I’m still alive, this time I’m SURE
March24
So… its been a while.
My life kinda took a sideways slide last week, which was freaky, scary, unfortunate, and really made me not want to write anything about anything.
It took a LOT of talking to the people who matter the most to me, confiding in those I love, and some professional information and advice… but perspective has now been gained.
Things are not COMPLETELY resolved… there is still a giant question mark hanging over some aspects of my life, there are still fragments of my relationships that either can or cannot be repaired.
For one thing, I do not really know where I stand with RGG right now… but then again, I never really KNEW where I stood with him, other than he loves me and I love him — there isn’t any rush right now and there isn’t any “next level” to move to with him…
So if things survive THIS mess then we’ll be good.
If not… well… I repair myself again… pull myself up by my bootstraps once more… and allow myself to start dating again. Hell… someone has my signed up for EHarmony anyway… I might as well put it to good use.
No reason to be TERRIBLY pessimistic either way yet…
There is a certain amount of clarity here, though…
In some ways there is a definition set in my life, clarity of who belongs… who DESERVES to be a part of my life… who I can count on, lean on, or trust… and who I definately do not feel I can count on, lean on or trust…
More than that, it has clarified just WHO I don’t want in my life. And WHY.
Not that I didn’t already have an idea… but as my dismay and fear and sadness and self-loathing turned from inward directed anger towards… well… facing the reality of the situation and where my anger should truely BE directed…
And that’s all I can say about THAT…
<hr>
Things have been… wild to say the least.
Last week, amid the personal issues I was having that had me in a mental tailspin for 7 days, I had things going on with the kids teh entire week…
Monday I had to run out with the kids so that BoyChild could buy a present for a birthday party that he was invited to. It was important to him, so we made it a priority.
Tuesday each child had something that they needed to do… and so I had to implore theEx to help out. He took GirlChild to her Irish dance recital and I took BoyChild to his school science fair and watched him while he explained his experiment to the adults who came in.
As an aside, I was actually pleasantly surprised to see not only ONE rather “goth” mother (she had piercings through both cheeks, her nose (which I have too) and her hair dyed black) wearing a pentacle… but there was also a rather “suburban SAHM” type openly wearing a pentacle in the school… as well as a few kids proudly and publicly wearing their own signs of Pagan faith. I wish, at times, that I could wear my symbols of faith as openly as all that. I know, too, that I could never give my children a pentacle without risking the heated WRATH of their grandfather..
Wednesday came and BoyChild had a birthday party to attend to after school. So GirlChild and I rushed around after I got her from daycare and picked him up from the party…
Thursday I had to have enough invitations for GirlChild’s birthday party ready and in her bag so she could invite all her little friends from her kindergarten class. After school we had time to go and get a quick snack to tide the kids over before we were due back at their school for a Parent/Teacher interview with BoyChild’s teacher, Educational Assistant, and resource teachers (thankfully he seems to be doing better, he’s not where most kids his age are yet, but he’s been improving, and that’s better than getting worse)…
And Friday I had to rush around to get the kids to theEx’s new apartment after daycare… and back home (instead of being allowed to go out to RGG’s) to hang out with G for the evening.
Saturday I had to get a bunch of things done… I had to get my oil changed and new windshield wipers, I had to check some stuff out for RGG, I had to pick up a few groceries, I had to get some materials for a new project… and after I was done all that I was invited to go out to visit RGG and his girls.
Although I was thinking he only wanted me to go out for the afternoon, he decided that I should come out and stay for the remainder of the weekend and leave Monday morning…
The weekend was stressful with all the stuff I have been trying to get through, and the newest tailspin that I had been placed in was still weighing VERY heavily on my mind. I had a lot of moments of time this weekend when I seriously thought that it might be a VERY GOOD IDEA for me to just pack up my heart and walk away from RGG. Thankfully he’s got a much cooler head (and a much more logical and less emotionally driven thought process) than I have and decided that we were NOT going to jump to conclusions at all over the whirling mess of my life… because things were not certain OR finalized and it was best to just let things shake out and deal with them first.
Right now:
-
I am finalizing a house sale with my ex, which has caused me a bit of concern over the amount of debt I will be experiencing once things are finalized. I feel a bit more up in the air about this than I thought I would
-
I have now been given everything from my marriage that I will EVER get back — and I experienced the final LOSS of my marriage through the simple fact that no matter how hard we tried we could NOT get my couch into my apartment. I know that I have 3 love seats, and that it is PLENTY of seating… but I wanted my couch… and now I have had to give it away… and it still makes me sad.
-
My lawyer is STILL dragging his goddammed feet about the freaking divorce. I know that there are a million small details to complete before the debts are finalized and all… but HOLY F**K man, when I asked him in JANUARY (the 13th to be exact) how long it took to draw up the divorce paperwork along with the separation agreement and he said “maybe 1 or 2 hours??” and its been 2 months and NEITHER side has started it yet??? FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
-
I thought I’d have the divorce paperwork STARTED before I turned 35… but… despite not having that going yet I am STILL turning 35. I have decided since no on ever gives a fuck about my birthday anyway I am not going to have one this year… that’s it
-
I know that anytime I lend money I have to expect not to be repaid. I am more worried about saying anything about it, because I don’t want to make a big deal about it and its more of a trust issue than a NEED for the money back
-
I haven’t done my taxes, and I have the kids coming back to me on friday, which means I have to wait ANOTHER week, or beg SOMEONE to take them for an hour (which is unlikely to happen) before I can get this done. As well, my fucking ex went outside of the written agreement and is forcing me to declare an extra month’s worth of spousal support on my taxes, so I am worried that instead of getting money BACK I will have to PAY money in for the first time in years…So… yeah… I’m a stress monkey
Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
