Loneliness-Be-Gone
December4
Much of my life makes me lonely …
I live (primarily) alone with cats. I have my kids only 2 weeks out of a month, and because my schedule is divided like this it makes it harder to take classes or join groups that require concrete commitments. I want to go out and DO things, but when I have my kids I also want to spend my evenings with THEM, not send them to a babysitter, not after they have been at a babysitter most of the afternoon.
I am conflicted.
I want to go out and join in things, but I don’t want to give up TOO much of my children’s time… and I don’t want to drag them along to things that are not appropriate for them, either. Unlike my ex I do not have family I can call on to fill in if I want to or have to do things in the evenings. Sometimes that is frustrating to me. I have so little time with them right now — 30 mins in the mornings, 2 hours in the evenings and weekends — that it feels SUPER selfish to ask them to spend LESS time with me.
Like it or not, my marriage wounded something within me
I came out feeling like no matter how wonderful I was I couldnt’ make friends. I came out with the idea that I was invisible and that no matter what I did I would be lonely.
The VERY VERY worst part of this? The effect it has had on my KIDS.
My son now has this internalized — this image that no one will like him, that he will never have friends, that people HATE him — and that is my fault. He witnessed my struggles with other women over the years, the feelings that I had about not being able to feel connected and accepted, and he is now mirroring those sadnesses and fears and feelings of inadequacy in relation to others.
My daughter is insecure. She has friends, but she worries all the time that she’s not good enough. She needs attention all the time, reassurance and hand holding to get through the simplest of tasks. She looks at things and sees her differences and not the things that are shared between other people. She worries that she’ll get “fat”… she’s SIX.
It is TIME TO CHANGE the situation… to make the most of what we have and work forward
The first step in making a change is to RECOGNIZE that things aren’t working the way they are now, and I’ve done that (in spades*)…
And now I need to look forward and brainstorm all the ways to make the situation SHIFT…
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The kids and I have recently become involved with the Boy Scouts of Canada. GirlChild is a Beaver, BoyChild is a Cub, and I am a Beaver Leader (Nickname: Rainbow). Through the Boy Scouts of Canada we have started to make new friends and connections… we are getting involved in the neighborhood in which the kids go to school, even though we don’t live in that area.
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I have started taking an Irish Dance class at the Queen Maeve School of Irish Dance, the same dance school that my daughter has been taking Irish Dance for 2 years. I am making friends with some of the women in my class (although the class enrollment has dwindled from 8 to 4 as of Dec 1). I might not be perfect at it, but I like it, and I am gonna keep going!
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I have a blog. While at first that wouldn’t seem to be anything that would reduce loneliness, I have to say that about half of my good friends do not live anywhere (even remotely) near me. Yes, that makes it very difficult to go out for coffee or to a movie together. Because for so many years I was a stay-at-home parent 100% of the time, when I wanted to talk to people without spending a lot on babysitters, I reached out online… I met a lot of perfectly wonderful people online, and I continue to do so. And while my blog(s) do not have a steady and solid readership yet, I still write in hopes of finding more connections and weaving a stronger web of friendships out “There”…
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I’m looking into classes and courses to keep myself LEARNING. So far the roadblock that I have come across is my reluctance to give up precious time with my kids (and not having to pay babysitters all the time). I’m looking into Yoga and maybe another dance type thing?
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I am trying to find support type groups in my city– ones that either have child care or are flexible in allowing people to attend when they can. So far it hasn’t been easy to find. I am hopeful, though, that in the new year I will be able to schedule into a group for women escaping abusive relationships. If nothing else I will be entering into counselling for myself as well as my son (who started last week) so we can heal the wounds of abuse, and so I can become a better mother.
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Joining groups — single parent groups? Pagan groups? Unitarian Church? Book Club? ANYTHING that I can fit into my schudule AND I can afford
I am also committing myself (and my children) to having more creative and active time…
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With the help of my kids I hope to re-learn how to create without worrying what others think
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to doing yoga in the living room and not worrying about if we’re doing it right
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meditating
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journaling on my journey out of abuse and into love
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teaching my kids to skate
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teaching my kids to BAKE
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being part of the community — finding a FAMILY FRIENDLY organization that we can volunteer with
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Allowing my kids to give back to others
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Making messes without worrying about the “state of the house”, because eventually someone will clean it up
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Writing down the stories of MY CHILDREN for them (oh the joys of being able to type fast) and myself
And most importantly:
To FORGIVE myself for having been the kind of mother that I had been to survive the abuse and the in-between time… knowing that I can be the kind of mother that can teach her children to THRIVE not just SURVIVE…
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Good. You should make the kids do an index card challenge. That was fun.
You SO rock!!
Don’t know what kinds of groups are available your way – but some unschooling groups (like homeschooling…but…how do i say this? without the yuck – lol) are open to everyone (dont need to be unschooling your kids) – and they always do family oriented (often wildly cool) things – might be something to keep an eye open for…that would work for you in that you can’t commit to every week stuff — when my grand-daugher and I got involved with a group like this in our area we could only come when we could come, and that was how everyone else was as well…
Sounds great! If you really work at it now, you can help your children’s insecurities at the same time you help your own.
You are good to notice and to care.