Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Mental Wanderlust

March30
The boyfriend (aka, RGG) says that I think “too much”.
 
He’s right, you know.
 
I think a lot.
 
I think about everything.
 
And not just important things, but small things that get inside my psyche and trick me into thinking that they are BIG IMPORTANT SCARY things. Things that start off scratching at my consiousness, and become wrapped up in so much worry, like a huge pearl of anxiety… covered with layer after layer after layer of worry and anxiety.
 
I do this. I know I do.
 
I have always felt that putting a lot of conscious thought into things was a strength of mine.
 
But in reality I’m not dealing with things, I’m letting them snowball on me.
This is one of those things that being alone really makes WORSE for me.
 
When I was married I knew that at the end of the day I wasn’t truely alone with the things that were happening in my life, that there was another person out there that could help me. Whether he WOULD help me or not was a completely different matter, because often openning up my mind to theEx would only get me talked down at and treated like a total moron… but there was comfort in knowing that there was another mind out there that could help see things clearly sometimes… whether or not I trusted him enough to reveal to him how badly things were going when he didn’t like me enough to listen.
 
Now I am alone with my thoughts, because I don’t have anyone who I have a right to corner and say “hey, this is worrying me, what do you think?”… there is no one to share the burden with, its all 100% mine to have to carry on my own.
 
And I’m being squashed under it all sometimes..
 
And I’m very new in my relationship to RGG (5 months in now) and I don’t always really know where I stand with him. I don’t want to read ANYTHING into this relationship right now, I don’t want to colour anything with what I want by accident — and so i try to play it cool and keep my issues to myself until they have completely overwhelmed me.
 
The hardest part of being “single” is dating. Dating is both fun and exciting, but at the same time it doesn’t compare to being in a settled, committed relationship. Even with RGG and being an exclusive couple (by which I take it to mean that neither of us dates other people until such a time as we decide to change that arrangement) there is still so much ambiguity in the relationship that every contact, every conversation, could be interpreted badly.
 
Look: I don’t necessarily want to get married, but at the same time there is something to be said about having some form of established and RECOGNIZED relationship. Its a long way off, either way, but there is something great about knowing that there is someone out there that at the end of the day is my PARTNER in life, who weathers the storm WITH me, who strengthens my weak spots, and whose weak spots I strengthen.
 
Right now I am keenly aware of where my weaknesses lay… but I don’t have a life partner, I don’t have prospects for a real partnership, and I’m spinning my wheels attempting to fill in my weaknesses with MY strengths… which are OBVIOUSLY not going to cover MY weaknesses… and even more so tend to make me less and LESS strong because I tend to start to try and bolster my weak spots by focusing all my anxiety on fixing them. But not being truly able to focus on what I am GOOD at, because I am too worried about the things that I am NOT good at… I tend instead to fall apart.
 
There are so many things that I feel are vitally important that I am not really feeling competent with:
  • I am not a financial wizard. Not saying that theEx was (he’s proven otherwise with his not so smart lack of savings and increased levels of debt in the “you can’t take it with you and I want it NOW” attitude he always had) but he always seemed to have concrete REASONING for what he was doing and a PLAN for how to get ahead. Now I look at my finances and I make decisions, but I don’t KNOW if I have the confidence in the system, because I don’t think I have enough information, to make a real go of it.
  • I am not exactly a MATH wizard either. This might sound laughable, until you sit down and think about all the things that you need to be able to do MATHY things
    • paying bills
    • budgeting
    • tipping
    • financial planning (see??? see??)
    • carpentry
    • household repair stuff
    • kid type homework stuff
  • I am not competant with power tools. I know that I COULD likely become more comfortable with these things (which could help with the repairs bit, if I can get over the fact that sometimes I measure 3 times and get 3 completely different numbers… (such is the story of the blinds!!!). I don’t have a clue how to start with a lot of projects, I just have never had any sort of familiarity with building or fixing or doing that sort of household repair, maintainance, or improvement stuff
  • I am not at all sure how most things work. Such as my car. I am not naturally aware of what to do when things break, and I don’t know the necessary rules of maintainance. I know these things are essential for me, but right now my car is having issues… and I am not even sure where to take it because I can’t trust not to be taken to the cleaners (see points 1 and 2) because I am completely ignorant of what is “reasonable”..
 
Because these things feel all out of control, I freak out when things happen. I feel the inexplicable rush of fear when I try to untangle how to go about fixing something, planning something that needs to be done, or looking at my bills. I worry about my finances and making ends meet. I make stupid spending decisions. I put things off. I feel weaker and weaker because these are the things that, up until 2 years ago, theEx did FOR me.
 
