Nov 19
(that isn’t referring to depression, just the fact that there is less daylight now 
)
)I am STRUGGLING to wake up…
I am struggling to find a way to feel AWAKE again, to feel like I am present in my life. Struggling to find the TIME to make time for ME and what I need to do to feel alive and well…
Since I came back from my mini vacation/training last week I have been dragging.
With work (and therefore training for work) being something I feel DRAINS me and gives me nothing much back, the prior depletion of my resources just succeeded in making me feel more drained than usual. Dealing with a room full of passive-agressive women who are desperate to prove that they are the only one who knows how to this job… well… it drained me dry by the time I finally plodded into my own house a little after 1am last wednesday morning…
And I haven’t been able to catch up yet, even with a day off, being able to sleep in (of course)… I am still left feeling drained and unable to fully rest my weary soul, to spend time in reflection and writing and creation of something beautiful that I desperately need to do in order to feel WHOLE again.
I promised myself that I would TRY to make time for “soul time” a little each day… and it just hasn’t happened yet.
So many things got in the way the result of which is that 2 weeks after setting sail to Texas to change my world, I sit at my desk feeling completely and utterly DRAINED of all energy, unable to wake up and feeling behind on EVERYTHING (so I marked all 1000+ messages in my Reader as read, deleted a lot of email I didn’t need to respond to, and avoided a bunch of interactions I just can’t deal with right now)… jittering from coffee and feeling SO guilty about so many things like:
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I SHOULD clean my house, things are just not as clean or uncluttered as I want them to be
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I NEED to get things out of my house (recycling to be taken in, old clothes to donate)
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I WANT to get my Spiritual work started
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I want to bake
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I want to wind down with movies and bubble baths and mediation
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I want to take time to reflect
All in all I have noticed feeling crowded and cluttered in my home (again) and needing what feels like clear, clean space to get beyond the crap that is holding me down… but that the muck is deep right now.
I am getting out of the hole, though.
Today I started writing an email the senior partner for the lawyer who is supposedly handling my divorce to let them know the deplorable way that “my” lawyer has been handling my case and my feelings during this excrutiating 2 years of divorce process — how he’s failed to respond, failed to allow me to fight for my children or my rights, and dragged the closure of this process on me for 5 additional months and I am now in a place I feel comfortable speaking up.
I can speak up, its not a crime
For 2 years I have been putting up with a husband that belittled and threatened to take away my children or the child support he has to pay at every turn, while driving debt up and blaming ME for his personal and financial failures.
For 2 years I have been ignored and treated like my case doesn’t matter by the very lawyer I was paying excessive fees to assist me in getting my parenting agreement, separation agreement, and divorce papers done through.
And I am at a place where I am not going to take it anymore. I can’t. I need CLOSURE and I need my Ex to learn that he can’t control me by intimidation and threats because that’s not only not nice, but illegal.
I want to be free from the burden of blame for the failure of a marriage that failed with TWO adults involved, not one master and one servant who failed to live up to her orders.
I want to be heard. Even if it makes me a bitch. Even if it makes me sound whiney or petulant or demanding or unreasonable. I want it, and more than that I NEED it. I need to be heard as a PERSON, not as yet another wrung out single mother being processed through the law…
It’s time to start realizing that demanding respect and asking for what I need is not only good for me, its vital for the well being of my relationships with the world…
Maybe going through the hard stuff has a purpose after all…
sometimes standing up for yourself (and for your children) is the hardest thing to do, even when you know you are in the right. Good luck with the lawyers.