I want to change how I spend MONEY
January6
What I feel needs to be changed: I need to change how I spend MONEY
What I realized was hurting me
Numbers are a difficult thing for me. I know this. This is not a surpise, not by a long shot. My whole life I have had difficulty surrounding numbers, and I have created work arounds to make it easier for me to do arithmatic. It’s not IMPOSSIBLE, obviously if I had no possible way of dealing with numbers I would NOT have 2 degrees, both of which required statistics and calculus to get through.
But hard, nonetheless.
It’s hard to explain the issue with numbers, other than to note that I have a learning disability, like dyslexia, called dyscalculia… for me numbers are symbols that get garbled up easily. 10,000 easily becomes 1000, 84 will be flipped to be 48, and doing multiplication or division in my head is a long and involved process that I can’t explain to anyone (which doesn’t matter because I rarely get the answers right if I do it in my head). And because numbers slip and slide through my mind so easily and tangle so thoroughly, I usually either avoid them or deal with them using computers or calculators, rather than trusting that I will be able to remember or calculate things.
Because NUMBERS are hard for me, money can be a real issue for me. When I was with theEx HE took control of all the money, obsessively tracking everything we spent on, to the very last penny. Nonetheless, when I was with him we lived paycheque to paycheque. Which isn’t unusual for a single income family with 2 young children… until you look at the average INCOME in our area and realize that even when we WERE a single income family theEx earned about 2x the AVERAGE DUAL INCOME FAMILY INCOME PER YEAR and we were still drowning — the credit cards were always maxed, the chequing account was in overdraft, and it seemed that nothing caught us up EVER! So I went back to work and we became a dual income family… and the situation did NOT improve…
I lived with the impression that the debts were 100% my fault… and despite his large earnings and my modest earnings, we couldn’t get ahead because of MY student loans, and MY desire to have a fuel efficient car, and MY choices to have the children… and MY inability to get a job with my degrees… so I never really paid much attention to the “man behind the curtain” of spending — theEX — and how he threw money at everything!! Every time I looked at the accounts I was shocked at how badly we were doing… and amazed at how much his clothes cost per month and his super-duper highspeed internet was and how many times he went out for lunches and suppers with his friends or family and how many useless things we purchased at Costco…but when I questioned the spending he always maintained it was necessary to keep his job/friends/me happy and that it was really MY debts that were getting us in trouble.
Numbers and fear of starving to death on my own kept me hostage in an abusive marriage. I was told I couldn’t make it on my own, that I couldn’t manage money, that I was stupid, that I would never earn enough to afford a home and food on the table, and that he wouldn’t pay support (and in true Ex style he did wiggle out of spousal support despite his income) and that he would take the kids from me because he didn’t think it was “right” for them to live on the westside of the city (the older, lower priced, and in some places economically disadvantaged area of Saskatoon) and he would petition the courts for sole custody if I moved HIS children* to an area that made him look bad…
And you know what? When I left the world did NOT end… even though he did NOT pay a dime of child support for the first 11 months, despite the fact that I raised the kids without his financial help for 2 months with only $700 in my bank account (and I was paying for food and clothes and entertainment and rent at my parents)… and I got a job on my own… and I got everything in order… and I made it THROUGH.
The world did NOT end.
I did not go bankrupt. I did not fail to pay my bills. I did not starve. I did not beg him to let me come back or to give up my children because I could not take care of them. I paid my bills. I got my child tax benefits raised, I sued him for child support… and I squirrelled money away a little at a time. A “cushion” here, a savings account there, a jar of change, an emergency credit card… I came up with a PLAN.
In my mind, though, things could disappear at any time, without warning. I created a budget. My budget ignored the child support he was supposed to pay, in case he didn’t pay it. And I worried incessently about money. I worried over every penny I spent. But I couldn’t bring myself to ACCOUNT for every penny… I paid my bills and I was super scared about everything else.
How is it hurting me
But there came a time when I finally realized that theEx was no longer in control of my money, and I did not have to account for why I spent what I spent and why I wanted what I wanted (or needed)…
And with that sense of freedom I let go of the controls that I put in place for my spending. I allowed myself freedom to buy foods that I wanted to try and to change our diets to be more healthy (which is SUPER expensive). I bought the kids clothes when they needed them, and even toys and games just because. I bought my mother a computer because I thought it would make her happy (it didn’t) and I bought my kids a computer because I wanted to help BoyChild with his writing struggles and GirlChild learn to read (but they don’t USE it enough) and I took a trip and I took the kids on a trip… and I didn’t worry.
