Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared to admit to myself that  I wanted OUT of my relationship. I am a 35 year old single mother! I work full time hours! I volunteer ! I take classes! I write! I am a great person!! Why was I so afraid to start over and try to find someone worth my time, energy, and my warm generous nature?

Last week I was GLAD that R “manned up” and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore (not in so many words, mind you it was more like “we’ve been drifting and… you know where this is going”) after me asking him, after me asking him for 6 months just to be honest with me about whether he was still interested or not. For the record, I knew that he lost interest in me almost the day he first said “I love you” to me… his actions spoke of neglect and fear from that point on, making me feel confused and insecure.  But he would never tell me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore.

A week ago I found relief in the fact that R finally admitted that to him this had been “casual”… and that the feelings that I had been denying for so long had been RIGHT if I had only listened to them a year ago!

Still the hard won out that night, the feeling of relief was washed away by the sting of FINALLY knowing the truth of the situation. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I felt… USED. I felt like once more I had allowed a man to walk all over me for acceptance and companionship. And to realize that, in reality, I had not gotten even the most basic companionship with R, he had only stayed with me for what he thought he could get out of me:

• he gave things only grudgingly out of obligation
• In a year we went on maybe 4 dates, tops.  
• I was a hotel and daycare centre for him.
• He rarely contributed.
• He rarely showed any thought about my feelings.
• He freely took from me and never gave in return

Why did I stay with someone who used me as a hotel and daycare service? Who only called when he wanted me to do something for him? Who never complimented me? Who ignored me constantly? Who never once did something nice for me, just to let me know they cared??? What the HELL was I thinking?

I excused his thoughtless behavior over and over – he was stressed about his ex-wife wanting custody of HER children back; he was stressed because he didn’t have as much money as he wanted to have; he was stressed because he wasn’t getting child support; he was stressed because he was going through a hard divorce; he was stressed because his daughters are horribly behaved – and I took his word that he never meant to be thoughtless it just never occurred to him to that he was not doing right by me.

Until the night he told me that, this whole fucking year of my life HE considered our relationship “just casual”…

 I didn’t MISS him, because there hadn’t been anything to miss!

There was remarkably LITTLE change in my life. There were no mementos to throw away. There was no jewelry or trinkets to remind me that R had shared this period of my life and very few pictures of us together. And I knew that he had even LESS to remember me by! I felt that he had missed out on a great person, but that neither of us was in the ideal situation to create a relationship on our own.

He had given all indications that he wanted to be left alone… and now he would be.

I had heard it from his friends, I had witnessed it in the way he acted to his friends, his children and to me. I just refused to acknowledge it.  Didn’t matter who the person was, he didn’t want to deal with anyone other than himself. He preferred to spend huge swaths of time tuned out watch tv or sleep while his kids were gods-only-knew where doing gods-only-knew what, and he was perfectly happy to do that no matter what anyone else thought about it.

 That night that all the turmoil, all the fight, all the RESPECT I had for this man whom I thought was “doing the best he could given the stress he was under”  just washed away and I saw just how little RESPECT he had granted to ME.

 And I sat in the dark, and I thought about these things. I thought about how I had seen the relationship and how I had tried to be there for not only R but his children. I thought about all the times I reached out to help him, but he didn’t return the favour. I thought about how often I asked for just the bare minimum, but that was too much. And I thought about all that I had given up (financially, physically, emotionally) to build a relationship with someone who saw me pretty much as a “place to stay and girl to fuck” and nothing more.

The realizations POURED out of me, the bitterness I had held back within myself for so long;  I was ANGRY about how I was treated!!!  And GODDAMMIT, I DESERVED TO FEEL ANGRY!! For once, not really caring about how other people would label my feelings, I felt ANGRY at R, I felt USED, I was BITTER, I believed I DESERVED BETTER!!

All the feelings that “good girls” don’t admit to coursed through me and out, cleansing me of this relationship.