I know I need to stand on my own now, and it scares me that I am still not entirely comfortable doing that, that I still want to have a partner who can help me with the overwhelming bits. I am good, for the most part, at keeping things clean, cooking, baking and housework. I am good at remembering appointments and getting people where they need to go. 
 
But what if there is no one out there who NEEDS me? Certaintly the things I am “strong” at are not really necessary and they aren’t special. Anyone who is strong enough in themsleves to make their life alone and keep a budget and a house and stay strong through every crisis will NOT have need for the stupid “womanly arts” bullshit that is all that I seem to be able to offer.
 
Which only leaves me one choice: Learn to be strong enough on my own, because I am too weak to offer strength to someone else.
 
posted under My Life | 3 Comments »

Big Giant Bundle of ANNOYED

March27
Yes, today I am a giant bundle of annoyed. Most of it I have directed at the legal profession, and more specifically theEx’s lawyer… but to some extent my lawyer is being painted with the same brush too.
 
I just really wish they would say what they MEAN or be CLEAR.
 
But that’s too much to ask of anyone trained in the legal profession, apparently.
 
Or Engineers.
 
Yes… today is “hate the Engineer” day too… follow along here (theEx is/was a Professional Engineer)…
 
There is no way to ruin a day FASTER than to have to talk to a legal representative early in your day and try to figure out what the opposing counsel is trying to get at WHEN SHE HASN’T EXPLAINED it.
 
Basically… I have a smaller debt load than my legal counsel thought I would have… but because the house sold BEFORE they could start the divorce proceedings there is still outstanding issues (sigh) and so I’m forced to estimate my legal bills so I can try for a consolidation loan to pay my debts so I can manage everything.
 
Damn lawyers. She (theEx’s counsel) that they were demanding extra from me to  him… no explaination about EXACTLY what she was going towards. I had to wait for MY legal guy to let me know what she was thinking…
 
Still very annoyed.
 
Today is just annoying to me. I am feeling all anxious and prickly and not at all sure about anything… and to make matters worse because RGG had the day off today he didnt’ text me this morning (which makes me sad because I like that small “touch” across the distance) and he won’t be coming in tonight like he usually does, and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be seeing him this weekend OR next weekend.
 
I think its a statement that *I*miss him a lot and feel really lonely when I don’t see him or talk to him, but that he doesn’t feel the same way. It kinda bothers me that I have to initiate contact all the time, that he rarely phones me because he misses me, and that suddenly he’s backpeddling about previous conversations.
 
Maybe its just a matter of time? I’m trying to be “meh” about it, because if he’s not feeling it I’d rather he not feel like he has to continue with it. We’ve both “settled” in the past, and I don’t want that again, so right now I’m just leveling down any outright expressions of anxiety, cutting back a bit on trying to keep in contact, and focusing more on ME rather than any US that might very well not exist outside my stupid thoughts…
 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to give up yet. I just don’t have the capacity to keep pushing for what is hidden underneath the jokes all the time, I’m willing to just watch how things shake out a bit more than trying to guide things to become ANYTHING.
 
I know I will be fine on my own. I am not worried about it. I can start over, if I have to, and I will eventually get what I need too… I know this. I know that RGG MIGHT or might not be my future… and things will work out as they will. I’m not going to just “settle” for someone who isn’t sure they really want to work on things too… I am not going to be the one doing all the work for nothing anymore… If I wanted that I would have stayed married to theEx. Or even stayed with the Stalker…
  
The thing is that I expect SO LITTLE from him already that I don’t want to change that. I don’t expect him to phone  but I’d like it. I don’t expect him to care about my life or my thoughts but it would make me feel wanted and special if he did show interest. I don’t expect flowery words or gifts. I don’t expect to go out together or do anything alone or date like. I don’t expect him to mark important dates. We don’t really “date” anyway… I’m feeling more the “chick he bangs” than anything else… 
 
Things might change. Things might not. 
 
I’m not gonna push it because I don’t want another man settling for me when I’m not what they want. 
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I had a thought

March26
But my brain ate it.
 
So… last night, about 1:30am or 2am, I was jolted awake by the “beep-beep-beep” and rumbling buzz of my phone signaling that I had received a text message.
 
Now… I don’t know about all of YOU (all 1-6 people who have in passing read this blogity-autobiographical rambling mess that signifies my life) out there in happy-internet-blog-land… but I tend to be ASLEEP, in BED, with my 2 felines well before 1am on a weekday.
 
