Jun 14
I haven’t been writing lately…
I know this, you (the imaginary people who exist out there in the interwebs) this… my friends know this…
And yet there are times I feel helpless to change this situation.
Right now every time I sit down to write I end up ranting over the boring crap in my life:
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theEx and the legal, financial, and parental changes he wants to impose on my life on a continuous basis
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feeling distressingly STUCK in my life and not knowing what I want to change, much less HOW to change it…
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feeling LONELY, and not knowing how to change THAT without the drastic measure of starting to date again (because, really, there is nothing WRONG with my relationship with Reg, its that I need to start socializing with OTHER people and start getting out and being more active in my OWN interests and things)
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feeling distressed in my home — wanting to change SOMETHING there, declutter and organize, but, again, unsure where to start
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and the overreaching constant concerns about finances and debt and GOALS FOR THE FUTURE (say that in your head in a booming echo voice, please)
And I don’t WANT to write about these things anymore.
I mean, the post-separation pre-divorce stuff is frustrating, but no one cares. TheEx is not a very thoughtful person, and that is just a way of life. It’s why I left him, ultimately.
The rest is just stuckness… the more I write about not knowing what to change to make my life better, the more confused I feel about it.
There are certain things I know I NEED to do to change my life … I need to get out and do more things with more people. I need to declutter my home. I need to organize myself. I need to start exercising again. I need to start eating better. I need to be more proactive, instead of waiting until the very last minute to do things.
Its just… how?
I have had a real problem getting out and being SOCIAL. Since high school, when I was a pretty social person, I have really not had much clue about how to get to the point where I am socializing with other people. I have tried joining Mommy groups, to fall into and out of cliques due to some undefined rules of “mommyhood”. I have drifted in and out of Pagan community groups, never quite feeling right with the people in them. I have attempted to be part of needlework and knitting groups, to have scheduling issues and interpersonal conflicts cause stresses I didn’t need.
I tried going the gym and taking classes there. But the gym is not the place to make friends, not really. I mean, I might be able to meet MEN, but I don’t think I would be able to successfully meet new friends. People at the gym fall into a narrow set of categories: those there to work out to be fit, those who are serious about working out, and those who are there just to be seen (you know, the girls wearing makeup while working out?)… and although getting some exercise was good, I still felt lonely.
I don’t feel like I FIT anywhere… I’m not a cookie cutter person, by any streach of the imagination. I have a variety of interests and hobbies, but I don’t obsess like many others I know, which makes it hard for me to enter social groups with truely dedicated people.
Maybe its a failure of mine. Maybe I don’t have passion…
But that’s not how I feel.
I feel that I have passion, its just that I don’t NEED to talk about it incessantly or push my feelings on others or talk about it. I have no tv shows that I simply HAVE to watch or books I would stand in line to buy. I don’t follow any sports teams. I don’t belong to any covens or churches or any working spiritual groups. I don’t collect anything.
Are those the trappings of passion?
Where is my passion.
I just don’t know anymore, but I feel it it still there.
So I have decided to enroll in a course online to help me getting back in touch with what I need in terms of creativity and decluttering…
And I hope that it gives me a place to start.
I hear ya! I don’t really like organized stuff so it’s hard to meet people. I’ve been meeting people mostly through work and some through the church I barely go to anymore. It’s tough though!