Within 24 hours I realized how LUCKY I was. I took his numbers off my phone. I deleted him from my MSN. I took “I’m in a relationship” off FaceBook. And I still wasn’t sad.

 By Friday I was feeling like a NEW PERSON.

I dropped my kids off with theEx for his two weeks and I went out and bought myself a bottle of white wine. I came home and I cooked myself a meal that I wanted to try, with new ingredients and a bunch of new flavours. I poured myself a nice glass of cold white wine, put in a movie *I* wanted to watch, and ate my supper.  I made myself a cup of tea, ran a bath, and read a book. I wore my favourite pj’s, I watched another movie, wrote in my journal and chatted with a few friends. I went to bed when I wanted to, feeling SO happy with my life! I got up and had a shower and PUT ON MAKEUP!! I went out and purchased things for my new home. I went out for lunch and socializing with a writing group. I did my needlework. I took care of myself.

 I DID MY OWN THING

 For the first time in a year I wasn’t thinking about R or if he would call or when I would see him again, I knew he was out of my life! I didn’t care if he would disapprove of me drinking, because he no longer had the privilege of having an opinion in my life. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger about the way he handled my heart, but vowed only to be more aware and cautious “next time” I put myself out there.

 I spent time being HAPPY with myself, indulging MYSELF with the things that made my happy:

• My favourite movies
• Writing
• Reading
• Needlework
• Having a bath
• A cup of tea/ a glass of wine
• A tarot reading

So… here we are at the end of the week.

Let’s recap how this week went:

The Bad Stuff

Officially breaking off my relationship with R.
 SOOO much harder than I expected, given that I was pretty much “girding my loins” (snicker) to do just this for the last few weeks as I realized that we
1) viewed our relationship very differently,
2) were going in pretty much OPPOSITE directions, and
3) I was almost CERTAIN that R had been seeking out another relationship behind my back for a few months and I DIDN’T CARE.

But losing the “girlfriend” status also meant being officially “single” again, which is something that I am not entirely comfortable being.  AND… all the things that he had agreed to help me with for my move, not gonna happen.

Anxiety, Nightmares and living in a situation that constantly triggers me.  
Like many people who have overcome abusive situations, I have things that can trigger anxiety in me. One of my BIGGEST triggers is being around MALE people who are under the influence of something (drugs or alcohol)… especially if I don’t KNOW the men in question. So imagine how hard it is for someone like me to live in a house where the people living ABOVE me party almost EVERY night!  Yes, my upstairs neighbors have friends over almost EVERY night and they always drink. The drunks like to invade common areas – the hallway between our suites, the laundry room, the back yard – and play ‘games’ such as writing rude things on my car, deflating my tires, and trying to open the door to my suite. I don’t know these people at all, and I don’t appreciate feeling like someone is going to walk in on me at any time, so my level of anxiety has been SUPER high lately, leading to panic attacks, headaches, and nightmares.

GENERAL ACK stuff

Divorce STILL not done
Yep, I am still waiting on my lawyer to finish this up. I am to sign the official affidavit on Monday, though. Then theEx has to sign it and it goes to the court. Or at least that is what I was told the last time. This is ack-some because:

1. theEx has been allowed to continue to intimidate me and use money to control me through out this process, with my lawyer doing nothing to stop it other than to say “document it” (I have been, thanks, you didn’t TAKE my documentation!!)
2. I want to pay off the debt that my lawyer has caused, but I only want to have to do it ONCE so I am waiting on final billing, which won’t happen until the divorce papers come back.
3. I can see theEx trying to play douche-bag games with me over child support, since he’s trying to do it NOW, and forcing me to incur MORE legal debt

So, yeah, ACK.

MOVING STUFF
Like I said before, R had agreed to help me do a few things around my current place to help me get ready to move, and they aren’t really things I know how to do on my own. And I don’t own necessary TOOLS to do these things either. So, between having to hire someone to help me repair a doorframe, and likely having to beg more people to help me paint and move big heavy things, this move is looking a little more stressful than it was before.

