WORD OF THE YEAR: CONNECTION
2007 was a year of FREEDOM — freedom from abuse, freedom from my husband, freedom from a toxic work environment, and freedom from former expectations of who I was.
2008 was a year of HEALING — healing from the abuse, healing from financial turmoil, healing from fear, healing anxiety, and healing my soul.
2009 has been a year of GROWTH — growing more financially stable, moving towards goals, growing as a family of 3 instead of 4(as with x) or 5 (when we lived with my parents), growing more comfortable with who I am now, and moving upwards and onwards
This year has been about change and movement forward. It has been about getting back out there, getting back writing, and getting my head back in the game. During 2009 I took chances, took control and made things happen.
In particular, 2009 marks the year I:
- worked out a separation agreement with theEx
- broke ties with the Stalker without having to call the police
- dealt with a vetrinary emergency with Arthur
- took my children on their first airplane ride and our first family vacation
- touched a beluga whale
- dealt with my legal matters without too many tears
- got a passport
- left the country
- made connections with people online that I haven’t met yet
- met online friends in person
- made the decision to start my personal spiritual journey
- took the initiative to get help for my son from bullies and naysayer
- joined the BoyScout movement with my kids as a leader
- started taking Irish dance
- decided to change my parenting style
- finally took complete emotional and intellectual responsibility for my finances and created a financial plan
- preformed a simple reel in public
- was prequalified for a mortgage
- was approved for a down payment program to enable me to own a home
- paid off the remainder of my student loans
I have made changes, and I haven’t stopped making changes either. I have been evaluating my life, my interests, my relationships and the ways that I have been working in the world. I have taken the initiative to start delving into my past, working through the issues that destroyed my marriage, and dealing with the emotional violence that I experienced. I have signed up to join a group for women who have experienced abuse in relationships (if the schedule fits mine), I am committed to becoming a better and more positive mother and loving MYSELF.
The last month of 2009 has found me make profound changes for the coming year — I will be moving from the apartment I have lived in since 2008 and into a home of my very own which will be a MUCH healthier environment from where I am now. I have hope that I will no longer have to live in a situation where I feel trapped by the noise and disrespectful behaviour of people sharing the house (its a house with 2 suites) — away from the constant parties above my head, the dog poop and cigarette butts all over the shared areas, being awoken several times a night by people yelling in the stairwell or outside my bedroom window or by children startled awake by yelling drunk people or a barking dog, having requests to readjust the rental agreement I have with the landlord because they don’t feel it is fair, or having to clean up and take responsibility for upkeep that isn’t my job — and that it will be a much healthier environment for my children.
2010 will be a year of CONNECTIONS — connections between people, letting go of toxic relationships, fostering and improving old relationships, reconnecting with old friends, connecting with new friends, finding new activities to become part of the community, and most importantly, connection to my spirituality.
I know changes are coming. My living situation will change, my financial situation will change, and that will mean that the situation with Reg and his kids will necessarily have to change. Because my budget will be tighter for a short time (if things all go the way I expect), I will be looking to cut back on a lot of my spending… and, unfortunately, one of the largest expenses I have, after housing and child care, is groceries. Stocking a house for myself and my children is expensive enough, but adding 3 additional people, even for a few meals a week, really adds up after a while.
I need to rethink our eating habits. I want to maintain eating healthy, but I need to find a way to create a meal plan that works for US — with the Monday night rush to Beavers and Cubs, the foods the kids prefer to avoid and the things that they LIKE, and finding meals that I can eat when they are with their father. We need to make eating out a much less frequent event, rather than relying on McDonald’s when we’re rushed, or picking up a few things at the grocery store EVERY day, or getting Tim Hortons or Starbucks (unless I have gift cards) and making coffee at home. I will need to make suppers that we can take for bag lunches the next day.
I need to be more aware of spending. I need to stop thinking of shopping as an activity and only buy what I really need. I need to stop carrying my bank card in my wallet, because that makes it too easy to just get things I don’t need. No more buying movies, blank books, books, or magazines spur of the moment. I have a ton of books and projects to do, blank journals, and pretty much anything that I can think of. We can go to movies at the cheap theatre, rather than first run. I need to consider cutting back my tv package to only the channel packages that we watch (kids stuff, tlc, A&E and Food, as well as networks)… meaning I am getting rid of the movie channels and things I rarely watch.
I need to focus on my financial goals — pay off my Visa balance ($500) get my lawyer to finalize the divorce and pay HIM off, then pay off the line of credit. Maintain debt freedom (other than the mortgage) and replace the RRSPs and savings over time.
I want to shift my life focus from money to FAMILY. I want to spend more quality time talking and doing things with my children. I want blocks of time where we are hanging out doing things WE like… not hosting other people, not rushing to do things, not shopping… but spending time building our lives together. I want to get them involved more in spirituality, I want them to explore what they feel is right and wrong, I want to spend more time being active with them and letting them learn about the world with ME. I want to shift the focus on healing us from the break in our core family. I want to become the mother I always wanted to be, loving, patient, nurturing, and kind… And part of that is to focus on being a mother and not on being a girlfriend or finding another place in the world.
I want to find connection with OTHERS.
I want to continue dance. I want to continue in Boy Scouts with the kids. I want to start doing Tae Kwon Do with my son as a bonding activity. I want to go to the abuse survivors group. I want to make more friends. I want to join in more activities with other people. I want to be part of the community again.
I want to reconnect with my spirituality.
I have started writing on Facing East Again, as a commitment to start thinking and exploring spirituality again. I have started the Sacred Journey, and will continue to think, write and act on spirituality. I am considering joining the ADF and the Unitarian Church. I am exploring Wicca again, Asatru, Druidism and general ecclectic Paganism. I am reading books about creativity and journalling as part of my divine journey…
I am going to commit to MYSELF.
I have signed up for 52 Weeks to Awesome with Pace and Kyeli. I have decided to declutter my life. I am reading through all sorts of books, touching sparks of my inner creativity, and learning who I am. I am nourishing my soul by spending time with my children, reaching MY goals, and doing things that spark MY interest. I am going to heal my inner wounds — get support for the abuse and divorce, become a better mother, and be aware of how blessed I am.
No resolutions here… just knowledge of my goals for the year ahead…
Cuz every time I hear the bits I have I just get sparkles up and down my spine and I feel energized.
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