Mar 27
Yes, today I am a giant bundle of annoyed. Most of it I have directed at the legal profession, and more specifically theEx’s lawyer… but to some extent my lawyer is being painted with the same brush too.
I just really wish they would say what they MEAN or be CLEAR.
But that’s too much to ask of anyone trained in the legal profession, apparently.
Or Engineers.
Yes… today is “hate the Engineer” day too… follow along here (theEx is/was a Professional Engineer)…
There is no way to ruin a day FASTER than to have to talk to a legal representative early in your day and try to figure out what the opposing counsel is trying to get at WHEN SHE HASN’T EXPLAINED it.
Basically… I have a smaller debt load than my legal counsel thought I would have… but because the house sold BEFORE they could start the divorce proceedings there is still outstanding issues (sigh) and so I’m forced to estimate my legal bills so I can try for a consolidation loan to pay my debts so I can manage everything.
Damn lawyers. She (theEx’s counsel) that they were demanding extra from me to him… no explaination about EXACTLY what she was going towards. I had to wait for MY legal guy to let me know what she was thinking…
Still very annoyed.
Today is just annoying to me. I am feeling all anxious and prickly and not at all sure about anything… and to make matters worse because RGG had the day off today he didnt’ text me this morning (which makes me sad because I like that small “touch” across the distance) and he won’t be coming in tonight like he usually does, and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be seeing him this weekend OR next weekend.
I think its a statement that *I*miss him a lot and feel really lonely when I don’t see him or talk to him, but that he doesn’t feel the same way. It kinda bothers me that I have to initiate contact all the time, that he rarely phones me because he misses me, and that suddenly he’s backpeddling about previous conversations.
Maybe its just a matter of time? I’m trying to be “meh” about it, because if he’s not feeling it I’d rather he not feel like he has to continue with it. We’ve both “settled” in the past, and I don’t want that again, so right now I’m just leveling down any outright expressions of anxiety, cutting back a bit on trying to keep in contact, and focusing more on ME rather than any US that might very well not exist outside my stupid thoughts…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to give up yet. I just don’t have the capacity to keep pushing for what is hidden underneath the jokes all the time, I’m willing to just watch how things shake out a bit more than trying to guide things to become ANYTHING.
I know I will be fine on my own. I am not worried about it. I can start over, if I have to, and I will eventually get what I need too… I know this. I know that RGG MIGHT or might not be my future… and things will work out as they will. I’m not going to just “settle” for someone who isn’t sure they really want to work on things too… I am not going to be the one doing all the work for nothing anymore… If I wanted that I would have stayed married to theEx. Or even stayed with the Stalker…
The thing is that I expect SO LITTLE from him already that I don’t want to change that. I don’t expect him to phone but I’d like it. I don’t expect him to care about my life or my thoughts but it would make me feel wanted and special if he did show interest. I don’t expect flowery words or gifts. I don’t expect to go out together or do anything alone or date like. I don’t expect him to mark important dates. We don’t really “date” anyway… I’m feeling more the “chick he bangs” than anything else…
Things might change. Things might not.
I’m not gonna push it because I don’t want another man settling for me when I’m not what they want.
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