Friends, Romans, Countrymen…
November13
Friends, Romans, Countrymen…
Okay, so I don’t know if I have anything profound to say today… but as that has never once stopped me from novelizing the minutia of my life, the fact that I have been relatively absent should likely twig anyone who knows me that something has been up.
So, What’s UP?
Because I have been doing the WILD GROWING THING lately, there are a lot of things going on:
Work is busy and draining
post-workular activities
drainage in the love department
leaving the country
meeting friends that I had previously only connected with via computer screen
opening up for acceptance
travelling
job training
parenting stresses
camping
In the past week I have done things I NEVER thought 3 years ago that I would be able to do on my own — I travelled to another country by myself to a place where I literally did not know a single person when I got there, and when I left I felt like I had a million new friends (this feeling is fading, of course, because while I felt connecty, I didn’t remember to get email addresses or any sort of actual way to connect to these people again, oops). I saw a grand total of 5 completely different airports. I was bitched out by US Customs and Immigration. And I felt like I was an acceptable and worthy person.
I was invited to a wedding in Texas by one of the brides, and I actually WENT!!
It’s still overwhelming in awesome that I could DO this, that I didn’t talk myself out of something, that I did it.
This brought up a HUGE, ENORMOUS, WONDEROUSNESS of AWESOME that I had thought was lost to me in my life. It opened up huge realms of possibility, of new ways of looking at the world, of new ways to see things. I rekindled my spiritual spark.
And then I came back to my real life… 
Now… my real life doesn’t necessarily make me happy.
I have a job that is dull and uninspiring and in which there are days I am made to feel like a colossal failure and waste of time, but which also gives me huge flexibility in hours and workdays that I need to deal with the minute bits of being a single parent.
I feel trapped by a parenting agreement in which I am only entitled to 50% time with my children. While I would LOVE to have them 100%, the courts have basically stated that to fight theEx would be prohibitively expensive (aka, bankruptcy) and that at the end of the day 90% chance that they would just enforce what we are doing NOW OR at 10% chance that I would either win full custody or LOSE custody altogether. And 50% with the ability to move up and forward with our lives is tons better than 100% but living in a shelter OR not getting to see them at all.
still… I do often wish that something would happen that would force theEx to move out of the province and then I would have a reasonably good chance of full custody.
For him its about the money… the more time he has them the less money he has to PAY me to help me raise them. For me, I would give up the extra money just to have a stable life WITH my kids. The courts don’t see it that way.
I have a boyfriend that isn’t interested in me. Yep, it went from being really good and looking up, then all of a sudden he went cold. VERY cold. I feel… undesirable, unsexy, unwanted, and lonely. Talking doesn’t seem to change it… its just that he really wants nothing more than to be left ALONE… and as much as it hurts to admit it, it might just be time to leave him alone and try to find someone who DOES want me.
I feel damaged by the process of divorce. I feel used up and unwanted and OLD. This will fade, though.
But the biggest revelation that I got was this:
My blog feels DISJOINTED the way it is.
The way it is (and has been for 1.5 years) is that the domain name is Frozen Nowhere but the Blog Title is Facing East Again.
Do YOU see a problem with that?
When I started the blog I wanted to focus more on the process of coming out of my shell and starting my life over again. There was a lot of confusion inside me, a LOT of feelings of coldness and loneliness and hurt, that I wanted to get out of me — I felt like I was in the middle of a “frozen nowhere” place (both literally, as I lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere in a VERY cold province where 6 months are usually snowy, and figuratively, because I felt so alone and scared).
But I also found myself starting over again… “facing east again” (a term which reflects the common format of a Pagan ritual, where you start casting a circle by facing east)… and I felt called to reclaim my spirituality.
But I have yet to really feel comfortable talking about my spirituality in the middle of talking about other parts of my life. And so the podcast I started faded into the distance, and my blog turned more and more to the mundane…
Until I realized that the look and title are spiritual, but the content ISN’T… and that the jarring differences in this made it harder and harder for me to write about ANYTHING.
And so…
(AND SO… SO… SO… SO… I will show you another good game that I know)
I have decided to start a SECOND blog to deal with the unfolding and reclaiming of my spirituality… and the process of those explorations:
FacingEastAgain.com will be coming soon (likely not until Monday the 16th at the EARLIEST) wherein I will be talking about the spiritual parts of my life and how they are calling to me and how I am growing and changing in those ways.
FacingEastAgain.com will be coming soon (likely not until Monday the 16th at the EARLIEST) wherein I will be talking about the spiritual parts of my life and how they are calling to me and how I am growing and changing in those ways.
And FrozenNowhere.com will be the more mundane aspects of recovering from my own processes of hiding from myself — my struggle with divorce, my creative projects, my hobbies, things that twig my interests, and the millions of ways I am pushing myself to live a fuller, happier life and be a more creative and loving person…
Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
