May 23
The decision to leave theEx was not an overnight one, by any means. We talked about it and fought about it for years, I attempted to leave him twice, only to be made to believe that he would start trying to make changes WITH me both times.
In the end I walked away with my cat, the kids, and our clothes and possessions, and we went to live with my mother until I could find an apartment, get a vehicle, and get back on my feet.
The fly in the ointment was that less than a week after I left my marriage the politicking that had been happening behind my back at work caught up to me and my new manager decided that the department no longer needed me.
And within 5 minutes my life fell apart on me. I was terminated from my job, humiliated in front of the people who I had considered my friends, stabbed in the back by coworkers I had covered for, and given absolutely NO reason for why it happened (I had never been given any disciplinary action from any manager I had had in those 2 years)… as I was escorted out of the building and forced to face the new reality that not only was I no longer “married” I was also no longer employed.
I just broke down completely at that point. TheEx had, spent all the refinance money that we had gotten to pay off the debts we jointly held (and had NOT shared OR taken my name off things), I had no vehicle, no job, and no home. My mother accused me, when I was upset and afraid and crying on the step, of being an “ungrateful bitch”. I felt so completely and totally alone and worthless in those first few weeks that I couldn’t bare to talk to anyone or do anything other than care for my children…
I froze.
Unable to deal with trying to reconstruct who I was, I froze into what I thought I needed to become to survive this crisis. I froze contact with my lawyer because I couldn’t pay him, because I couldnt’ answer the financial questions with no income. I stopped feeling anything other than anxiety for the future and desperation to get a new job, a home, and to keep my children.
My focus was making it through each day, getting the kids settled into a routine, getting everything we needed in order to have a home life in the cramped 3 bedroom home that we lived with with my parents. I was afraid to push theEx to pay the $1100/month child support that he had previously agreed to because all I had left of my former identity was being a mother and I was terrified that theEx would try to take my children away from me because of my situation.
I didn’t deal with trying to figure out who I was or what I needed to make me happy, I focused only on getting my life back in order:
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I focused on getting a job and getting theEx to start dealing with the situation.
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Once I got a job I focused on getting to work, getting through work, and getting home.
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I focused on getting back in contact with my lawyer.
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I focused on saving money, of paying off debts, of getting the separation agreement
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I focused on finding an apartment, of getting child support in place
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I focused on moving and getting my home in order
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I focused on setting up a stable home ON MY OWN, of getting a babysitter in place, and registering my children for school
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I focused on making ends meet, schedules, activities, meals…
But I hadn’t had the mental energy to deal with trying to find my way out of the LOST that I had tried to get out of when leaving my marriage.
I carried with my the things that I had left from my marriage — all the books and pictures and craft supplies that filled my home — but they were nothing more than filler, I didn’t know what to do with them. I filled my space but I still felt lost, I felt unsure of what to DO with all these things that I had, all these distractions I kept to remind me of who I was SUPPOSED to be.
But I keep wondering, who AM I now?
I am not the same person I was 12 years ago when I started dating theEx.
I am not the same person I was when I became a mother 8.5 years ago.
I am not the same person I was when I got my second degree 7 years ago.
I am not the same person who walked out of my marriage 2 years ago.
I am not the same person I was when I went through Rapport training 9 months ago.
I am always growing and always changing…
What has stayed the same? What has changed??? How have I changed? These are the questions that drive me to seek who I am now…
Why now??? I don’t know… but I feel its starting to get to time when I can finally unfurl and become the person I want to be, if I can only see who that person is…
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