Aug 04
The Grumps
I have been away. And on my away I haven’t been writing. Its not that I don’t have subjects to write about, but that I don’t have the drive to write.
That isn’t to say that I don’t WANT to write. It is to say that I don’t have the words.
I have the feeling of pricky-icky when I try to compose something about the events of my time away, when I try to detail all the ittle-bittles of the epic journey that involved me transporting my children across half the breadth of this huge country. I have the distinct feeling of DISATISFACTION with my voice.
And my spelling. (just saying)
For the last few years writing has been a sweet pain for me. While it is both a release and a way to encapsulate things, it has also been something that has been keenly painful to continue doing — like rasping through a speach with a sore throat. I feel the need to continue on, to write and express and remember the poignant parts of my life, and I want to SHARE that with other people, and yet I feel that what I do is so quiet amidst the background noise of the rest of the bloggosphere that maybe there isn’t a POINT to talking. Why talk to myself? I already KNOW what is in my heart…
Its hard to write when you want to share, but it doesn’t seem like there is anyone out there…
You know?
I guess its been one of those eternal struggles of mine, (as i have discussed before) the ability to be so completely invisible to a lot of people, but the deep seated NEED to be seen and heard and… well… to have my words validated I guess.
I want to know, most of all, that I am not as alone in the way I feel as I sometimes… well… FEEL I am.
So I am struggling to not only find the time and the energy to write about the interesting/boring (depending on the minute) aspects of my visit to Toronto with my kids (and Serin)… but I’m trying to find my VOICE in the mess as well…
Bear with me…
I think you’re not alone in the slightest. I think I’d still write if no one was listening. There’s ALWAYS someone listening, they’re just not always obvious. I wonder about people will hundreds of followers and how they got those people – it probably involved effort and knowing lot so of people and me, I don’t put any effort into finding people, I just have people who’ve found me. Small and select group I guess.
Sometimes I wonder why I blog at all. I say that it’s for me but really I want people to read it too and join in.
You don’t write in a voice, you write and your voice is what results. You just need to talk, and after you start doing it regularly, things settle and you get used to it.
The lack of feedback is harder, I know, but if you can motivate yourself, it’s your chance to build your comfort with your voice. And *then* you’ll have a voice for when you start to socialize.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Write.
Write.
W.