All that was fine.
But then I started to let another person into my life and my home… and with that came added expenses that I didn’t control and I should have limited (but didn’t).
I have to acknowledge that I cannot support 3 additional people on my budget as often as I have been.
And that going forward MY budget is going to have to reflect the increases in housing and insurance and condo fees and taxes that I don’t have NOW (about a 25-40% increase!!!)… leaving very little leeway for extra mouths to feed. I have to acknowledge that even though I might enjoy the company, I just can’t continue the way things have been going and that I have to limit it, that if we continue to spend time together it might not be able to include nights over or meals for a while.
I have to start seriously looking at my budget and keeping within it for ME, not for OTHER PEOPLE. I know, now, that if I don’t change my spending habits before I get into the new house I will not be able to make ends meet easily, which means having to take a second job (and that means less of the non-money things that I really want too)…
How am I going to start making changes?
Making changes is SO hard for me, as it is for anyone, and changes around money are especially difficult because I have such a hard time TRACKING things in my mind and I have yet to come up with a suitable tracking system (other than my online bank services) that feels comfortable (aka NOT TERRIFIED) to me.
So the first thing, I so obviously need, is a non-scary tracking system. It has to be something that is low-math, because doing math on the fly is going to make it go out of control quickly. It SHOULD be more visual than number based (I work well from graphs)… and it should be something that I can carry with me easily (or at least PART of it should be). The guidelines should be clear (ie, I get $X for entertainment, and $X for food) and not OVERLY restrictive. There should be feedback for meeting or exceeding targets…
Secondly, I need a clear idea of what my expenses will be. As these are changing soon, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. But… for now I have a good idea of what is coming IN and what is going out and I can plan for that, and I have an idea of what the new expenses will be as well… but I’ve been too terrified to look at the reality of it yet.
Thirdly, I need to take a serious look at the expenses I can cut down on. Do I need all the tv channels that I have? NO. So I can cut out the movie channels and scale back my tv package to the channels that we really watch. Do I need all the features of my cell package? NO. So I will cut back on things like voice-to-text and extras that were designed to save me but have just cost me more in the end. I can use Skype to talk online, I can rely more on chat and text and emails to send quick messages rather than phoning. I can try to make calls from work to the bank and various agencies that I have to talk to, rather than having to pay for minutes on my cell plan. Can I conserve electricity more than I do now? Probably wouldn’t be a noticable difference, same with my heating bill.
Fourth, I need to start making changes in how I spend on necessities like food and clothing and household cleaning.
Can I cut back on groceries? You bet!
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I will have to cut back on entertaining, especially when the entertaining goes over a few days
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go through the cupboards and freezers and see what I already have and consume THAT before going out to spend more
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have a meal plan set BEFORE I head out — and not just supper/dinner meals, but what I am going to send the kids and myself for lunches, what we’ll have for breakfasts, and what kinds of snacks I’ll have in the house
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buy some in bulk and freeze — buns, breads, meat, veggies and non-perishables all work well for this and will avoid me having to run out to the store to pick up one thing that might turn into a LOT of things
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plan bulk meals and freeze — pot pies, stews, pasties, sauces, and chili are good for this
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Make the most of weekends for prepping for the week ahead — especially when I have the kids
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cupons (not as common here as in the US, but maybe they have some online?) and discounts
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No shopping hungry –this is the hardest for me, because I tend not to eat often to avoid spending, then I go shopping and spend HUGE amounts
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avoid the snack food aisle — make cookies at home, stop buying pop/soda (since no one in our household drinks it, it’s purely for company), don’t stock chips
Can I cut my entertainment budget? You bet!
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put a cap on entertainment spending for things like movies, rentals, meals out
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discount theatres rather than first runs, or even waiting until the movie comes out on DVD and buying (which if all 3 of us want to see the movie, is still cheaper than even going to the cheap theatre WITH popcorn and drinks)
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buy movies already viewed if you must buy them
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subscribe to magazines rather than buy them off the shelves, this is a SERIOUS savings
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reduce the number of meals out we eat — make at home, plan meals for Mondays when we have only 30 mins to eat, do not even make it an OPTION to go to the drive through
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make coffee at home
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go out for coffee rather than meals (significantly cheaper)
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spend time reading with the kids or helping them with learning, rather than trying to go shopping for entertaining toys
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make use of free entertainment — walks, parks, skating — or bulk value entertainment packages such as for local civic centres
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have kids help cook/bake
Can I reduce clothing costs for the kids? Most likely.
