I’m not doing well lately.

It’s not working for me (shock, awe, gasps of horror).

Getting here has been a hard road and, despite the fact that sometimes I am a total mess, I am immensely PROUD of myself for making it happen.

1. I have a job where I am (relatively) respected and which I earn a decent salary
2. I have control over my fiances — money coming in and money going OUT are no longer a mystery to me. I can set a goal and be sure to have the ability to get to it, at least financially, without having someone dip into the accounts. Any mistakes are MINE alone.
3. I have spaces that I can meet my own needs as well as the needs of my family.
   • I have an altar space (thanks to Goddess Leonie and Lisa Baldwin for the Divine Declutter eCourse) and also Kyeli of the Freak Revolution for helping me see that its SAFE to do this)
   • I have FURNITURE that works for me.
   • I have a space to meditate
   • my kids have spaces of their own (including building space, creating space, storing space, playing space, and learning space)
4. I speak up for myself (sometimes) when I feel I am not being treated fairly, rather than just being a “good girl” and keeping the peace. I have a LONG way to go with this, obviously, but it IS starting albeit tentatively
5. My body is now my own (mostly)… I have pierced my nose, I have started to choose what my STYLE might be, and I’m starting to allow myself to feel “part-of” my body. Yes, I am still nervous about making changes
6. I am becoming self-aware.

I feel, very much, like I just “woke up” from a nightmare

I refused to THINK that it was abuse, because the thought scared me too much.

I missed having FRIENDS

I want to start living in connection.

I have to admit it… I’m in a slump lately.

Things just haven’t seemed… right… for a few weeks and I have been struggling, valiantly and not so valiantly in randomized patterns, to try and figure out what it IS that is “not right”…

Lack of Support is a huge slice of Unhappy Pie

It is certainly something that i have been aware of for months, if not years… always at the back of my mind, niggling and squiggling at my consciousness.

I was (and still am) a sensitive child. I wanted the safe, secure, loving relationship that I saw with my friends and their families. I wanted to be WANTED in the family unit.

I felt rejection a lot as a child. I became a lonely, withdrawn child who played primarily alone, progressed into a lonely, shy teenager who had very few friends, and bloomed into a very introverted and anxious adult who wanted nothing more than to be accepted and wanted.

I just want to be WANTED somewhere…

The problem is that I became a person even I didn’t want or love. I internalized the rejection that came from outside and I started to tear myself down from the inside. I was a shell, seeking someone to pour love into me, to fill me up and give me purpose.

Love… all we need is love…

I turned to boys to try to find love and acceptance. I allowed boys (because they certainly were not MEN) to abuse me emotionally, verbally, sexually, spiritually, financially, and physically if they “loved” me. I wanted so much to be worthy of something that I didn’t worry about whether those I was seeking love/approval FROM were WORTHY OF ME.

I was a statistic

When people wonder WHY a girl or woman stays with someone who talks to her like she is a child – I was that woman

When people wonder why a girl or woman doesn’t leave the first time a man hits her – I was that woman

When they ask how “stupid” a girl has to be to give all her money to a man – I was that woman

When people shake their heads at women or girls who allow their partners to scare them out of talking to family and friends or going out socially – I was that woman

When people are shocked to hear about a woman staying with someone who cheats on her and then turns around and accuses HER of making him do it (or of doing it herself) – I was that woman

When someone states that THEY would never allow someone to tell them what to do with THEIR bodies if THEY were pregnant – I was almost that woman…

I was a statistic.

My inner child wanted so much to belong and be loved that she would put up with any kind of mistreatment (because she truly BELIEVED she had done something to DESERVE it) to be something for someone.

Until the day I snapped.

The snap was a surprise to me (and my husband) because I had been ignoring the feelings of dissatisfaction and bubbling anger and resentment towards my marriage for years. True, things originally started to unravel about the time I found out I was pregnant with GirlChild and the resultant conversations and whispered “truths” that surrounded the decision I made to keep her, but the actually SNAP happened 5 years later when the promises of changes and “trying” never materialized and I realized that I did NOT need a man to fill me up and tear me down anymore.

And

I

LEFT

I did something that was so terrible in my mind, the thing that I had always feared theEx would do to me when he realized I was not worthy of his greatness — I gathered up the things that I felt were mine, I bundled up my children and a few possessions, and I walked out of the marital home.