I have SO much to pack and declutter, I have to pick out colours for rooms, I have to pick out a washer/dryer set and a few pieces of furniture I don’t have… just a list of a bunch of stuff…

Kids going to their Fathers for 2 weeks
 While this DOES give me time to get some cleaning, decluttering and packing done, I really HATE when they are with him. Since he’s an abusive, self-centred person I can’t imagine him as a very good father (he wasn’t involved when we were together), and he’s on the shared custody kick only to punish me and to minimize the amount of child support he pays. He also refuses to let them call me when they are there, which makes the ache that they are gone worse…

The GOOD STUFF

The Being Single Again
Yes, the being single again is part of the un-joyous suck part of this week… but it is also a HUGE RELIEF. Since I had become aware that things were not good with R (about a month ago) there were a lot of things that I realized I needed to decide FOR MYSELF.  Being with R meant:

• Not being able to go out for a nice meal that wasn’t a hamburger or pizza (the only 2 meals the man eats)
• Becoming a teetotaler  – I’m not a big drinker, but having the OPTION once in a while without being made to feel like I was clubbing baby seals would have been nice
• Being stressed about disciplinary issues with his kids – whether  it was my children feeling ignored or his kids hitting or R threatening the children with spankings, there was a lot of stress surrounding the parental roles
• Never having a mature relationship

Being single again means being MYSELF for ME, and learning to be me instead of trying to impress some man. Maybe I’m late to the party, but I finally figured it out : If I have to pretend to be someone else to have a man like me, then he’s not someone I want to be with.

Being single means not having to think about what someone ELSE might need in my house. Being single means I can play MY music and do my writing and MY hobbies and not have to worry about entertaining someone else all the time.  It means making MYSELF feel good about things and not always second guessing what someone else wants.

Good Bye “R”… have a good life…

New Practices!!

• Yoga! I have been checking out yoga videos from the library and trying them out. I still haven’t found consistent time to do them, and I am working on that, but I’m trying. Even my cat is getting into yoga!
• Reading before bed! For the last few years reading was a luxury for vacations without the kids. But now that the kids are getting older, there seems to be a lot more time for reading. I bought a $6 lamp from Walmart a few weeks ago, and since then I have reinstated the reading before going to sleep ritual that I had practiced for most of my life (but left behind when I left theEx).
• Nightly Tarot draw! Okay, so there are times, especially this week, when I have forgotten to pull a card, but since January 1 I have been pulling one to three cards from my deck and reading up on the symbols and meanings. Interestingly enough the last card I pulled (Weds night) was the Death card!! If you know about the Tarot, and Paganism, you know that this isn’t necessarily a bad omen… and it really spoke about what I needed right then.
• Soulful awareness! I am starting to slow down and really think about what resonates with me – from what I want to eat to what I want to read to what colours to choose for my new home, being aware of how things affect me and the effects they have on energy around me is really profound.
• Journaling! Not as much as I want, but I’m getting better with at least writing down 5 to 6 lines per night. Someday I will want to know how I felt about this period in my life, and how I got to be so spiritually aware…
• Meditation! Every night before I go to sleep I have been using guided meditations to oven myself to self-love and balancing my chakras!
• Trying new recipes! The weeks that I don’t have the kids (and some that I do) I try out new recipes that I think *I* will like! Being sick of burgers, chicken fingers, and other “kid” foods, I have started to try new tastes and flavours!

Realizing that I am NOT alone
For years I had lived the belief that theEx had every right, as a husband, to treat me the way he did, and that it was my PERCEPTION of the normal husband role that caused me to fail in our marriage. I had several counselors through my marriage (including my marriage counselor) and after assure me that what I went through was abusive, that even though theEx will tell everyone in the universe that I was a horrible wife, mother, and woman, the truth of the matter is that I had every right to decide that enough abuse was enough and to walk away instead of induring it.