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Purchase only what they need (#pairs pants, #shirts) rather than buying a few here and a few there
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buy clothes off season for the next year (a size up) if new — take advantage of sales
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buy used clothes — most kids clothes are still good when they outgrow them, which means there is likely a lot of wear still in used items. Even things for myself are still likley good.
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don’t buy brand name — kids don’t care, and really, i’m not trying to impress anyone anymore
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do not let GirlChild go overboard in the shoe department — stop the shoe fetish in its tracks NOW or let her father buy her fancy shoes if he wants to — and quality clothes rather than fancy things that will wear out
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do not let the kids dictate waht they want to wear — that leaves me with GirlChild wearing legging type pants that are not warm enough or that show stains/wear out too easily
Can I get the household budget smaller? I’m sure I can.
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Eco friendly household cleaners can be made at home for a fraction of the cost of commercial cleaning products
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Avoid gimmicky cleaning devices — a broom, a mop, sponges, scrubbers have been popular for years
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have a cleaning routine to make cleaning easier, and therefore less likely to need another device/product to get the job done
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buy in bulk when possible — things like cat liter, detergents, shampoo/conditioner, feminine supplies and containers can be cheaper in bulk and having them around can minimize the chance of needing to go out and be tempted into buying MORE
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minimize THINGS — 2 in one hair care products, using the same shampoo as the kids
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reuseable things — dish cloths, tea towels, grocery bags
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QUALITY furniture — will be more expensive at first, but will not need to be replaced as often
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lists before you leave the house to minimize the shopping effect
I can reduce the number of times I go shopping per month as well as the temptation of spending more than I intend by taking cash and leaving my credit card and debit card at home most shopping trips. Buy most things non-branded (doesn’t work for ketchup, just saying).
I need be more CONSCIOUS about spending. I need to find that middle ground between the feeling that nothing can possibly go wrong and the world will end if I spend any more money. I need to know that I can purchase something nice for myself, but that it is better to purchase things after giving them THOUGHT and weighing the options against the ultimate goals.
I will find ways to distract myself from shopping as an activity to fill my life. I have tons of hobbies that I can fill my life with. Instead of going shopping for things when I am sad, lonely, bored, or anxious, I can distract myself with something PRODUCTIVE – knit, cross stitch, write a journal entry, scrapbook, take pictures, write on the blog, meditate, play Wii fit, dance, have a bath, clean the house, declutter – or spend time socializing.
Focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t have… because I notice how much more JOY I have in the simple things when I consciously become aware of them. I get more pleasure out of sitting and writing or doing my cross stitch than I feel after a day of shopping, I enjoy cooking new simple foods for myself and my family than I feel when I go out and spend on a big meal. Bring the focus BACK to what is important to myself — create a vision board or mind map or affirmations that keep me coming back to what is important to ME — and what is more important than something that doesn’t fill my life with wonder.
How can YOU (out there in blog land) can help me with my goal?
You can help me by:
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reminding me that things are not hopeless, and that even if I slip its okay to keep trying
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give me tips or tricks that you use to keep spending low
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recipes and work arounds for meals that can be bulk batched
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reminder me that someone out there CARES
MY AFFIRMATION:
I WILLchange how I spend. I WILL stop buying crap I don’t need, just to buy something. I WILL stop shopping when I am bored. I WILL stop buying things as an activity. I WILL become more conscious about what I need, versus what I want. I WILL stop using STUFF to reward myself and my kids. I WILL start buying more second hand clothes for the kids (since they outgrow everything so damned fast). I WILL focus on quality, not quantity. I WILL ENJOY the things I do have, not be buried in things I don’t want. So I will.
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THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
Another good post, sorry I missed it earlier.
I think this is one that you need to work carefully at. I’ll see what I can find in terms of simple tracking systems.
[...] second of these areas was that I wanted to start having a POSITIVE relationship with my finances instead [...]