Frozen Nowhere

Okay, so there is a interesting internet meme thing that has been going on in the blogs that I have been reading lately, and since I’m having a craptacular day, feeling really bad about a bunch of stuff and worried about a bunch MORE, I have decided I’m gonna play along….

So here it is, in all its wonderous forms:

1. for the ground to dry up. Seriously, the yard at work looks like a swamp and I am tired of cleaning up mud in the office and from my car and off my clothes!! Added to this wonderousness is the fact that the city/town is doing construction on the ONLY road to access the office, and I’m a…

Paradigm: This is the Life I Envision
 
The thing I am realizing is this, if I am the person who has constructed my life the way it is right now, then I am the one who can change how I see things.
 
I am FREE to change the way I see things, I am free to interpret my life the way that I want.
 
This is something I have been fighting against for years. I have been too afraid to map my own life, too afraid of being “cast out” from the rest of the world…

And where has that gotten me?
 
For…

Paradigm: This is the World I Created
 
 
Wow. That’s profoundness right there.

I create the world in which I live, I construct the things that I see around me, and for the most part I am completely unaware of having done this thing.
 
I live my life according to some rules of what “they” believe I should be and how “they” believe I should live. I live a life of anxiety and fear, never quite sure what will happen if I don’t do what the amorphous “they” have decided is right for someone like me.
 
What do I mean?
 
I am a 35…

I have to admit, I have been struggling to get myself ready to read the Freak Manifesto by Pace and Kyeli, I have tried, and I have avoided, and I have worried about this for 2 weeks.

Why?

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will read it and I will find that I am not a “freak”, that I do not belong, yet again, that I cannot be…

It’s been a while
 
I admit, its been a while since I wrote. It’s been a LONG while. It’s been a long, complicated, frustrating, lonely, rushed, anxious, tearful period of time… and I just haven’t known how to write about the things that are going on, the movements forward and steps backward and the quick slips sideways that have been occuring in my life lately…
 
It’s like the times I most need to write, I am most paralyzed with fear of actually writing things down, facing them.
Things are… complicated.
 
I am in love with a wonderful man… but I have to face the fact that right now I can’t really see a way that we can

…