I left.

Even to this day (2.5 years later) the thought of how much courage it took for me to stand up to someone who hurt and belittled and controlled both my life and the lives of our children and who used sex and money to hurt or bribe me into compliance, and who manipulated and twisted and hurt me in so many ways…

I’m amazed that I did it.

And now I’m in the process of unlearning all the hurtful patterns I have learned through my life. I’m waking up to new possibilities in how to relate not only to myself and my family, but to others in my life. I am reaching out, risking rejection, and hoping to make connections with the wider world.

And I’ve seen another way of being

Three weeks ago I went out of my comfort zones, out of my box, out of my COUNTRY, and I visited Pace and Kyeli (of the Freak Revolution, The Usual Error, AND the Up-coming 52 Weeks to Awesome) for their (illegal in the state of Texas and apparently most of the USA) wedding.

I travelled the width of the US (almost) from Saskatoon to Austin, to visit people I had NEVER EVER met.

I had NO idea what to expect… part of me believed I would remain an outsider looking in, the way I always had. I had worried that I wouldn’t be able to let anyone inside to see the real me, that I’d either talk too much or be too shy (both horrible downfalls for me) and that I would be completely unlikeable. And how horrible would it be to be so far from home and not be able to fit in!

What I found was acceptance

I met people who I felt didn’t have a preconceived notion of how I should be. People who were open and loving and accepting, who had been where I had been, who had made it through the things that I am struggling with — they had made it through without losing their sense of self, in fact they seemed to have become more fully themselves through the very processes that I had seen tear down others around me.

Maybe they could see me despite the stucknesses and hurts that sometimes cloud the me I know I can be come?

I saw a hope for a shy, lonely woman who had become afraid to reach out…

I saw the power of connection.

I saw HOPE for connections and support and love despite not being perfect.

I saw a different way to relate to the world.

Now I have to find a way to put that into practice in my own life, a way to forge connections and not fear that I will be automatically rejected…

(that isn’t referring to depression, just the fact that there is less daylight now )

• I SHOULD clean my house, things are just not as clean or uncluttered as I want them to be
• I NEED to get things out of my house (recycling to be taken in, old clothes to donate)
• I WANT to get my Spiritual work started
• I want to bake
• I want to wind down with movies and bubble baths and mediation
• I want to take time to reflect

• 
  
  Work is busy and draining 


• 
  
  post-workular activities


• 
  
  drainage in the love department


• 
  
  leaving the country


• 
  
  meeting friends that I had previously only connected with via computer screen


• 
  
  opening up for acceptance


• 
  
  travelling


• 
  
  job training


• 
  
  parenting stresses


• 
  
  camping

And then I came back to my real life…

• 
  
  I have a job that is dull and uninspiring and in which there are days I am made to feel like a colossal failure and waste of time, but which also gives me huge flexibility in hours and workdays that I need to deal with the minute bits of being a single parent.


• 
  
  I feel trapped by a parenting agreement in which I am only entitled to 50% time with my children. While I would LOVE to have them 100%, the courts have basically stated that to fight theEx would be prohibitively expensive (aka, bankruptcy) and that at the end of the day 90% chance that they would just enforce what we are doing NOW OR at 10% chance that I would either win full custody or LOSE custody altogether. And 50% with the ability to move up and forward with our lives is tons better than 100% but living in a shelter OR not getting to see them at all.




• 
  
  still… I do often wish that something would happen that would force theEx to move out of the province and then I would have a reasonably good chance of full custody.


• 
  
  For him its about the money… the more time he has them the less money he has to PAY me to help me raise them. For me, I would give up the extra money just to have a stable life WITH my kids. The courts don’t see it that way.


• 
  
   I have a boyfriend that isn’t interested in me. Yep, it went from being really good and looking up, then all of a sudden he went cold. VERY cold. I feel… undesirable, unsexy, unwanted, and lonely. Talking doesn’t seem to change it… its just that he really wants nothing more than to be left ALONE… and as much as it hurts to admit it, it might just be time to leave him alone and try to find someone who DOES want me. 


• 
  
  I feel damaged by the process of divorce. I feel used up and unwanted and OLD. This will fade, though.