Why?
 
Because, dear readers (snicker) I, like many other people in their mid-30s with debt to pay off and children to keep in clothing, shoes, food, and toys, have what is colloquially called a “real job”. Which means that on weeknights I go to bed no later than 12am (which when I am not talking to RGG, Serin, or attempting to knit myself into a coma, is the LATEST I will be up) because I get up at 6am to get ready for WORK in the morning.
 
So, yeah.
 
First night in about 2 weeks that I haven’t had trouble falling asleep… and someone is texting me.
 
And who? Who might POSSIBLY be doing this?
 
Why, our friend the STALKER, of course.
 
Because I have been so warmly encouraging him to keep contacting me (at least in his mind), because I haven’t been abundantly CLEAR in that I do not want to talk to him in person, on the phone, recieve text messages, emails, IM contact, or even get notification of his status changes on FACEBOOK, because I am so HAPPY when I hear from him…
 
Well… for whatever deluded reason he continues to find ways and reasons to contact me. And I get frustrated with this, as I have no desire to be contacted.
 
I mean, you’d THINK that blocking IM, Facebook and filtering all email that came from him would be a hint, right? Or the fact that I changed my phone number because I didn’t want him to phone or text me anymore? Or the fact that I stated, clearly, that I didn’t want to ever talk to him again, EVER…  any or all of those facts should have been enough for him to cease and desist in talking to me.
 
But no.
 
He found my phone number again. And he dropped off every piece of unwanted junk that I might have accidentally left at his place off on my doorstep. And he STILL texts me.
 
Such as last night, when he texted me IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
 
The purpose, of which, was to tell me a few things that apparently he just NEEDED to tell me RIGHT THEN:
  1. That he was deauthorizing me from his iTunes account. Well… that’s nice. I had taken him off MINE approximately 2 minutes after realizing I didn’t want this man in my life… maybe before that…
  2. That HE wasn’t the person sending comments and texts and other assorted attempts at contact, even though it might have been coming from HIS computer. And, seriously, I don’t care WHO it is that might still be thinking I care enough to send me comments… could be his 9 year old, could be his best friend, could be his new lady-love, could be his roommate… hell… it could be one of his alternate personalities that are crammed tight into his skull for all I care, if the comments are coming from his computer chances are that HE knows about them and is encouraging them even if he isn’t the one sending them to me.
  3. That he misses me and needs… then the message gets cut off (and thankfully that was the last one).
The timing of this kinda made me think that the dude was drunk texting me. Which pisses me off because, really, how many times does one person have to change their phone number and request that the other take their numbers off/out of their phone before they DO it?
 
And once more…
 
Life lessons from Pam:
  • Ex’s are no fun… even when you leave things on not-horrible terms it is no fun to deal with an ex anything.
  • Some people just don’t get the hint, even after you hit them over the head with a lead pipe.
  • The best way to deal with situations like this is to just not respond at all. Eventually I’m sure he’ll get tired of trying to get my attention and he’ll just find something better to do with his time and energy.
  • The more things drag on with the Stalker and the unwanted attention, the more happy I am that I have RGG in my life…
  • I am not going to let fear rule my life… or anger.
  • I know how to make a voodoo dolly… just saying…
 
 
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I’m still alive, this time I’m SURE

March24
So… its been a while. 
 
My life kinda took a sideways slide last week, which was freaky, scary, unfortunate, and really made me not want to write anything about anything.
 
It took a LOT of talking to the people who matter the most to me, confiding in those I love, and some professional information and advice… but perspective has now been gained.
 
Things are not COMPLETELY resolved… there is still a giant question mark hanging over some aspects of my life, there are still fragments of my relationships that either can or cannot be repaired.
 
For one thing, I do not really know where I stand with RGG right now… but then again, I never really KNEW where I stood with him, other than he loves me and I love him — there isn’t any rush right now and there isn’t any “next level” to move to with him…
 
So if things survive THIS mess then we’ll be good.
 
If not… well… I repair myself again… pull myself up by my bootstraps once more… and allow myself to start dating again. Hell… someone has my signed up for EHarmony anyway… I might as well put it to good use.
 
No reason to be TERRIBLY pessimistic either way yet…
 
There is a certain amount of clarity here, though…
 
In some ways there is a definition set in my life, clarity of who belongs… who DESERVES to be a part of my life… who I can count on, lean on, or trust… and who I definately do not feel I can count on, lean on or trust…
 
More than that, it has clarified just WHO I don’t want in my life. And WHY.
 
