Frozen Nowhere

Hi there!

 

I would love to say that while I haven’t been writing here I have been out having wondrous adventures, the kind and variety you only see on tv shows about glorious 20 somethings.

Yeah, not so much… but thanks for thinking of me, but I don’t think that I’m really the kind of person who gets to have adventures.

Not really.

 

… and I’m in my mid-30s… so probably not so much of the “big adventures”…

Mostly I have been doing the solitary single mother thing. I go to work around 7:30am… I get there around 8am… I work work work for about 9 hours (though “coffee” and “lunch”) then I go home and clean and organize and then collapse onto the internet where I am (hopefully) going to find some other solitary souls to chat at between various tasks that I have to do. Sometimes I have appointments — bank, lawyer, dentist, hair — sometimes I have a class — Irish dance — and sometimes I am just being a pathetic person and hanging out alone at home. Sometimes I am lucky enough to have my kids, sometimes I am lucky enough to have Reg and his kids, but more often than not I am completely alone.

The sad thing is that sometimes after a day of work I just WANT to spend time alone…

I’m at a crossroads. It’s not that I don’t recognize this fact, its just that I don’t quite know what I want in what order…

It matters, you know… what order I want things in. What is the most important to me? Do I want a relationship that will progress to a REAL partnership and not just a weak mirror of the sick situation that was my marriage (having a husband who was not in my life, who was not truly a partner), then I need to focus on what I am doing with Reg. If I want to get my finances in order, then its more important to put my energies into fixing that. If I want to achieve a better career or advance in my job I have to determine what it is that I have to do to get moving in that direction. If I want to try and have another child (without a relationship, because that’s quite obviously NOT going to be in the cards) I have to start looking into tubal reversals and costs and finances and plans in that direction. What is the #1 thing?

Right now I’m just scattered, and the result is that I’ve been feeling so alone and unsupported and FRUSTRATED. I have no true GOAL, I have no plan, I’m drifting and hoping that something will click and I will suddenly KNOW what it is that I need to do and how I need to start doing what it is that I need to do to get to the goal line.

One thing I know for sure is that I have to complete the journey that I began 3 years ago when I finally stood up to theEx and told him that I was going to leave him… I have to finish walking my path of tears now. That means keeping on my lawyer  to get the divorce paperwork done and filed.

 

It also means that I have to pay my lawyer.

Which is scary, because, Hello, it means I will owe the bank a HUGE chunk of money for a very long time… or as long as it takes for me to get it under control and me to squiggle my way out from under it.

The debt brick means staying put, it means not being able to really put plans into effect because, well… I have to get rid of this DEBT first. I’m allowing myself to be stopped by this manageable debt… and I know this. In my mind. In my heart I worry too much about it.

I want a life with a partner, a true partner. This isn’t a secret. It isn’t a secret that finding someone is HARD… and that obviously I have bungled this previously. It’s starting over again, seeking again, re-finding myself, and trying to find a love that can become something. Do I have that? I’m not sure. I have Reg, and I see him once in a while, I talk to him once in a while, he leaves me wanting more…

 

But there isn’t ROOM for more. I would like someone I can live with. And I can’t live with him. He lives too far away from me, and I can’t move to where he is… and he can’t move to where I live. It might not be that way forever… but for now it is. But more than that, there is no indication at all that he wants me as part of his life either… not yet, maybe not ever.

 

And yet… I’m not ready for that either. I WANT a future where I am not alone, but I’m not ready yet either. I would like to know that it is a possibility someday, after a committed relationship, that I don’t have to be coming home to an empty house every night. I have done that so much of my adult life (including a full 65% of my marriage, if not MORE) and it would be nice to have what so many people have — someone who is TRULY there for you, at the end of the day, to hold you, to help when things get hard…

 

But I refuse to RUSH into things anymore either…

Hello everyone, I’m the person who doesn’t know what she wants! I want a life partner, a live in boyfriend or husband… but I gave up that situation… and I admit I’m not READY for such a situation… just saying — desire and practicality are warring within me, and I hope that I don’t make the wrong choices, I deserve love and comfort and someone to hold me at the end of the day too… its just not as easy as I once thought it was going to.

Do you ever wake up sometimes and just have to brace yourself for the day? As if you are still a child inside, and you’re just trying to fool everyone into believing that you really do know what you are doing? And you’re not sure you’re even fooling yourself?

That’s been how it has been for me lately…

I know that someday I want to have another serious LIVE-IN relationship.
I know that I don’t want to spend my entire life living alone.
I don’t care so much about marrying again, although I won’t say that I will never consider it.
I don’t feel like I am ready RIGHT NOW to have another live in relationship
I am still really lonely a LOT

I am afraid to rush into something (again) just to avoid being alone… that didn’t work at ALL when I married theEX (we were married, but for most of that time he wasn’t around at least half the time, and when he was physically there he was rarely emotionally there for me or the kids)…

 

Sigh.

 

Maybe I just need a dog…