Mar 30
The boyfriend (aka, RGG) says that I think “too much”.
He’s right, you know.
I think a lot.
I think about everything.
And not just important things, but small things that get inside my psyche and trick me into thinking that they are BIG IMPORTANT SCARY things. Things that start off scratching at my consiousness, and become wrapped up in so much worry, like a huge pearl of anxiety… covered with layer after layer after layer of worry and anxiety.
I do this. I know I do.
I have always felt that putting a lot of conscious thought into things was a strength of mine.
But in reality I’m not dealing with things, I’m letting them snowball on me.
This is one of those things that being alone really makes WORSE for me.
When I was married I knew that at the end of the day I wasn’t truely alone with the things that were happening in my life, that there was another person out there that could help me. Whether he WOULD help me or not was a completely different matter, because often openning up my mind to theEx would only get me talked down at and treated like a total moron… but there was comfort in knowing that there was another mind out there that could help see things clearly sometimes… whether or not I trusted him enough to reveal to him how badly things were going when he didn’t like me enough to listen.
Now I am alone with my thoughts, because I don’t have anyone who I have a right to corner and say “hey, this is worrying me, what do you think?”… there is no one to share the burden with, its all 100% mine to have to carry on my own.
And I’m being squashed under it all sometimes..
And I’m very new in my relationship to RGG (5 months in now) and I don’t always really know where I stand with him. I don’t want to read ANYTHING into this relationship right now, I don’t want to colour anything with what I want by accident — and so i try to play it cool and keep my issues to myself until they have completely overwhelmed me.
The hardest part of being “single” is dating. Dating is both fun and exciting, but at the same time it doesn’t compare to being in a settled, committed relationship. Even with RGG and being an exclusive couple (by which I take it to mean that neither of us dates other people until such a time as we decide to change that arrangement) there is still so much ambiguity in the relationship that every contact, every conversation, could be interpreted badly.
Look: I don’t necessarily want to get married, but at the same time there is something to be said about having some form of established and RECOGNIZED relationship. Its a long way off, either way, but there is something great about knowing that there is someone out there that at the end of the day is my PARTNER in life, who weathers the storm WITH me, who strengthens my weak spots, and whose weak spots I strengthen.
Right now I am keenly aware of where my weaknesses lay… but I don’t have a life partner, I don’t have prospects for a real partnership, and I’m spinning my wheels attempting to fill in my weaknesses with MY strengths… which are OBVIOUSLY not going to cover MY weaknesses… and even more so tend to make me less and LESS strong because I tend to start to try and bolster my weak spots by focusing all my anxiety on fixing them. But not being truly able to focus on what I am GOOD at, because I am too worried about the things that I am NOT good at… I tend instead to fall apart.
There are so many things that I feel are vitally important that I am not really feeling competent with:
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I am not a financial wizard. Not saying that theEx was (he’s proven otherwise with his not so smart lack of savings and increased levels of debt in the “you can’t take it with you and I want it NOW” attitude he always had) but he always seemed to have concrete REASONING for what he was doing and a PLAN for how to get ahead. Now I look at my finances and I make decisions, but I don’t KNOW if I have the confidence in the system, because I don’t think I have enough information, to make a real go of it.
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I am not exactly a MATH wizard either. This might sound laughable, until you sit down and think about all the things that you need to be able to do MATHY things
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paying bills
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budgeting
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tipping
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financial planning (see??? see??)
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carpentry
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household repair stuff
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kid type homework stuff
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I am not competant with power tools. I know that I COULD likely become more comfortable with these things (which could help with the repairs bit, if I can get over the fact that sometimes I measure 3 times and get 3 completely different numbers… (such is the story of the blinds!!!). I don’t have a clue how to start with a lot of projects, I just have never had any sort of familiarity with building or fixing or doing that sort of household repair, maintainance, or improvement stuff
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I am not at all sure how most things work. Such as my car. I am not naturally aware of what to do when things break, and I don’t know the necessary rules of maintainance. I know these things are essential for me, but right now my car is having issues… and I am not even sure where to take it because I can’t trust not to be taken to the cleaners (see points 1 and 2) because I am completely ignorant of what is “reasonable”..
Because these things feel all out of control, I freak out when things happen. I feel the inexplicable rush of fear when I try to untangle how to go about fixing something, planning something that needs to be done, or looking at my bills. I worry about my finances and making ends meet. I make stupid spending decisions. I put things off. I feel weaker and weaker because these are the things that, up until 2 years ago, theEx did FOR me.
I know I need to stand on my own now, and it scares me that I am still not entirely comfortable doing that, that I still want to have a partner who can help me with the overwhelming bits. I am good, for the most part, at keeping things clean, cooking, baking and housework. I am good at remembering appointments and getting people where they need to go.
But what if there is no one out there who NEEDS me? Certaintly the things I am “strong” at are not really necessary and they aren’t special. Anyone who is strong enough in themsleves to make their life alone and keep a budget and a house and stay strong through every crisis will NOT have need for the stupid “womanly arts” bullshit that is all that I seem to be able to offer.
Which only leaves me one choice: Learn to be strong enough on my own, because I am too weak to offer strength to someone else.
I heard a rumour that you did your own taxes… seems like you can do what needs to be done.
I’m always surprised by the stuff I am able to do when I have to. It is really fantastic to have someone else around to fill in your weaknesses, however, sometimes I HAVE to do something myself that I’m not sure I can do, and when I actually accomplish it, it’s such a great feeling!
First off yes you think to much, DUH.
Second what you have to offer are not just bullshit womanly arts. As has been said on a few knitting lists I am on. This isn’t a hobby, it’s an end of the world survival skill. How long do you think the packages of socks in the store will last once the world ends. Then we who know the womanly arts will rule. (evil laugh here)
Third there is more to you than those womanly arts. I will keep beating that in to you as long as it takes.
I a with S. You can do what you need to do, when you need to do it. Remember Embrace the Suck. You never do anything right the first time, everything takes practice.
I know I am not a partner of any kind, but I will listen and hold the wrench for you. You know that.