Reaching UP, Reaching OUT
November27
I have a confession to make:
I’m not doing well lately.
I have been trying to hide it, trying to put a happy face on, trying to ignore all the things that feel like they are falling down around me while I try to shore up everything at once, trying to believe that I can do this on my own without even the merest sense of friendship or support coming my way.
It’s not working for me (shock, awe, gasps of horror).
I mean, trying to do it all on my own has likely not been working for me for YEARS (and I say this honestly, I was doing it all on my own BEFORE I even considered leaving my husband due to his unwillingness to be present in our family or partnership life) and I have been ignoring it or not really being aware of how hurt I was, how damaged I was.
Getting here has been a hard road and, despite the fact that sometimes I am a total mess, I am immensely PROUD of myself for making it happen.
I have come a VERY long way in 2.5 years on my own, away from my marriage…
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I have a job where I am (relatively) respected and which I earn a decent salary
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I have control over my fiances — money coming in and money going OUT are no longer a mystery to me. I can set a goal and be sure to have the ability to get to it, at least financially, without having someone dip into the accounts. Any mistakes are MINE alone.
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I have spaces that I can meet my own needs as well as the needs of my family.
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I have an altar space (thanks to Goddess Leonie and Lisa Baldwin for the Divine Declutter eCourse) and also Kyeli of the Freak Revolution for helping me see that its SAFE to do this)
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I have FURNITURE that works for me.
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I have a space to meditate
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my kids have spaces of their own (including building space, creating space, storing space, playing space, and learning space)
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I speak up for myself (sometimes) when I feel I am not being treated fairly, rather than just being a “good girl” and keeping the peace. I have a LONG way to go with this, obviously, but it IS starting albeit tentatively
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My body is now my own (mostly)… I have pierced my nose, I have started to choose what my STYLE might be, and I’m starting to allow myself to feel “part-of” my body. Yes, I am still nervous about making changes
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I am becoming self-aware.
I feel, very much, like I just “woke up” from a nightmare
I lived 13 years in a situation of emotional, spiritual, financial and verbal abuse that I knew didn’t feel right. But I deluded myself into thinking that it wasn’t abuse, that I had what was coming to me. I told myself over and over that he had the right to do the things he did, and that I just overreacted to the things that he said to me.
I refused to THINK that it was abuse, because the thought scared me too much.
I made excuses. I played the mental mind games with myself. I allowed the behaviour to continue without check. I forgave him, I blamed me. I INTERNALIZED the excuses and reasons I was given.
In that process I “fell asleep” as a way to deal with the feelings the abuse brought up in me… I just faded out when the abusive language would start, and as the abuse became more and more common, as I gave up more and more of my independance and self-image in order to keep the peace in my home, I stopped being aware of what I was missing.
I missed having FRIENDS
One of the things I gave up early on in my relationship with theEx was having friendships that did not involve him. Which meant that the friends I had were mostly his friends and their wives, his family, and his coworkers. I didn’t have friends independent of my marriage. I didn’t go out with girlfriends on my own. I didn’t go out with my family on my own. I didn’t get involved in social groups and activities on my own… my ex was almost always with me.
Over time the stress of his disapproval of certain friends, groups, activities caused me to avoid these activities or groups. I no longer phoned certain friends of family members. I no longer sought out new friends or new independant activites. And I become lonelier and lonelier and more and more withdrawn and angry with everyone around me.
Now I am free… but I don’t know how to feel SAFE with new people, and more and more and more I am feeling desperate in wanting to find other people to connect to. I want to find a sense of belonging, of having people I can reach out to, who I can lean on, and who I can be part of the good times and the bad times, to help others and to be helped through the darkness…
I want to start living in connection.
I just don’t know how yet.
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This sounds like my life. I too was married to the wrong person, and was very isolated. Although I have been a solitary person all my life, it is still hard now to make friends and truly connect to people on a deeper level. I applaud your efforts to reach out to others, and if you need anyone to talk to, just let me know. I’d be happy to make a new friend!
~Kim
Hi:
I just wanted to say – I hear you and I hear that you’re struggling. There is connection and community for you – all over the place. I don’t know your name – found your VPA on Havi’s blog – but you have done me a huge favor today by putting words on so many of my own feelings, both past and present.
Thanks for your gift of sharing yourself with others and connecting in such a real way.
xoxo
Just saw your comment on Havi’s blog and followed your link – HUGE cheers for YOU!! You’ve already moved mountains.
I have an idea that, with your courage and open-ness (being vulnerable here and on Havi’s blog- so out in the open with your feelings), you’re going to grow deep and beautiful friendships – trust your gut (which isn’t the same as saying “it’ll be a breeze” but hey, i kinda think you already proved your ability to handle things)…
Don’t be afraid. It is part of your growth. Change is difficult in the beginning, but as you experience the discomfort and stood by it, you evolve. This blog of yours is one channel; and you’re already making a connection.
I think it’s good that you’re able to see this perspective and face it. You are having to fight, but you are also making progress. I’m very proud to witness your growing and healing.
Oh yes. What Sunil said, completely. “Getting here has been a hard road and, despite the fact that sometimes I am a total mess, I am immensely PROUD of myself for making it happen.” You SHOULD be, darling woman. You have done something that many never have the strength to do, and it *is* hard, but you’re *doing* it.