Apr 29
The draw of the internet, at least for me, has always been that it has allowed me to be both visible and safely invisible.
At least for the most part.
Unless I accidentally give out my real phone number to people who threaten to send me dead rats via Canada Post* (which, in case you are wondering, really REALLY pisses Canada Post off… they do not approve of dead rats in the mail. I’m not sure they approve of LIVE rats all that much either… but if you label the box “careful, live animal” I think they will take it. But I haven’t tested the waters on that one yet)… and thus become somewhat transparent.
Being an online being means that I can be both out there — after all I write a blog (or three), do a podcast (ocassionally), write a diary, have a facebook page (not that I do a lot there), post pictures on Flickr, have an account on almost ANY messenger program you can name (its true), Twitter, and play WoW (not often anymore, though) — and at the same time stay relatively hidden — I lurk on other blogs and diaries, I don’t really do a lot of chattering on FaceBook, I don’t actively hunt down friends on messengers, I am shy about commenting on blogs, diaries, facebook, Flickr or Twitter, I am afraid of promoting my blogs or podcasts, and I generally lay pretty low.
While I like attention from other people, while I CRAVE the feedback that comes from being able to be more visible, I am still worried, a lot of the time, to draw any attention to myself.
My friends can tell you this about me: I have a “thing” about contacting people. I feel very uncomfortable about reaching out, even to “my” people (to use a Serin-ism). I have a phone, but its only a cell phone. I no longer have a home phone… even though long distance would be cheaper. Why? Because I can’t justify having a home phone and a cell phone when I barely use my cell.
Calling people makes me nervous. I’m getting better… but I still have a lot of issues actually reaching out to people other than Reg and Serin (who was the unfortunate recipient of my most recent growth due to Rapport training, back in September)… and even then I am really nervous dialing either of them.
I prefer to remain hidden, in plain sight. Its a weird mixture of being invisible and yet seen…
On the internet people only see what you let them see, they only have as much access to you as you allow (for the most part).
I write online (visible) but I don’t comment a lot on other blogs (invisible), other people’s facebook pages (invisible), or on OD (invisible). I have a facebook page (visible) but I have it locked down against a few people (invisible). I do not check out Reg’s facebook page (invisible) and I try not to make a lot of comments on his status or such things (invisible) because I kinda worry about the comments that will come from his large number of female friends about having a girlfriend (I’m kinda worried I’m not pretty enough for him sometimes).
And then I wonder my no one comments on my blog (being SEEN), OD (SEEN), Flickr Page (SEEN), or FaceBook (SEEN). I wonder why no one responds to me, friends me, contacts me or wants to chat, subscribe, email… and on and on and on.
Because (and this is IMPORTANT here so take NOTES) there is a difference between being VISIBLE and being SEEN…
Being visible is there, you’re there, you’re not actively HIDING, but you are not actively seeking out other people either. Its like having a phone but not giving anyone your number.
Being SEEN is making your prescence KNOWN to other people. And its UNCOMFORTABLE. Its going against the grain of “being seen but not heard” that my mother was so found of saying (children should be SEEN but not HEARD)… It goes against the way I have lived, never making demands for attention and always meeting my OWN needs rather than ask for what I needed from other people.
Being SEEN takes a lot of courage for some people. It means that we have to admit that we are out here, that we are more than just passive participants in the social network, but that we are active and vital and that we are open to not only the positive feedback but also the REJECTION that can come from not only openning yourself up as see-able, but to also be INTERACTIVE as a whole person responding in a social environment SEEN!!
Rejection is SCARY shit.
It is the reason that in school I didn’t speak up in class a lot (until university, when I was the ONLY person who talked) — I didn’t want to be humilated if I was wrong. I was afraid to be SEEN as intelligent.
It is the reason I don’t seek out new social groups – I don’t want to be rejected for not being “cool enough”….
It is the reason I don’t comment on other blogs – because who really wants to make their presence known only to be asked “why did you think I would be interested in what YOU have to say?”
It is the reason I don’t note other open diaries – I don’t want to bother people.
Its the reason I don’t phone up my boyfriend or friends when I am lonely – I am afraid that I am an intrusion into their busy and interesting lives and I don’t want to be an obligation.
Its the reason I stayed in a marriage that made me feel like I was not a real person who was genuinely cared about and loved by her husband – because the idea of not having someone, at the end of the day was scarier (at the time) than having ever aspect of my life controlled.
But being AFRAID to be SEEN meant I didn’t really LIVE!
When I didn’t speak out in class I didn’t get noticed by anyone. I didn’t get the opportunity to voice the thoughts that I had in my head, and I didn’t give anyone else the chance to see me as more than the shy girl in the back. When I started to speak up in university classes I became a full member of the class, I was seen as someone who KNEW their stuff and I was invited into groups and sought out for my opinion. I was SEEN.
When I didn’t talk to other people or try to go out and find groups who shared my interests I succumbed to loneliness. Once I started to seek out others — other mommies, other Pagans, other singles, other needleworkers, other knitters, other WRITERS — I started to create connections that enabled me to further venture both into who I was and OUT to different ideas and opinions that made me a more genuine and deeper person. I was SEEN and I SAW myself.
When I don’t comment on other blogs I force MY blog to remain invisible. When I do comment, occasionally other people come to check out MY blog too… and once in a while they might leave a comment. And that gives me a chance to learn about new blogs to read… So I am SEEN and I get to SEE other people too!
When I don’t note other diaries on OD I don’t give people the feedback that (maybe) THEY are looking for.
When I don’t call my friends I don’t give them a chance to SEE that sometimes I need them… and I don’t get to know what is really going on. Sometimes THEY are feeling the same way I am, that they can’t just call someone up because everyone ELSE is busy. I am SEEN by my friends and I am better able to SEE them clearly too..
When I stayed in a marriage that made me unhappy I was, quite simply, not living. I had given my power to someone else, had handed over the my intrinsic right to have friends, go out, have hobbies, and be a social tour de force in my own life. I allowed fear of being alone to make me feel like I had no power to make my life what I wanted it to be. I allowed someone else to determine what I needed, and by doing so I lost a HUGE amount of who I was. Once I realized that I no longer recognized the woman in the mirror, that I no longer had essential connections to my family, I no longer had any friends of my own, I knew I had to leave. Leaving allowed me to start to allow myself to be visible, and through reaching out and learning to date again I have become able to be SEEN…
I am fighting my way back through invisibility now… back to being merely visible to being genuinely SEEN as a human being…
And sometimes I think that’s what all of us are doing…
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* for the record, I only did this ONE time… and the person who threatened to send me a dead rat was none other than Serin, who is now one of my closest (but far away) friends. I seem to have forgiven him his penchant for sending weird things through the mail. Mostly, though, he’s all talk when it comes to mail, so there is no real threat in all his bluster…
Beautiful post! I have a slightly different relationship to the being seen thing, as asking for help & being dependent on others was the only way I knew for a long time to get my needs met. Yet, until recently, the volume & tone of my voice and whole demeanor was still one of not wanting to be seen. Knowing now how much & how deeply I *do* want to be seen, I’m glad to be in a place where I’m more willing & able to seek it out.
And I’m glad to see that you are, too
Also, I love how you color-coded your examples of being visible/invisible and seen/not seen. Thanks!