Not that I didn’t already have an idea… but as my dismay and fear and sadness and self-loathing turned from inward directed anger towards… well… facing the reality of the situation and where my anger should truely BE directed…
 
And that’s all I can say about THAT…
 
<hr>
 
Things have been… wild to say the least.
 
Last week, amid the personal issues I was having that had me in a mental tailspin for 7 days, I had things going on with the kids teh entire week…
 
Monday I had to run out with the kids so that BoyChild could buy a present for a birthday party that he was invited to. It was important to him, so we made it a priority.
 
Tuesday each child had something that they needed to do… and so I had to implore theEx to help out. He took GirlChild to her Irish dance recital and I took BoyChild to his school science fair and watched him while he explained his experiment to the adults who came in.
As an aside, I was actually pleasantly surprised to see not only ONE rather “goth” mother (she had  piercings through both cheeks, her nose (which I have too) and her hair dyed black) wearing a pentacle… but there was also a rather “suburban SAHM” type openly wearing a pentacle in the school… as well as a few kids proudly and publicly wearing their own signs of Pagan faith. I wish, at times, that I could wear my symbols of faith as openly as all that. I know, too, that I could never give my children a pentacle without risking the heated WRATH of their grandfather..
Wednesday came and BoyChild had a birthday party to attend to after school. So GirlChild and I rushed around after I got her from daycare and picked him up from the party… 
 
Thursday I had to have enough invitations for GirlChild’s birthday party ready and in her bag so she could invite all her little friends from her kindergarten class. After school we had time to go and get a quick snack to tide the kids over before we were due back at their school for a Parent/Teacher interview with BoyChild’s teacher, Educational Assistant, and resource teachers (thankfully he seems to be doing better, he’s not where most kids his age are yet, but he’s been improving, and that’s better than getting worse)… 
 
And Friday I had to rush around to get the kids to theEx’s new apartment after daycare… and back home (instead of being allowed to go out to RGG’s) to hang out with G for the evening.
 
Saturday I had to get a bunch of things done… I had to get my oil changed and new windshield wipers, I had to check some stuff out for RGG, I had to pick up a few groceries, I had to get some materials for a new project… and after I was done all that I was invited to go out to visit RGG and his girls.
 
Although I was thinking he only wanted me to go out for the afternoon, he decided that I should come out and stay for the remainder of the weekend and leave Monday morning…
 
The weekend was stressful with all the stuff I have been trying to get through, and the newest tailspin that I had been placed in was still weighing VERY heavily on my mind. I had a lot of moments of time this weekend when I seriously thought that it might be a VERY GOOD IDEA for me to just pack up my heart and walk away from RGG. Thankfully he’s got a much cooler head (and a much more logical and less emotionally driven thought process) than I have and decided that we were NOT going to jump to conclusions at all over the whirling mess of my life… because things were not certain OR finalized and it was best to just let things shake out and deal with them first.
 
Right now:
  • I am finalizing a house sale with my ex, which has caused me a bit of concern over the amount of debt I will be experiencing once things are finalized. I feel a bit more up in the air about this than I thought I would
  • I have now been given everything from my marriage that I will EVER get back — and I experienced the final LOSS of my marriage through the simple fact that no matter how hard we tried we could NOT get my couch into my apartment. I know that I have 3 love seats, and that it is PLENTY of seating… but I wanted my couch… and now I have had to give it away… and it still makes me sad.
  • My lawyer is STILL dragging his goddammed feet about the freaking divorce. I know that there are a million small details to complete before the debts are finalized and all… but HOLY F**K man, when I asked him in JANUARY (the 13th to be exact) how long it took to draw up the divorce paperwork along with the separation agreement and he said “maybe 1 or 2 hours??” and its been 2 months and NEITHER side has started it yet??? FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
  • I thought I’d have the divorce paperwork STARTED before I turned 35… but… despite not having that going yet I am STILL turning 35. I have decided since no on ever gives a fuck about my birthday anyway I am not going to have one this year… that’s it
  • I know that anytime I lend money I have to expect not to be repaid. I am more worried about saying anything about it, because I don’t want to make a big deal about it  and its more of a trust issue than a NEED for the money back
  • I haven’t done my taxes, and I have the kids coming back to me on friday, which means I have to wait ANOTHER week, or beg SOMEONE to take them for an hour (which is unlikely to happen) before I can get this done. As well, my fucking ex went outside of the written agreement and is forcing me to declare an extra month’s worth of spousal support on my taxes, so I am worried that instead of getting money BACK I will have to PAY money in for the first time in years… 
    So… yeah… I’m a stress monkey
 
 
 
 
 
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Dark night of the soul…

March20
I’ll live… maybe…
 
This week has been the worst week that i have been able to think of since the week I left theEx and lived in fear of what was going to happen to me and my children, which was blissfully topped off by being fired without cause from the job I loved (and where I had a support network of other people who had gone through the same kind of thing)…
 
Yeah. I feel like I am in hell this week.
 