To that end I found a group in the city that provides a support group for women who have gone through ALL KINDS of domestic violence. While it is sad to note that there are that many of us living this way, it is nice to know that I am not crazy, that I’m not just a whiner for leaving someone who controlled and ignored the needs of his family.

It’s also nice to know that there are bloggy people out there who care about someone they have never met! When I posted about feeling alone the night that my relationship officially dissolved, I got quite a few people mention the blog community. While I am still very new, and I don’t have much reach, it is nice to know that there are SOME people out there. And then when I was feeling low, I got assistance from a Twitter pal: @Fabeku, who shared with me some wonderful and healing sacred sound recordings that I can’t wait to try out tonight!!

Tonight I am going to make the most of the fact that I have the night off  (even though I miss the kids). I am going to clean my kitchen, then make myself a lovely chickpea and greens stir fry with couscous for supper,  maybe I’ll pick up a nice white wine and have a glass, light a candle, and have a bath…

Have a good weekend… whoever you are out there!!!

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.

So, through type, the way the relationship started, it ended. With a whimper, not a bang. There was no fighting, no tears, no harsh words or recriminations. It just wasn’t anymore and we both knew it hadn’t BEEN for months. 

ALONE again

There were no tears. I didn’t expect any. After all, he hadn’t called much, he had stopped texting me months ago. I was feeling used and unwanted and I knew I had to end it. And yet, at the point of ending, when it truly hit home that he didn’t have any interest in fighting to stay with me? It hurt… a lot.

I sat, alone, on my couch staring at the closed computer, wishing desperately that I could run off and be supported by a friend or two.  But there is not one friend out there I knew I could call to ease the pain.

Not one.

Not one person who would listen and hold me.

Not one person I could call on the phone.

Not one person who would even be mildly supportive via text.

 The dark thoughts started to take over:

I am utterly and completely alone in this world now. I mean, I have my cats, and I have my kids… but I have to be strong for THEM, I am their support network they are not there to be mine. That makes the feeling of emptiness all the harder to face, somehow. I can’t crumble, because there won’t be anyone there to help pick up the pieces, and my kids NEED me. Without them I might as well not exist anymore… and that really is the truth of the matter now.

Not one person, besides my children, would miss me if something bad happened to me. It could be 2 weeks before anyone cared to seek me out, if anything happened. I’d bet that my cats would just happily chew on me… after all, my daughter tells me I am made of meat.

Only a few days ago there was someone who might have pretended to care. I know he didn’t, not really, not anymore… but the illusion was there

There is no illusion anymore.  

R is no longer someone who would care for me, who I could call. He no longer wanted me. And there was emptiness in my soul, there was a pain in my heart, there was gloom. There was utter and complete loneliness in the darkness and quiet in my house. Sitting in the dark and quiet feeling desperate to talk to SOMEONE, realizing that there was no one I could think of that I could lean against right now.

I felt disconnected from everyone.

I know that this is my own fault, not knowing quite how to make friends with new people, not knowing how to connect to people, how to stay connected… for being so introverted and hidden and afraid that now I am alone in a big, wide, TERRIFYING world, when what I need is support and caring and to be touched and connected to again.

My loneliness is MY fault

I don’t know how to change any faster than I am! I am unhappy feeling friendless. I am unhappy being disconnected from the larger community… and I know this feeling is motivating me to CHANGE how I approach social situations.

I can’t hide so much. So much of my life has been lived in fear – afraid of being punished, afraid of being “bad”, afraid to rock the boat, afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to be rejected – and it has been very hard to overcome my natural desire to hide who I really AM. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what everyone ELSE wants from me that my own MEness has been pushed aside in hopes that THIS time I’m doing it right.

But you know what? I’m okay the way I am.  Sure there are things I want to change, ways I want to grow… but I’m a good person and maybe, just maybe, if I let people see ME they might like me.  And if they don’t like me, then they aren’t my RIGHT PEOPLE (thanks Havi).

