority, nor really did it need to be.
What I needed, first and foremost, was to start to feel comfortable with first of all, who I was now, and secondly, where I was in my life. I needed to realize what I had gone through, cull out the lessons, set myself squarely back into a healthy frame of mind, and see what had shaken loose.
And I have done that now.
Hey – not sure this fulfills your goal – but here’s a comment from someone who isn’t a friend.
Keep on bloggin’.
Uh oh. Other people are reading you. Now what?! AAAAAAH!!
(snicker)
I bet TheEx did actually find your alternate faith interesting. It made you different. But yeah, I dont think he thought about how to fit that into his family life. Or at least he wasn’t prepared to sacrifice for it (or anything, from what I’ve heard).
Hey, I like your blog. I noticed you read mine. Now I shall subscribe to yours and read yours too!