Jun 16
Now, I am well aware that I am aware that I need to make changes in my life. I am also aware that I have been both avoiding doing the things that I KNOW that I should do to make changes, and worrying about the impact of changing my routine…
If you know me personally you know that I have been going back and forth, mentally pacing about WANTING to change and having the ideas of how I can start to change, and then FREAKING OUT because in order to make the changes I would have to commit to DOING something…
So I go from the THOUGHT (east) of what I want to change, I build in the DESIRE (south) to change things in my life, I start feeling EMOTIONAL (west) about how much I need to make these changes…
And then I get stuck there… I get caught up in the constant emotional feedback loop — I want to do this, I have to do this… but I can’t do this, I don’t know how to do this, how can I start doing this right now, where do I start… but I have to change this, I have to do this… but… — and I never make the final leap to the completion of my circle… I have so far not been able to make the move to DO (north) the things that I know I need to do.
I’m having manifest problems. Obviously my sticking point is in the mud… somewhere between the water of the west (emotions) and the eart of the north (physical/doing) I get bogged down.
At least I REALIZE this, right?
Right?
Okay… so realizing things doesn’t really HELP get things done, in fact we’ve already established that I have no problem with facing the things going on in my mental processes (the East, ironically enough). I have no end of ability to conceptualize what I want changed, I can come up with ideas and thoughts and visualizations about solutions or outcomes… but I can’t get the kick in the ass to do the WORK that I need to do to “break ground”…
Its a blockage, something I stumble over. And in stumbling, I end up sitting in the grass ruminating over the fall rather than dealing with the WHY of the stopping, I go back to thinking about something ELSE rather than making the move FORWARD to make my goals a reality. Instead of inspecting the thing getting in my way, I start thinking about other things, avoiding acknowledging that there is a THING (whether this is a physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental THING) getting in my way.
And so I have fallen into a pattern of become the thought provoker, the instigator, the idea girl… I get the ideas and then I find someone ELSE to pump up about them and send them on their way… never really completing anything myself.
And it HURTS.
But the “othersiders” (people who are on the otherside of my consciousness, aka not ME (laugh)) seem to think of these issues, these “stucknesses” as non-important and tend to brush them aside in my struggle to find myself and grow in myself. The advice I get focuses mainly on forcing the doing without getting down and looking at what the stumbling block really IS…
“Just write every day for X amount of minutes and after a while you’ll get used to it” — well, I might get used to it, but I doubt that the stuckness troll that lives under that particular bridge will just “go away”. I might be able to generate text, but in my experience the actual FEELING of forced/timed writing just to write makes me feel almost SICK. Trying to force a habit of writing doesn’t get my voice out, it doesn’t RELIEVE pressure, it creates a feeling of punishment that becomes associated with the process. It is the same thing with drawing and knitting and any other thing I resist.
Most of the advice is just the same as if I said I was afraid of bees (which, I am not, btw…):
- You’re just being silly, there isn’t anything to be afraid of
- It can’t hurt you
- Its more afraid of you than you are of it
- It doesn’t even register you as a threat
- You’re anthromorphizing this
- Stand still and it won’t notice you
- Its a good thing, you shouldn’t be afraid of it, a bee(creativity) is a good thing for the world (and then all the reasons bees are good for everything)
- stop screaming!
I’m not sure you get the point, but there it is anyway.
So… without droning (snicker) on endlessly about the stuckness, I have decided that I need to find OTHER ways, other than forcing myself to start dreading the things that I am longing to do… and thus ensuring that I STOP not only doing these things but AVOID doing them at all costs.
Which is, to change my perspective.
I intend to find out what I am stumbling over here, taking a look at the things in my environment that detract from what I want to do… taking a look at the way my enviroment, my diet, my level of exercise, my social activities, and my spirituality are all working or not working. I think there is something THERE.
So… for the next 6 weeks I am working on getting my environment in order (or at least HOPEFULLY getting it in order) and getting rid of things that I no longer need or want or serve any purpose other than to make me feel bad about things…
And so I started out on the Making Space for your Goddess To Shine Online course…
And I’ll try to keep up with how this is changing me and things and if it is helping me do anything in my life…
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