I don’t have to be a teetotaler to be “good enough” or “spiritual enough” (thanks Pace!), it only matters WHY I choose to drink or not drink

If I want a tattoo I can get one, there is nothing wrong with being a “freak”… freaks are some of the greatest people I have met so far (and just having a tattoo doesn’t make one a freak…) (Thanks Pace AND Kyeli).

If I want to write, who cares if I suck? If I am silly sometimes does that mean I can never be serious? If I get hurt, if I cry, if I am terrified… is that really such a bad thing? Can’t I reach out when I feel this low without worrying that asking for help will be annoying or bothersome to someone? And if it is, do I really want people like that in my life?

I just don’t know where to START!!

• I write, but I don’t know if anyone reads (is anyone OUT THERE?? And if you are, do you know how to get my analytics to work? Or how to upgrade my WordPress since it keeps nagging me to do it?)
•  I try to comment on other blogs, although for the most part I am a lurker mostly because I read on RSS feed rather than visiting blogs.
• I am involved in Boy Scouts,
• I’m taking a dance class,
• I joined a support group (Beyond Abuse),
•  I think I got talked into a local writer’s group.

Any other ideas of how to build relationships (both online and offline) that are flexible and inexpensive?

I cannot survive ALONE anymore. I am a social creature…

One thing I learned, long ago, is that all action starts with the idea… the thought-form that you transform through pure will and guts to produce something physical. Sometimes, though, I think that my professor (all those long long years ago) missed something essential.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Change is epiphany motivated, that spiritual call or push or yearning that gets you thinking about WHY things are the way they are. It has always been the brilliant flashes out of nowhere, the soul sparks, and the sudden realizations that have lead to determining what lead to the state of affairs in which you find your life. They are the tiny squiggles of pure happiness as you realize new ways of looking at and doing things that guide you in the direction of change.

Cause and Effect are not always CLEAR in our lives

It is easy to get so caught up in EVERYTHING that we miss the connections between parts of our lives. Consequences sometimes feel like “karma” – the actions seem far removed from the resulting effect – and we keep doing the same things over and over. The patterns are created in our lives, road maps and recipes for activities, and it isn’t until something gives us pause to reflect that we see how these rote actions really affect us.

When a pattern starts causing a problem we seek answers

As long as things seem to be working away as we expect them to (good OR bad) we don’t pay attention to the patterns and assumptions that we make about ourselves, our choices, or our lives. It’s not always immediately clear that we are doing the same things over and over in our lives, causing the same things to happen over and over, until we finally notice “this has happened before”.

Epiphanies are sometimes described as lightning bolt moments, something so life altering that we just have to sit up and take notice. But epiphanies can be gentle, tiptoe to awareness, tap on the shoulder, a gentle hug or a shift of awareness that sidles up to you and infuses you with a need. They are our soul’s way of telling us that we need to slow down and take a look at what’s happening – and if all else fails our souls will try the “burning bush” approach that will DEFINITELY get our attention.

Sometimes we don’t accept the news until it beats us over the head with the obvious stick.

Lately my life has been ruled by a lot of sudden epiphanies – some subtle nudges, others more of the beat-over-the-head obviousness type – which have radically changed my personal life direction. I recognized that for years I have been rushing through my life, stressing about the things that I thought really mattered, trying desperately to make myself fit in SOMEWHERE… ANYWHERE, and I was so busy trying to cram the square-peg of my life into the round holes around me, that I wasn’t aware that I had tried the same thing over and over, always with eerily similar results.

What is that quote that everyone uses? Oh, yeah:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Albert Einstein) 

No wonder it was “crazy making” I was unconsciously leading myself around in circles, starting and ending in the same spots, and yet kicking myself for the very fact that I had not gotten anywhere. Every repeat of the pattern brought the similar results, and every time I would curse my “luck”… and then do it again.