It doesn’t help that I am entirely and utterly ALONE right now. I could use a hug in the worst way, to be touched and held so that I don’t feel like I am completely unlovable.
 
Right now I feel completely and entirely unlovable and undeserving of ever being loved.
I feel the scars on my soul from my past:
  • I feel the pain of disappointing my family by not being what they dreamed their little girl would be
  • I feel the pain of the rape I survived
  • I feel the bruises of the relationship violence I endured
  • I sting from the emotional abuse from past relationships
 
I know I’m stronger now than I was then. I know that I won’t put up with the words or the deeds of violence anymore, that I will speak out and stand up and defend myself… 
 
But right now I feel very very small and insignificant inside myself. I feel all the nasty words that have been slung at me, all the hurts that have been directed at me for being “inadequate” and right now I feel a bit like I’ve been locked in a dark room with all of this and I don’t have any one who I can reach for to make it all bearable.
 
And when I feel like this I feel like obviously things work this way because I don’t DESERVE to be loved, and I don’t reach out to anyone because I’m too scared to be rejected when I need love the most.
 
And so I spiral into the darkness of my soul, alone.
 
The things going on that are hurting me make me feel unlovable, and when I feel unlovable I do what I did as a small child and I retreat from the people I have disappointed. Hell, if I could I would have stayed home in bed, under my overly warm covers, with the cats who love me (if only because I am the person who can open the catfood container) and just cried and cried this week.
 
I feel like I have once more failed to live up to some sort of ideal that I didn’t really hold to be true, but that I know was expected of me.
 
Its what I call the “Post-Christian Guilt”. My grandmother held an ideal of what a “good (christian) girl” was. My mother reinforced it. I lived my life unable to believe the tenets of Christianity, but still wanting to be a “good girl” enough to earn the respect of my family. I married a man who’s father had an even stricter image of a “good woman” which he had passed on down to his sons.
 
I still feel the guilt when I don’t live up to that ideal, even though that ideal does not fit my image of a “good Pagan girl/woman”…
 
When I went out and pierced my nose, I felt a HUGE sense of not only relief at having taken back control over my own body. Yes, it was just a TINY green gem, but formerly that would have been a HUGE deal as theEx would have freaked about what XFIL and XMIL would think about me (and by association HIM for “allowing” me to do such a thing) and even more, how that would reflect on him with XFIL’s CHURCH. But even though I felt the relief at having the ability to make these decisions for MYSELF and my body, I also shook with anxiety that I had marked myself as somone who was no longer “good”…
 
Its the same when I started online dating. I wanted to break out of the image that other people had of me, I wanted to be “fun” instead of “good”… and I was conflicted. I enjoyed meeting a variety of men, but I wasn’t comfortable with the NUMBER I was meeting for coffees or going on dates with. I tried to be light and free and easy. I tried to just experience what came along.
 
And I am still feeling residual guilt at going outside of the image that everyone else had for me. I am haunted by the berating that I got from the Stalker because I had started dating before he was ready for me to do so and because I dated someone for a few weeks that he did not really think I should be dating. I failed to live up to the ideal that he held of me, and it affected how I looked at myself and my own situation.
 
I’m not a classical “good girl”… I’m a woman… I’m a human being. I made mistakes, things I have to live with, but I don’t think that I always need to adopt the ideals of what other people think of me as my internal view of myself.
 
Pam’s Life lessons:
  • Guilt is not always productive, but it lets you know when soemthing is wrong.
  • Its best to live up to your OWN idea of who you are and what your values and goals are, not what someone else feels you should hold as goals or values.
  • Sometimes you don’t see the mistakes until you are further down the road. And then its too late.
  • I can live my life alone, with my kids and my cats, if my mistakes have caused me to lose the respect of RGG — I will never again put up with the verbal stings and assaults of a man who feels that I need to be “corrected” and “put in my place” and that he is to decide what that place is. I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than be constantly crapped on for a mistake that I have done my best to learn from
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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