I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant tear downs and questions and reasons why he didn’t like so-and-so, to avoid trouble I just stopped seeing or talking to some people.

So much of “me” changed during my marriage – I changed perspectives, I lost confidence in myself, I became a mother, I dealt with intense rejection (at home and in the arena of employment), I got a second degree, I went through turmoil having my second child, I restarted working – that by the time I “woke up” from the haze of the abuse in my marriage and got myself the hell OUTTA THERE, I felt like I was a stranger to myself.

I am seeing where fear has kept me from reaching out. I am seeing how I had internalized the abusive words, how they can float up, unbidden, and taint my new found freedoms. I am seeing how much I worry about “bothering” people, especially people I think are better than I am (my internal judgment) and how often I stop myself from asking for help, reaching out to talk to people, or joining in new activities.

I realized I have been keeping myself isolated, that I have to face the internalized judge and tell him what’s what. I isolated myself from friends. I isolated myself from family. I isolated myself from my children. I isolated myself from MYSELF. I isolated myself from the DIVINE.

How it hurts me

It HURTS to be isolated. I am the kind of person who needs balance, the extroverted introvert – the person who seeks inspiration and community, but still can enjoy time alone thinking… and needs BOTH.

I NEED other people in my life.

• I need people who will go out with me for a coffee or a walk.
• I need to talk to other people.
• I crave being introduced to new ideas.
• I need  the energy boost that comes from getting people together for a common purpose.
• I need FAMILY – both biological and created – for myself and my children. I need community.
• I need people willing to stand beside me when I have to face down my daemons, who cheer me on when I do something that might seem incredibly small and easy, but that is mind boggling for ME.
• I need people to cheer with when good things happen in the world.
• I need people to cry with me when bad things happen.
• I need people who think enough of me to come to me when they need help.
• I need community – to feel like a piece of something bigger than myself – that is out there making the world a better place.

Right or wrong, I need a place to FIT IN and be accepted and loved, so I can accept and love myself, and so I can show others that they can be accepted and loved just the way THEY are.

I have learned I don’t work as well in isolation as I do (even part time) in community with others.

How I am going to start making changes:

This is the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I need to go slow with this, and find ways to get out there and get into situations with other adults of like mind, and find ways to do it that don’t cost me a lot of money.

I know that part of it is that I have to make some changes in my life.

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been. Perhaps finding more family friendly activities? Spending time on the weekends and holidays that they have with me going to activities that they will enjoy or that stimulate them, because there WILL be other parents there too.
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class (2 classes just combined so there are new people to get to know)
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone
• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependant on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Join online groups for things that interest me
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

Why I have to make these changes

I have to take a SERIOUS look at some relationships that are holding me back. I need to examine the dynamics and patterns that are going on, and why these types of relationships (and especially allowing people to treat me these ways) are a recurring theme in my life. There is no doubt about it… I have been passive in relationships for fear of “scaring” people away by asking for what I need out of others, for fear of being “demanding” or “high maintenance”.

I have allowed other people to make the decisions of how the relationships will go, rather than looking at things and evaluating what I want. I have always gone with the flow, thinking that, especially in romantic relationships, I was “lucky” if I found someone who could accept me… and for the most part I didn’t really consider if the men in my life were good matches for ME.

When I look back on my dating history (for the most part) NOW, I see patterns that look BAD.

• I have tended to have long term relationships for the most part. Other than 3 short term things (2 in high school, one last year) my relationships tend to last a MINIMUM of 1 year.
• I start dating someone and pretty much as soon as they show interest I stop dating others and stop considering their merits for what I want.
• I tend to “go with the flow” with what my “partner” wants – if he likes sports I put up with watching constant sports, if he doesn’t like eating Chinese food I avoid eating it, if he wants to stay in all the time and never go out and do things with me I try not to complain about it – rather than finding a partner who is willing to balance with me.

Essentially, I jump in too fast, allow the man to decide almost everything (where, when, how, what) in order to keep him, fail to get my own needs met, feel frustrated at the lack of PARTNERSHIP (because I never find men I can create a partnership WITH) and stay even after I realize that things are inadequate or that there is no future with this person.

No wonder I end up with unsatisfactory relationships!!

Of course, I am usually the one making the decision to leave the relationships too… I dump, I don’t get dumped. I mean, for the most part, the guy is getting what he wants from me, its ME that is getting the shaft so of course I would be the one that sees the need to change.

My current relationship is EXACTLY in this pattern, he hasn’t expressed any interest in continuing this relationship (ie, he has stopped chatting, texting, phoning, and spending time with me one-on-one). It’s looking like time to seriously EVALUATE this, take time to myself, and decide what it is that I want before I pursue anything further. Romantic involvement takes 2, after all.

I need to do this so I will have more energy to devote to the people who DO matter – my children, my friends, my family, ME, and my soul – and find people who CONNECT to me and ADD love and value to my life rather than insecurity and sadness. I don’t need to devote time to ANYONE (in any relationship) that doesn’t nourish me, I don’t need ANYONE who doesn’t give as much as they get…

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships as well…

My AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children than on external factors. I WILL take a good long look at how my love life is going, what I want for that aspect of my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need be. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.