Is it me?
February24
Right now I am feeling the “its not you, its me” thing.
Its not that I don’t like RGG, hell… I love the boy. And I mean the weird mooshy-gooshy romantic sort of love, not the “you’re my friend and I love you, man” sorta love.
But I find myself a bit… scared right now.
You see… I want to spend time with him. A lot of time. Hell… I would like to go to bed with him every night, and wake up with him every morning. I would like to cook for him and clean up after him. I would like to fight with him and make up with him…
I am, quite frankly, twitterpated.
Yep… gobsmacked in love with this guy.
And all my instincts are telling me to RUN… do not pass go, do not collect $200… just run before I get into trouble.
Not sure what KIND of trouble. As I have discussed, there isn’t anywhere for this to GO right now. We can’t move in together. We can’t rush into marriage (since right now neither of us CAN remarry). I can’t get pregnant. We aren’t likely to rush into joint purchasing. There really isn’t anywhere for this to go.
But I worry.
I worry he’ll break my heart, because I have totally given my heart to him right now.
That is SCARY shit, yo!
Why is it scary, you might ask?
Well… here I am, a 34 (almost 35) year old woman.
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I have been engaged twice.
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I have been married once.
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I have given birth to 2 children.
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I have been on the dating scene.
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I have been rejected.
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I have been stood up.
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I have been cheated on.
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I have been accused of cheating.
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I have been stalked
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I have given my heart twice before.
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I have had my heart broken twice before
Now… I am in a dilemma here; I can run away from this before I get my heart broken or I can hold fast and face the fear of the unknown.
Both are good options.
On the one hand, I can play it safe and not risk my heart again. I can do what I have with theEx, and retreat from the hurt of a broken heart and find someone SAFE that can’t hurt me because, quite simply, I haven’t given my heart up to sacrifice.
On the other hand, I could allow myself to experience the roller coaster feelings of being in love, of being ALIVE and of risking it all. I can get out there on those skinny branches and risk my heart and my happiness, and take a gamble that this time I COULD come out ahead.
You see the dilemma, don’t you?
I can play it safe, and not have the hurt that will result in heartbreak. But that strategy hasn’t exactly worked out terrifically for me in the past. I ended up married to a man that I was playing it safe with, a man whom I didn’t truely and deeply love. I couldn’t live without that love in my life.
I can let myself experience the fullness of love. I can let go of the fear that I will get hurt again, and just open myself up to the real experience of being in love. I can let things develop, have hope for the future that I can feel is out there, and not really worry about getting “in trouble”. I can stop fearing that something will happen, and let things work themselves out organically and see where it gets me.
And if my heart gets broken?
I guess I can just experience heart break… fully and completely, knowing I will survive. I have survived before, I can survive again.
But… what if I DON’T get my heart broken?
Can I take the risk of walking away and NOT allowing myself to see where this goes on its own? Can I run in fear and not always wonder “what if”…
Can I take the risk of walking away and NOT allowing myself to see where this goes on its own? Can I run in fear and not always wonder “what if”…
I feel so much for this man.
I really want to take a chance on him, on me, on an US.
Even knowing that I want to see what happens, even stating that I am deciding, right here and now, that I am going to let myself open up to the possibilities for a loving relationship and stop being afraid to be hurt.
If I get hurt I get hurt.
Pam’s Life Lessons:
- Pam talks to herself through her blog. Yes, its weird. No, I/she is not likely to stop doing it.
- Sometimes you have to “get out on the skinny branches” and reach for what you want, risk falling (failing) and reach for the things that you think are beyond your grasp. And you know what? I know full well that when I do that I will either fall(fail) or I will actually reach the goal… but I won’t know the outcome OR the consequences, until I try. So I have to try.
- I can’t live fearing being hurt. Yes, having your heart broken HURTS a LOT. But so does living in a situation where you are settling for someone, where you are playing it safe but you have no deep loving connection with the other person.
- Since I have stated to myself, to RGG, and to everyone in the universe that I want a true and loving PARTNERSHIP I need to start doing that. And I can’t have that if I walk away every time I start to feel too much for someone.
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Can’t fly till you leave the ground. But yeah, the times you get back to the ground can be pretty ouchie. (HUG)
But on the other hand, how often do any of us ever get the chance to try?