Until, sitting with myself and listening to my soul-voice one night, I realized that there was a PATTERN there, and that I wasn’t learning my lesson and changing what I was doing. I realized that I was drifting through my life thinking that I had not been making decisions or choosing a path, but unconsciously I was just living out a pattern over and over…

AND GETTING THE SAME MISERABLE RESULTS!

Awareness of a pattern is just the FIRST step. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that noticing that there is a pattern at work is the same as solving the issue! It’s not as simple as that!

Once a painful pattern (because, obviously, if the pattern is working FOR us there is much LESS need to delve into what it is doing) becomes obvious to our conscious minds, it is necessary to observe the history of this pattern in our lives. Although this might sound like a waste of time, after all you now SEE that there is a pattern of behavior there, but reviewing past behavior not only reinforces the pattern in your mind, but might actually lead back to when the pattern STARTED.

For me the biggest epiphanies happen once I notice WHERE a pattern started and HOW I can do things differently. There isn’t much point in seeing a pattern if you are just going to keep repeating it because you don’t fully understand WHY you do things the way you do? The whole point is to see what needs to or can be done differently, make the change, and see the different results.

So how DO you go about finding the source of the pattern?

I don’t believe that my behavioral patterns are rooted in my DNA, or that they are a foregone conclusion set about at the moment of my birth by some divine plan. As a student of the social sciences I know that we are creatures of both nature (DNA, hormones, etc) and nurture (past, family, society) that sometimes makes untangling the knots of patterns extraordinarily difficult. Not IMPOSSIBLE, just difficult.  Sometimes it isn’t necessary to go all the way back, sometimes it is. Sometimes we need to understand the traumas that led to choosing to do things one way or another… sometimes it’s enough to know that there IS a pattern and that it has been repeating itself so that we can move on.

For myself, the process of finding the patterns (and the pattern sources) involves writing.

• I journal,
•  I blog,
•  I scribble madly,
•  I consult the tarot (and note it down),
•  I look back at past journal entries and blog posts,
• I ask friends and family.
• I make mind maps.
• I draw connections between words.
•  I create networks in my books… and pathways in my neural networks.
• I draw timelines.
•  I note trends in events.
• I use calendars to visualize time and events
• I note how I react to other people (journaling)

And I see how things relate, what events are similar every time (therefore part of the pattern), and which things vary (and therefore either part of other patterns or not necessary for the pattern). I then FEEL my way through the pattern, to see where the “red flags” came up, and what they were, and how they felt.

It is a process of trusting yourself, even retroactively.

And I see what happened, over and over. It hits me. Not just intellectually, but emotionally and, often, physically. And I suddenly BELIEVE the pattern is real.

Because I believe I can find patterns I also believe I can change the patterns.

The realization of what needs to change, what has been going wrong, and that you really can change  the pattern is the grain of the epiphany (an epiphany seed, if you will). For me (and YMMV) the power of the epiphany is not so much in the new realization, as in the new realization that THINGS CAN CHANGE… that the force of Will (mindful determination/intention) can change things in my life.

I am not powerless to a force greater than myself… not for MOST things anyway.

I am working on myself and finding my way through the maze of things I want to change in my life. Right now there are days where it seems NOTHING is right at all, where all I see are the patterns staring me straight in the face and telling me “you can’t change who you are”. I’m working on self-empowerment, and it’s a long and difficult process.

My patterns have controlled me in the past, but they don’t control me anymore.

 I have patterns. I have a lot of patterns. Some days the thought of fighting against the tangle of the patterns scares the crap out of me, some days I feel so beaten down that I can barely get out of bed,  some days I want nothing more than someone to tell me they love me (and mean it, not just say it because they feel they should.

Other days I feel like I can do ANYTHING, that I can change my world for the better. That I can find love, within myself and from another person, that I can better myself and my world, that I can be a change in the world and that the changes I need to make aren’t as hard as they appeared yesterday.

