Frozen Nowhere

Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a…

So… here we are at the end of the week.

Let’s recap how this week went:

The Bad Stuff

Officially breaking off my relationship with R.
 SOOO much harder than I expected, given that I was pretty much “girding my loins” (snicker) to do just this for the last few weeks as I realized that we
1) viewed our relationship very differently,
2) were going in pretty much OPPOSITE directions, and
3) I was almost CERTAIN that R had been seeking out another relationship behind my back for a few months and I DIDN’T CARE.

But losing the “girlfriend” status also meant being officially “single” again, which is something that I am not entirely comfortable being.  AND……

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to…

One thing I learned, long ago, is that all action starts with the idea… the thought-form that you transform through pure will and guts to produce something physical. Sometimes, though, I think that my professor (all those long long years ago) missed something essential.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Change is epiphany motivated, that spiritual call or push or yearning that gets you thinking about WHY things are the way they are. It has always been the brilliant flashes out of nowhere, the soul sparks, and the sudden realizations that have lead to determining what lead to the state of affairs in which you find your life. They are the tiny squiggles of pure happiness as you realize new…

What I feel needs to be changed: I want to change my approach to Spirituality

What I realized was hurting me:

In the most basic sense of the word I have isolated myself from my spirituality, and I feel the keen loss and the “calling home” sense. I have to admit that it has been a LONG time since I was an active participant in my spiritual path…

I have never felt anything profound and glorious and sparkly from the “Status Quo” religions of my life –The traditional churches left me feeling… empty. At 17 I started reading everything I could find on Wicca and started putting things into practice on my own. I dedicated myself, found others…