Apr 28
Today I read an post by Havi over at the Fluent Self about being seen and her cycle of wanting to be invisible and wanting to be seen and then BEING seen and this really sparked a bit of thinking on my part.
You see, I have struggled for most of my life to find ANY kind of balance between wanting to remain completely inconspicuous and wanting to be seen. And while I can’t say that I have come to any set conclusion about these things, I have really started to LOOK at the various needs that have pulled me to be either invisible within my own life and yet leave me screaming and waving my hands in desperate need to be noticed.
And while I would never actually claim that what I am going through with this is “the same” as what Havi was talking about (since my struggles are just to allow my personality, emotional needs, and personal feelings of safety to work out how present I am able to be in MY LIFE, Havi talks about how the struggle to remain unseen and yet the need to be seen affected her BUSINESS `
I have struggled with my own self-image, off and on, for as long as I can remember. I have alternated between wanting to fade into the background and remain unnoticed (and therefore “safe”) and wanting to be attractive and noticed and desired. There never seemed to be a way to balance the being invisible (safe) and the being seen (risky) in my world… and so I would swing, in an almost bipolar fashion, between hiding who I really was and being so over-the-top-THERE that now one could miss me…
Back and forth… invisible and attracting attention…
Neither of which seemed to get me what I wanted…
I was, afraid that I was unattractive because I was:
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petite (I’m 5’0″ tall, slender)
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dark (brunette)
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small chested (yes, I was never as well endowed as the men seemed to want)
I was afraid to draw attention to myself, afraid of getting rejected again by the opposite sex and not sure how to deal with that kind of feeling (shame, embarassment, sadness, anger), and yet I desperately WANTED to be SEEN by my peers.
But to do that I had to be visable. I had to be SEEN.
Which was hard for me.
I would be out and available until I started dating someone, then I would retreat back in on myself until the relationship ended. I would, ultimately, become unhappy with being hidden from the world instead of being supported by the other person. And so my unhappiness would lead me to change things, to make efforts to be more social…
Which would usually lead to my significant other becoming jealous and accusing me of cheating.
But that was never what it was.
I would want to grow, want to expand out and become more fully myself, I would feel SECURE in who I was WITH the other person, and I would believe in myself — which would lead me to feel good about myself.
And when I felt good about myself I started to dress better. I started to wear makeup. I started to smile more. I started to talk to people and be friendly. I made EYE contact with people.
And the more that threatened my relationship (as my previous relationships tended to be with men who liked having power over me, and when I felt good about myself it threatened their grasp on me) my man would often say or do things to cut me down.
And I would retreat again, I would want to be invisible again.
Back and forth…
Until I couldn’t take it anymore. Until I had this irresistable urge to change the pattern… to stop the back and forth, and find a happy medium of being safely visible.
Which meant leaving theEx and learning to stand on my own two feet. Learning to love looking at that person in the mirror. Not being afraid to talk to other people. Not being afraid to put on makeup or dress nicely.
I am learning to be seen by other people. Not to be afraid to be seen.
It’s been a remarkable change… and its not done yet…
I still struggle every day with getting up and going out there. I struggle with being alone so much, with meeting people on my own, of being seen as a single woman without the security of a man who wants to be with her. I struggle with being pretty. I struggle to want to be seen, to be appreciated for who I am.
I know now that I can do it on my own. I am still afraid (who am I kidding, i’m TERRIFIED) of being alone… but I know that nothing is sure at this point and I might as well be myself and not worry about where I am gonna be in a year, in two years, in five years. I am learning there is no point in waiting to be appreciated, to be missed or wanted by someone else… I can be appreciated by MYSELF if no one else wants me.
I am working towards not worrying about being visible. I am working towards letting go of the idea that in order to be in a relationship I need to give up who I am for another person. I am learning that I can go out and have fun if my other doesn’t have time for me, I can have hobbies and interests and friends… and I can still be in a relationship and be available for a person who can truly love me…
Even if finding that person is a future endeavor…
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