It’s all a journey… (and that’s an epiphany TOO)

What I feel needs to be changed: I want to change my approach to Spirituality

What I realized was hurting me:

In the most basic sense of the word I have isolated myself from my spirituality, and I feel the keen loss and the “calling home” sense. I have to admit that it has been a LONG time since I was an active participant in my spiritual path…

I have never felt anything profound and glorious and sparkly from the “Status Quo” religions of my life –The traditional churches left me feeling… empty. At 17 I started reading everything I could find on Wicca and started putting things into practice on my own. I dedicated myself, found others of like mind, joined a local coffee meet, and started writing for a Canadian Pagan publication. I continued to celebrate on my own and with the Pagan community from the age of 17 through 23, when I got married…

to the eldest son of a FUNDAMENTALIST PENTACOSTAL Christian Minister

I thought that theEx was okay with my religion but as soon as we got engaged and started to outwardly live together it became clear that he wasn’t comfortable with me being “different. My altars were put away, my statues were taken off the mantel, all books were hidden, my pentacle necklace and earrings were replaced by crosses, and none of my friends from the Pagan community were to invited to the wedding or reception.

 TheEx slowly tried to change me by a steady formula of ridicule, humiliation, guilt, and family obligations. He was forever telling me that I would grow to see the error of my “ways”, or at least give up “this childish belief” in Wicca.

How it hurt me:

It hurt to be made to feel like a dirty little secret in my own home. I believed that this man loved me, that we were going to be partners in life, but I couldn’t stop feeling connected to Wiccan/Pagan things.

I hid my ongoing interest and participation in the Pagan community from theEx. But inevitably theEx found me out and was FURIOUS that I hadn’t really “given it up” with the threat of “when we have kids my father will use this to try and get custody if he finds out” .

I stopped going to coffees and talking to other Pagans as the pressure to be “normal” for my husband’s sake increased upon me. His career started to take off, he started to socialize more with people from work, and he didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t “normal”.

Then I got pregnant with BoyChild. The pressure increased a hundredfold. Now, instead of ignoring me, XFIL expected me to start “towing the line” for a typical Christian wife and mother. I was no longer outside of the family structure, just a hanger-on to his son, I was now the mother of his first grandchild. I was to uphold the honor of the entire family by setting a good example attending services and being prayed over and coming into the church. TheEx continually snapped at me and threatened that if his father “found out” he had married a witch he would leave me and they would take my child from me… relying on my maternal instincts and terror in the face of someone who COULD and WOULD do anything he could to get his way…

 I fell into a deep depression. I was expected not only to attend services and rituals in a church that hurt my SOUL. I felt hopeless…

Hopeless hurts too.

I was hidden in my own home, and it was no way to live. I knew as long as I stayed I would never be free to decorate my home my own way. I would never be able to have an altar ANYWHERE in my home. I would never be free to wear personal symbols. I would not be free to discuss my opinions on religion or spirituality. I would not be free to share WHO I was and WHAT I believed with my children. I was locked inside my soul, trapped by fear of my hate-mongering xFIL coming down on me.

My Ex tried to break my spirit, but he broke our vows instead.

This 10 years of atrophied spirituality left me feeling uncertain when I was free to celebrate again. Consequently I was unable to jump right back into “Wicca” or “Paganism” and I went through a period of questioning. I had experiences with the Stalker of being pressured to be MORE Pagan and MORE open than I was ready to be, which further injured my soul, and made me further question myself. He didn’t understand, I needed to HEAL and learn to feel SAFE again.

Now I am more ready to explore what was so scary and painful for so long.

How am I going to start making changes?

Connection connection connection!!

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

I’m committing to feeling my way through this. Rather than get caught up in traditions and Paths, I am going to take a more eclectic approach and discerning what works for ME on a spiritual level. I will feed my soul what IT needs, not what makes other people happy.
 

My AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations in which I don’t automatically fall asleep. I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.So I will.