Dec 22
Inevitably sometime around this time of year SOMEONE asks me what I might want for “Christmas”*… and I always draw a blank.
I’m 35 years old now. No one gives me gifts (for the most part) anymore… I don’t have a husband to give me presents, and my family has pretty much decided that anything I want I can damned well buy myself. So I don’t usually get gifts anymore…
When I was younger I used to always have a list of things that I wanted, from the small things like boxes of paperclips (I was always an odd child) to grander things (like adventures) it was an ongoingly updated jumble in the back of whatever journal I was writing in at the time. Sometimes there were just clips of things I found in magazines or newspapers, other times just words… or a small sketchy thing… but it was a constant
Somewhere around the time I got married I stopped doing this list.
I lost my desire for gifts amoung the guilt of asking for anything.
I struggle with feeling a lot of guilt over asking for anything (or recieving anything) that I am really REALLY working on being able to ask for what I need (and maybe wants will come along after that??), but there is still the feeling that WANTING is dirty somehow, that gift GETTING is wrong.
It comes from the internal voices telling me that no one really cares, so asking for things will just set you up for disappointment. Unfortunately, for a huge percentage of my life it was a belief born out of truths, and to avoid being hurt I didn’t ask for things and I didn’t expect to be remembered by anyone or celebrated (hence I threw my own bridal shower, baby shower and birthday parties because if I didn’t do it myself it wouldn’t happen)…
I’m trying to change patterns, but this one is a HARD one.
Things I would ask for (if that wasn’t icky)
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Candles… beautiful HUGE candles, the kind in jars? I LOVE those…
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a french press coffee pot. I am thinking of getting rid of my old coffee pot soon, and I would like to use one of these instead, since I only ever make one or two cups at a time and a single cup pot is not efficient
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gift cards for things I need –Home Depot, Walmart, bookstores, Starbucks, Tim Hortons — so I can get things as I need them (and yes, every so often Starbucks IS a need)
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Spa time, I could seriously use a massage (I know its covered under my health insurance, but I don’t know where to GO either)
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Maid Service for a day — honestly, I am setting up something BIG in my life in a few months, and I could totally use a day where professionals HELP me clean my entire place
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An altar box — basically I have been looking for an oak “hope” chest type thing for YEARS (10 years) and I haven’t found anything remotely workable. The idea is that I INTEND to put an altar in my HOUSE in a few months, and I want something where I can store things for different seasons within easy reach…
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tea pot — i seriously do not have one anymore, not sure where it went
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some way to unclog my bathroom drains… I have NOT figured out how to get the built in stoppers out, and with GirlChild and I having longer hair, the bathtub and sink drains have plugged up and I have NO freaking idea how to unplug either of them
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a totally CLEAN kitchen for more than 10 minutes
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to get the Dance of Shiva(Shiva Nata) beginner package from the Fluent Self, because I want to start doing yoga-ish practice at home
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personal/home stereo thingy for iPod I want to be able to play music so I can hear it more than 2 feet from my computer.
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Sound healing/Sacred Sound session with Fabeku
Cuz every time I hear the bits I have I just get sparkles up and down my spine and I feel energized. -
fancy socks… or sock yarn to MAKE fancy socks
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grocery store cards… so I don’t have to worry about buying groceries
And, of course… more than ANYTHING I would like a little freaking FUN in my life in the upcoming year…
Take that as you will….
And in case anyone is curious… I am still waiting for the city to tell me whether I am approved for the house that I bid on. I have been approved for my mortgage, dependant on if I get the approval from the city.
Sigh.
I hoped this would be done before Christmas…
*firstly I don’t really DO Christmas as much as I do the “christmas season” thing… it just doens’t feel “RIGHT” to me, given I don’t believe in Christ and most of his followers (although not all of them) give me hives…
This may be crazy but what if you posted your shiva nata request on the shivanata.com blog. Maybe someone who is way advanced would send you their copy of the DVD. I dont want to deprive Havi of income but I also sense it is a generous community. I would do it myself but just got started…
My chiropractor has massage therepist and accupuntrioust at his clinic. I can give you his name and address. Just let me know if you want it.
As for the rest. I could have used this list a few days ago.
I will look this up next year. It will help….. 
Thanks Pearl!!
I never actually thought of that, since it was always pushed that only the “right” people would both seek out the information AND be able to afford it. With the divorce finalizing (hopefully in the next month or two) and buying my very first very own home… using the credit card is a big no-no if I don’t want to fall into a potential bankruptcy.
I wonder if anyone might be willing to share, though.. until I get the ducks in a row