Jan 05
What I feel needs to be changed: I want to change where I live.
What I realized was hurting me
It has been over 2 years since I lived in a home of my own, a space that I can concretely point to and say “this space, here, is MINE”. Yes, I CHOSE to walk away from the home I had owned with theEx… out of fear of reprisal, out of a feeling that this battle just wasn’t worth it — I couldn’t afford the home on my own and even then I knew that he would resist paying support until he was legallyforced to do so, but more than that the house meant more to him than it had ever meant to ME — maybe I shouldn’t have, but I did.
I spent a year sleeping on my parent’s couch, feeling like an unwanted child again… only now as a further failure with children in tow, not even able to keep a marraige together. Yeah, fun.
After getting my life somewhat in order, and at the begging of a few people, I moved to a rental suite a little closer to work, a lot closer to theEX, and way TOO close to the Stalker*. And at first it was okay. The Landlord lived upstairs or was out of town, and things were reasonably quiet for myself and the kids.
* who had arranged the contract with the Landlord, whom he worked with, to include me paying 75% rent (with Stalker paying the other 25%) for three months to HOLD the place before I could move in and before the place was even inhabitable
Then Landlord moved to Costa Rica and rented out the upstairs suite.
And within days of the new neighbors coming in I realized that our lifestyles were going to clash.
I am a quiet person. I am mid-30s, I work 40-60 hours a week. My entertainment consists of watching tv, movies, reading a book, hanging out online, or playing the Wii with the kids. I don’t party. I rarely have more than 3 people visit at a time. I do not have a stereo system or surround sound for my tv. I like to go to bed by 11pm on weeknights, and I get up at 6am on weekdays and 8am weekends. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t have loud pets. I prefer to do quiet activities.
Upstairs lived 3 or 4 20-somethings newly sprung from the confines of university or their parent’s homes. They were obsessed with GarageBand or some other “pretend you have rhythm or can sing” type game which they played almost every night. The tapping of the “drum kit” on the floor sounded like a hammer in my suite, and when they got their friends together and added caterwaling/screaming/screeching attempts at singing along with the banging (never mind turning the music up so that I could play ALONG if I so desired (which I didn’t)… well… there were nights where they kept either myself or my kids up when we were ready to drop from exhaustion.
They they moved out.
And a set of EVEN WORSE 20-somethings moved IN. And its been a continuous stream of frustrations and sleepless nights since the end of October when they moved upstairs with their dog. Its been months of all-night parties, where they invite EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY KNOW to run in and out of the front door and down the stairwell between the suites, whether it be weeknight or weekend. Where they let their dog crap all over the laundry room and backyard, without bothering to clean it up. Where they leave their clothes all over the laundry room for days. And where they make DEMANDS that I contribute to their bills, because with the three of THEM and all their friends coming and going at all hours of the day and night, they think their bills are too high to be fair (boo hoo!!)
It SUCKS not being able to have quiet when you want it.
I realized that Landlord doesn’t CARE about the house, or the people or animals IN the house, as long as he collects his rent from everyone. The Landlord sees this place as a cash cow, he can charge me enough to pay his mortgage, and request DOUBLE that amount for the upstairs suite, and bring in income for himself and his wife. He doesn’t maintain the place, he doesn’t keep up the yard, or deal with rental issues. And even when he and his wife witnessed the neighbors partying and disturbing myself and my children (after being asked to please quiet down AFTER 10pm) he decided not to do anything.
How it was hurting me
I lived in a constant state of low level anxiety.It might sound like whining, but after weeks of being woken up night after night as your neighbors pound music above you, slam doors, stumble into walls, run around outside your bedroom windows, yell up and down the stairwell, wake your children up, and try to break into your suite because they have dared their friend to see if they can freak you out… you get a bit anxious.
My home did not feel like a nurturing space at all. Instead of feeling relaxed when I was home, I felt trapped. I felt as if at any time I was to be assaulted by pounding, screaming, banging and doors slamming. I felt like I did when I was with theEx and I was being woken up to be told what I was doing wrong. I couldn’t relax, because without warning doors would slam, the dog would bark, someone would be yelling swears in the hallway, women would be screaming… or music that I didn’t necessarily want to listen to would be pounding through my suite and interrupting what I was doing.
Why I need change
It was like being right back in the abusive situation all over again, never knowing when something will be shouted, thrown, slammed. And because it was my “home” where I was experiencing this, and because there didn’t seem to be any way to stop the random parties or my neighbors’ inability to respect common space to make the situation livable I knew it was time to LEAVE this house and find a better situation for myself and my children.
I deserve to live in a situation in which I feel relaxed, in which I am not seeking ways to escape the intrusion of sound, where unreasonble demands (having to clean up after their pet, being asked to assist with their bills, having to add extra security measures to keep neighbors OUT, being kept awake, having additional stress and anxiety) are not being made on my emotions and energies. And I derserve to have RIGHTS to be heard when my space is encroached on, either physcially or audibly.
I need a sanctuary where I can relax without feeling that at any moment. I need a space where I can expect to sleep through the night without being rudely awoken over and over by drunken revellers. I need somewhere to expand who I am, instead of feeling I have to contract within myself to protect myself.
How am I gonna make this change?
Well… I have put the wheels in motion to move out of the basement suite and I WILL be moved out of the situation by March 2010.
I have given 2 months notice to Landlord.
I have told theEx I am moving.
I have informed UselessLaywer.
I have made arrangements for help fixing the few things that my kids or cats have damaged
I have asked for assistance with the painting and packing
the kids have picked out their colours
I have arranged the time off
MY Affirmation!
I WILL live in a place where I don’t feel trapped by neighbors who don’t respect mutual space. I WILL live in a space where the laundry room is NOT a part time dog kennel (complete with doggie waste products that the owners don’t clean up). I WILL live in a house where I can sleep when I want to or need to, without having to call the police or put in ear plugs. I WILL live in a place where the walls are colours I choose, where there is a good energy and a lightness. So I will.
I’m so excited about you moving.