A lonely weekend…
April27
This weekend was the first weekend that I have spent alone (as in, no other adult company of ANY kind) in about 1 year… and the first time I have been alone for an entire weekend since I started dating Reg. I am not used to not seeing him, not having him over for the night, or even just for an evening of watching movies. (But I did get a sweet phone call from him Saturday afternoon, totally unsolicited by me… YAY!!)
But he’s going through some stuff with his separation/divorce and I understand that he needed time to himself right now, that he just wanted a weekend without the kids screaming and yelling and fighting while he tried to sleep (since he hasn’t been sleeping very well for a few weeks now)… and that he just needs time to think about the process that he’s about to go through.
And believe me… I KNOW how that goes some times. And yet, I still have no real ability to KNOW what he is going through either.
Although my separation was contentous — with theEx constantly insinuating that the failure of the marriage was my fault, alone and therefore he didn’t feel the need to support his children during the first year (and I never DID get any retroactive support because he is a true bastard and I didn’t feel that court would get me anywhere with that), the simple fact of the matter is that the process was still relatively SIMPLE compared to what Reg is going through…
After all, both theEx and I are in the same jurisdiction. There was fighting, there was the fact that I had to give up a LOT of things that I should have rightly been entitled to (ie, spousal support for the next few years to even out the living situation) in order to stay financially viable. There was more ability for him to make my life hard.
But I could meet with a lawyer. I could get advice from someone. And my lawyer could tell me my legal rights and responsibilities… because there were no jurisdiction issues. I had a local situation, not an international incident…
I know that what Reg is going through must be hard, and I have no concept of HOW hard it is for him. And because he is a man, and because he wants to be strong, he holds it all in and away from me. And I hurt for him…
But I am just his girlfriend.
Nothing more.
And it behooves me to remember that… right now we have no “future” together. We hang out with our kids, and we watch movies, and we ocassionally go out on dates, but this has nowhere to “go” right now. Neither of us is divorced yet. Neither of us is ready to really meld our households… and this is good. We are getting to know each other well, and if our lives change we can be flexible… because we both have rushed in the past and have lived to regret it…
My regrets have so far cost me about $10,000…
Plus the need to screen my phone calls and emails…
The cost of putting on a door chain and blinds in my windows…
And I know that while I love Reg and his daughters that I am not sure that I am ready for any “next step”… and not even sure what that would be. What we have is good right now… where we are going is happy-making and good… and I know that there is no need to focus on an “end goal” out there.
Do I want to eventually have a more solidified relationship with someone? I am pretty sure I do.
But I am no longer rabidly NEEDING that validation either. Unlike when I was “ready” to get engaged at 21 (after dating theEx for only 6 months), “ready” to move in with him (after only 1 month), or “ready” to be married at 23 I now know that I can be happy with where things are now too…
I know that Reg loves me, and that’s enough for now. I love him too. I love his girls, even when they frustrate him (and me). And I know that we are in a good place for us…
Having a “long distance” relationship is frustrating for me. The situation reminds me a little of what I had in my marriage — a husband that was only really there half time or weekends with no end in sight. Spending so much time alone, so many nights cold and lonely, can be frustrating… but I survived it for 9 years with theEx and now I have the freedom to go out with girlfriends, talk on the phone with friends, go out and do my hobbies, or phone up my great boyfriend and talk to him when I feel lonely (could never call theEx at nights since he didn’t have any phone access at the camp where he worked)…
But there is a lot of difference between the girl I was at 24 and the woman I am at 35…
And there is a HUGE difference between the boy that theEx was and the man that Reg is…
And that makes putting up with the occasional lonely weekend is worth it…
Because eventually I get to spend time with Reg, even if it is only a few hours here and there…
Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
